To ask if anybody actually enjoys parenting toddlers?

[huk]

Does anyone actually enjoy parenting toddlers? I’m actually miserable because of my toddlers behaviour, which isn’t me trying to ‘blame’ them; the responsibility for the behaviour ultimately lies with me but the crying and whining and screaming and inability to reason with them is just getting to me. I feel absolutely trapped in a screaming prison.

Loathed it.

Loved it. Currently look after my 2 year old DGD 3 days a week. She's fantastic, very affectionate. So interesting and enjoyable to see how she alters and learns day after day. She's got a wonderful sense of humour too! She copies (or tries to) whatever her sister aged 5 does. Fascinating. She loves helping with washing, putting it in/ taking it out of the machine, setting the table, blowing bubbles in her milk, 'reading' books, 'drawing', polished the potty last week! Can take upto 30+ mins getting back from picking her sister back from school if she's got to examine all the flowers and paving stones! Better when she wants to race back on her scooter- keeps me fit.

Are you trying to suggest there’s a link between being a sahm and alcoholism based on your anecdote from one single person?

When my daughter was a toddler, I proper envied parents of teens 😂 The toddler years felt never ending! YANBU.

I like it. My two have been very different to each other as toddlers but I’ve enjoyed nearly all of this period with both, my youngest is nearly 3. My younger one is much more babyish, not in a derogatory way, he’s torn between emulating his sister and being defiantly independent and telling me not to help with things as he’s a big boy, and then point blank refusing to pull his own pants up and wanting to be carried around. He’s got chubby little hands and big baby cheeks and dimples and asks why a thousand times a day and is stubborn and throws things, chuckles with complete joy and thinks I can solve all of his problems. It’s infuriating and adorable and exhausting and rewarding and it does go very quickly.

A few months ago he was shattered before nap time and I popped him on my shoulder while he bawled loudly. A woman was walking past and said “aww, what’s up with him” and I said “oh, you know, he’s two” and she beamed and said “it’s such a lovely age isn’t it” and I agreed, while rushing to get him down. They’re complicated creatures but also sometimes very straightforward.

I think it helps to try and empathise with them if you can. Think what it must be like from their point of view. They're trying to find out about the world, about its boundaries, to learn how to make choices, and sometimes it all gets muddled up in their heads. Sometimes the boundaries are unexpected to them and they're trying to make sense of why. They don't yet have the maturity to understand why they can't take ages to examine every flower on the way to pick their older sibling up from school because you'll be late otherwise, but WE can have the sense to know they'll likely want to do that, and leave a bit earlier to accommodate it to try to mitigate their frustration. Once they're a bit older and understand the concept of time etc then that's when using "I know you'd like to stop and look at flowers but if we do we're going to be late, maybe we can do it on the way back?" will work.

The tricky bit is the way our lives are set up these days. Life is often frantic, we're rushing about from A to B, with work responsibilities, ferrying other kids to clubs etc. When really, that toddler DOES need to take ages to examine all the flowers on the way, it's the way they learn.

I wish it wasn't like this. I wish life wasn't so overscheduled, but it is, so there will be inevitable tantrums!

I do love toddlers but I think you can't expect too much of them, don't take things personally and don't get stressed out over things.
Who cares if they don't eat dinner?
If they won't walk nicely, strap them in the buggy, ignore the screaming and get out of there.
Tantrums - either a cuddle or put them under your arm and go.
Easier at this age actually as you don't have to try and reason with them, you are bigger than them 😂

I think it was a cack-handed way of saying being a SAHM can really be very stressful and isolating and in the worst cases, if you have that kind of personality, the pressure could drive you to drink?

I LOVE the toddler stage. I feel like it plays well to my strengths. (I also like teenagers and newborns.)

My main tip for toddlers is that they are just dogs in small human form. They need a daily walk and some focused attention or they will destroy your house and sanity. They LOVE praise and respond very well to it. They mainly understand instructions of about 2 words or less, don't expect verbal instruction to do much else so always back up verbal instruction with a physical action (e.g. move them or show them the thing you want them to do). You can stop them from doing most things by distracting them with a higher value thing, and positive instruction (what you want them to do instead) is more effective than saying no/don't/stop X. The rule/expectation needs to be the same every time so they know what you want from them. They will probably need it reiterating in every new context.

