AIBU to skip old friend’s wedding after evening-only invitation?

[CovenOfCheeses]

I have a friend from UNI, who I have been a best friend to. I supported her during her divorce and throughout her life in both an emotional and financial manner. Over the last few years I have not met up with her as much as my eldest daughter died traumatically and my youngest son went off the rails and I have to deal with both these issues while holding down a job as a single parent to three children. She is footloose and fancy free and does not have any dependents. She contracts and then goes on holiday for 6 months of the year. She owns a 5 bedroom house outright after her divorce and rents rooms which mostly pays her way. I have struggled financially and do not have much disposable income, time or energy to go out all the time. We no longer go out together as much as we did when we were younger.

She has met a younger man and they are getting married in the summer. I cannot afford to go to her hen do (which may be cancelled anyway due to the ongoing issues in the Middle East) but told her that I cannot do an expensive hen do.

Anyway, I got an invite to her Wedding for all my kids and myself but just to the evening do and not for the wedding breakfast. The wedding is in a country house in the middle of nowhere as is the Church. This would mean that we would have to go to the Church where my youngest daughter has been chosen to be a bridesmaid (with a cost of £100+ as a contribution for her dress and flowers) then hang around for 3-4 hours while other people have their wedding breakfast then head to the evening disco. we would have to spend to go to the nearest town by ordering a taxi in advance as service is very poor in the area. We also have to pay to stay nearby as the hotel is booked up with guests and is expensive anyway. We are just invited to a disco at the hotel where there is a paying bar. The food and drinks for the breakfast are being paid for and most people will be drunk when we arrive.

I would not mind if this was a cost thing to them, but people that she has just met who are his friends are being invited to the breakfast as well as his extended family and friend network. I just found this out from people who are on her Facebook who have also not been invited to the breakfast. She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends. Only her parents and their new respective partners are invited to the breakfast as well as her “new” friends.

Do you think I should avoid her wedding altogether?

I’ve just bought my DDs bridesmaid dress. Other dd, the bride, has many other expenses and we have divided things up.

Why not use the classic Mumsnet standby.

"We would have to chauffeur DD to the ceremony and then hang about for several hours until the evening session. These arrangements do not work for us. So with regret, we will have to decline".

£100 for a child's dress must be a pretty substantial contribution, proportionally speaking. No, it just sounds like you would begrudge all the hanging around (as would I in these circumstances).

I didn't go to a friend's wedding when they organised it in the middle of bloody nowhere so it was cheap for them, and then still expected people to bring their own food. I think as a host you should show some consideration to your guests.

Send this or, if there is really doubt about the exact arrangements, call her to clarify.

More constructive than this endless ruminating.

I would send her a message just checking whether it's correct that you haven't been invited to the reception and whether your dd has been invited. It would be virtually unheard of for a bridesmaid not to be invited to the reception. It will be interesting to see how she responds because I would have thought some explanation would be needed from her - it will be hard for her to just say 'yes that's correct, neither of you are invited' without saying why. Then you can decide whether to go or not based on her answer.

It’s totally out of order for her to A. ask your dd to be bridesmaid and expect you to pay for the dress/flowers, and B. Leave you out of the actual meal. She’s no friend and I’d swerve the wedding altogether

Are you in a different country/part of the UK to the rest of us?

The wedding breakfast in most of the UK is the large meal which takes place immediately after the church service. Not at breakfast time. It is the main focus of the reception, where you have speeches and toasts etc to celebrate the marriage which has just taken place. Perfectly normal for children to be present, and it would be highly unusual for only the groom’s side to be invited.

One of DH’s friends did this. Six hours between ceremony and evening event, which was somewhere godforsaken near Surbiton (and nowhere near the church).

Everyone went to the ceremony, fucked off to the pub, and didn’t go back. B&G were apparently pissed off, but what did they expect?

She charged you for the bridesmaid's dress?