Also play schemas are essential reading for any toddler parent. Being able to understand the completely random-seeming destruction and redirect it to an activity which is less destructive is really helpful and it's fun to watch them figure stuff out especially when it's not at the expense of your things.

With the 2 word instruction thing - obviously keep talking to toddlers. They are drinking in language and learning it all the time, so as much complex and varied language as you can get in there, the better. However, when it comes to instructions or something you actually need to communicate to them, less is more. One or two words is perfect. Try to remember that they are very much beginners at language so what they say is a game of interpretation and probably should not be taken literally.

Four year olds in the other hand 😤 not my favourite stage at all. (Whereas IME, most people who struggle with toddlers find four an absolute dream).

Loved that stage, find newborns boring! I love it when you can engage with them more.

Saying that, my son was a delight at 2 and 3 - only became a d*ck when he was preschool 🤣

I feel you! My second is very up and down. She can have weeks of being a total demon, and then weeks of being the most fun little person in the world.

Definitely depends on the cards you're dealt!
Mine were very challenging but some of my friend's had little placid angels who just quietly pottered about and happily did as they were told. I remember trying to view houses with toddler in tow - it was hell on earth. You have my full sympathy- it does get easier - my livewires are now lovely teenagers who can't believe they were such nightmares!

OK case in point proven. I was actually being very empathetic with you because the fact is other people can make things worse instead of better by being very judgemental which just adds to the already intense stage of having a toddler. If people were kinder then the toddler stage would be somewhat easier. Your snappy comment proves my point when anyone could see I was trying to be kind.

Oh and with tantrums just understand their feelings tend to overwhelm them at this age (they aren't being deliberately horrible) and the only way out is through.

You can't reason/bribe them out of it - and beware if you do get into this habit, you could encourage more tantrums.

You shouldn't threaten them out of it. You don't need to, as they grow out of it anyway when they develop better language, problem solving and emotional regulation skills.

You don't need to panic or worry. A tantrum is not an emergency, it's just a feeling which will pass. Nobody is staring at you, most people understand that it's what children do. You don't have to fix it ASAP. If it feels like it's going on forever, try timing it.

You can sit with them if you're able to keep in mind that it's a totally normal developmental stage and will pass and hope that they "catch your calm" (ie, see that you're not bothered and they will sort of emulate that and realise they don't need to be bothered either). Some kind of matter-of-fact distraction can also work well here.

You can also leave them to it and come back to check on them every few mins as long as they are safe and can't hurt themselves.

Never had this. Very rarely. What are they whining about? I think my dc had around 2 tantrums each. However they were early talkers and maybe could express themselves? I did occasionally say “be quiet” very loudly though. Plus separating them when play spilled over into disagreements. Eg give one a video and play with other one. Divide and rule!

Case isn’t proven 😅

You say ‘yes, it’s not toddlers you find hard, it’s other people’ (?)

i say ‘no, it’s toddlers’

you say ‘this proves my point’

I find my toddler hardest when it’s just us actually

Hi @huk - I def get what you mean.

i found 15 months to just over 2 really really hard. Once I could understand my DD better we got on better. I played with her more and this always improved her mood.

I think because I was working and had a manny, I didn't always understand her needs as well as I should have and I think this was why she was grumpy - she was frustrated she couldn't make herself understood with me.

If you can bear it - just getting down to their level and playing games on their terms really helps their mood and humour too - often they just want attention.

There was a post the other day where someone said there are just some
mums who have this infinite patience and energy and calmness - and I think that's also true. Lots find it hard x

I find my toddler hardest when it’s just us actually

This is definitely a Thing. It's just weirdly miraculous how much easier my kids are when we're with another family or with relatives. I think it's because they're deliberately better behaved so as not to ruin the day out whereas there aren't the same stakes when it's just me and/or dh. But this was true even under a year old.

Or maybe it's just the way you can make eye contact with another adult and laugh, when the toddler is being ridiculously unreasonable

Still I find your manner very "off" regardless of what your saying. Your obviously just looking for an argument! Your just rude actually. This goes to show that parents can't agree to be kind,. I wish I had never commented now you ungrateful person. Good luck with everything, and don't jump on the next decent person that is trying to share some words of wisdom. I actually find your hostility concerning!

@Wishingplenty , I’m really not. My initial response to you was just confusion. I genuinely didn’t and don’t know how you interpreted my post in the way you did. If my answer was a bit short and upset you then obviously I regret that, but I am allowed to say ‘actually that isn’t right.’

I did enjoy mine being toddlers, although they all had their unreasonable moments! They were also hilarious, stubborn, affectionate, adventurous, exhausting and lived life at full pelt! They are discovering the world and finding their independence - hence the liberal use of the word no 😂

I found it a million times easier and more fun than the baby stage (shudder). I've found every stage gets easier than the one before though.

She’s not rude for not agreeing with you putting words into her mouth.
You’re being extremely hostile simply because someone doesn’t agree with your take on something.

It's utterly exhausting. 10 -24 months is my least favourite period as they are so danger-prone. I have no strength left running after them.

suggest that it is not the toddler stage so much that you dislike, it is the attitudes of others that goes with it is the hardest part

Honestly @Wishingplenty I am afraid this is not correct. I do dislike the toddler stage. I find resistance, tantrums, lack of reasoning and with that the restriction on your own life very hard (example; I could do with nipping into town to buy some shampoo but doing that with my toddler is an absolute minefield so I can’t!) That’s obviously not an insurmountable problem; I can order online, but increasingly it gets hard to take them anywhere not specifically catered for them so you find yourself trapped in toddlerland: the groups, the parks, the soft plays. That’s OK, but it’s restrictive and isolating.

what a toddler is actually like and other people and other mothers included were less judgemental then it would go along way.

I've only really found judgement online. In RL people are mostly supportive and understanding ‘we’ve all been there’ others have said to me more than once. I think I know what toddlers are like but it doesn’t make it any more bearable 🤣

My 2.4 year old is a normal healthy little boy, but so far in his short little life, I have had endless stares and tuts over the slightest little thing. So called professional people such as nannies that should really know better have been the worst

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. I can see that would put you on edge. What do you think they are judging? Generally my toddler is OK out and about as long as - and this is key - we’re doing things that are aimed at her. So we do the groups, the soft plays, the parks, the role play cafes. If I ever do have to do something for me (I have a smear test Thursday - fun) I come armed with sticker books and toys and a little Yoto player so she can listen to her nursery rhymes; OK, it won’t be fun for the nurse but it’s better than her running riot! And be prepared to exit promptly of course.

have an 8 year old dd and I went through the exact same thing with her and life couldn't be anymore different where she is concerned. If this is your first baby it is hard to see past this stage. I expect most of your frustration stems from the judgment of others

I have an older child and it is true, he is far removed from the tear away thug he once was but it can be hard to see that in the thick of it. But my frustration isn’t aimed at the judgement of others because as I say, I’m afraid I really, genuinely haven’t experienced this.

Hopefully this answers you a bit more thoroughly but as you can see, while I sympathise with you I can’t really say that I agree because I just haven’t come across this at all.

To cheer me up, some random acts of kindness have been a dad in Morrisons carrying my bags out to the car unasked for me as dd was having an absolute meltdown, a mum on another table whispering to me ‘you’re a lovely mum’ as I struggled to control toddler ds, many laughs (but ‘nice’ ones) and ‘we’ve all been there!’ and of course the ‘you’ve got your hands full!’ as every lady over the age of sixty used to say last year, but they were always with nice intent and I think just a way of recognising I’m doing a hard job and hopefully doing it well (although I don’t feel I have this weekend 😩)

So I am sorry if I hurt you, I was just bewildered as we’ve had vastly different experiences.