I emailed yesterday and asked whether we/just DD were invited to the wedding breakfast. She responded by profusely apologising and saying sorry but because of costs they cannot invite us all and she knows logistically things are difficult but she suggested booking a taxi to some pubs nearby for food, then coming to the evening do. She said she would call tonight to try and work something out. She said the dresses were going to be custom made and then they could be kept as they were really nice evening wear, which is why she wanted a contribution which would not really cover the cost of the dress. She was going to wear Alexander McQueen and she was having the dresses made to match so they would look amazing. She said my DD was invited to the breakfast but their expense could not stretch to the rest of the family. She also said they had to book various minibuses for the guests who could not drive to go to/from the hotel and they were full but she could ask if they could come back to the church to take us somewhere once they had transported guests to the hotel for the breakfast. This would mean us waiting for at least 1-2 hours to get a lift to a pub and leaving my DD to go by herself to the wedding breakfast. Then get a taxi back to the hotel for the evening do. It would ostensibly seem like she was bending over backwards to try and accommodate us.

However, another friend went out for drinks in London with the prospective bride and was talking to some of the women there. They were her work colleagues she had known for a few months (she takes temporary contracts in the City) and some of his work colleagues and they said they were going to the wedding breakfast. That was fine but some of the people said that they did not really know the B&G really well and were just going along for the jolly and the country house hotel looked really nice as they had sent around links to it to the guests who were invited. It would seem as if she maybe trying to build contacts to establish links to obtain contracts in the future but at the expense of her close friends.

i don’t feel resentful, just sad that she is so mercenary.

"...she is so mercenary."

Do you really need friends like that?

Oh, that's definitely not nice.

If I were you I would swerve the whole thing. If DD doesn't know she has been invited to be a bridesmaid (which I think you said in a previous update) then I wouldn't say anything to her at all.

It would seem as if she maybe trying to build contacts to establish links to obtain contracts in the future but at the expense of her close friends.

Time to say no. You've been downgraded and the cost and logistics are not doable for you and your kids.

Don't send that gift. If you can't return it, sell it.

Even with the update, she’s still being rude.

I’d definitely decline after all that. She’s treating close friends like spare parts and replacing them with new work colleagues. It sounds like others are miffed about this situation too.

Lose her, she’s not worth your time, energy or thought. Kindly let her know you are unable to make it and nor is your daughter able to be a bridesmaid due to the logistics of it all. Good riddance.

She might have been profuse with apologies but that she's excluded you know favour of work colleagues and didn't have the grace to speak to you before you receive the formal invitation is unforgivable.

Pull out of the wedding and let the friendship go. It isn't a friendship. A lesson for the bride as well as your daughter. Sorry op

I think you should go and give the gift.

friendships change over time but its still lovely to reconnect and celebrate special occasions.

Time to bow out. You can be polite in doing so if you want to keep the friendship, but definitely decline.
“Thanks for inviting us, but the logistics & costs involved just aren’t possible for us. Hope you have a lovely day”

This.

If your DD is bridesmaid (and paying for the privilege!) then I would expect a bit of grub in return! Cheeky bride!

Haha good on them!!

op in your latest update you say it seems like she’s bent over backwards. No, it doesn’t at all! She hasn’t even got room on the bus that’s for the real guests, you couldn’t make this stuff up for a guide on how to treat your old friends like trash. You reply I do appreciate the logistics are tricky and thank you for the message. However dd is only 15 and I know she won’t be happy but I’m not leaving her at an adults function where everyone will be drinking on her own. Its kind of you to send the bus back but still sounds like a 2 hour wait to get anywhere, I think it is just too complicated and I’m really sorry but we have thought it through and unfortunately we won’t be able to make it. I really hope you have a wonderful day and will send a gift, and hope to catch up after you’re back.

I think this friendship has run its course. I'd decline the invitation and try to put her in my rear view mirror. It's a shame when you realise that a friendship meant more to you than the other person, but it happens.

How did she respond when you told her to fuck the fuck off?

This.