Page 8 | AIBU to skip old friend’s wedding after evening-only invitation?

CovenOfCheeses · 2026-03-15T13:13:52+00:00

I have a friend from UNI, who I have been a best friend to. I supported her during her divorce and throughout her life in both an emotional and financial manner. Over the last few years I have not met up with her as much as my eldest daughter died traumatically and my youngest son went off the rails and I have to deal with both these issues while holding down a job as a single parent to three children. She is footloose and fancy free and does not have any dependents. She contracts and then goes on holiday for 6 months of the year. She owns a 5 bedroom house outright after her divorce and rents rooms which mostly pays her way. I have struggled financially and do not have much disposable income, time or energy to go out all the time. We no longer go out together as much as we did when we were younger. She has met a younger man and they are getting married in the summer. I cannot afford to go to her hen do (which may be cancelled anyway due to the ongoing issues in the Middle East) but told her that I cannot do an expensive hen do. Anyway, I got an invite to her Wedding for all my kids and myself but just to the evening do and not for the wedding breakfast. The wedding is in a country house in the middle of nowhere as is the Church. This would mean that we would have to go to the Church where my youngest daughter has been chosen to be a bridesmaid (with a cost of £100+ as a contribution for her dress and flowers) then hang around for 3-4 hours while other people have their wedding breakfast then head to the evening disco. we would have to spend to go to the nearest town by ordering a taxi in advance as service is very poor in the area. We also have to pay to stay nearby as the hotel is booked up with guests and is expensive anyway. We are just invited to a disco at the hotel where there is a paying bar. The food and drinks for the breakfast are being paid for and most people will be drunk when we arrive. I would not mind if this was a cost thing to them, but people that she has just met who are his friends are being invited to the breakfast as well as his extended family and friend network. I just found this out from people who are on her Facebook who have also not been invited to the breakfast. She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends. Only her parents and their new respective partners are invited to the breakfast as well as her “new” friends. Do you think I should avoid her wedding altogether?

Frany1 · 17/03/2026 18:16

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 21:27

She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends.

What makes you think she had any say in the invitations? Wedding breakfast is one of the things usually paid for by the groom’s family and his mother will have likely decided the invites.

If she did have say, maybe she was trying to save you a long, tiring day with small children. Do you think your kids would want to be at both plus a service? For mine it would be too much. You have a break of 3-4hrs, don’t hang about the church.

Traditionally, the reception is paid for by the bride's parents. That's why the father of the bride gets to make a speech, but the groom's father doesn't.

Frany1 · 17/03/2026 18:25

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 22:16

I have never heard of a wedding breakfast that included everyone invited to the ceremony! That is way too many people. The wedding breakfast is meant to be a more intimate, smaller event even than the reception afterwards. It is commonly the grooms side that puts it on and it is for the bride and her immediate family to meet the grooms family and friends prior to the service.
And yes, usually no children.

Edited

Show quote history

We had a sit-down dinner for our nearly 100 guests, including at least 9 children. Admittedly, we had the use of an Army officers' mess for the occasion - but I'd say that was the norm for a lot of middle-class people in Britain.
Traditionally, it's the bride's father who pays, although my husband and I were mid-30s and late-20s respectively and funded it ourselves.

Comefromaway · 17/03/2026 18:34

We had 150 guests for our wedding breakfast which was a sit down 3 course meal and 200 for the evening do. (Working class family from Stoke)

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 17/03/2026 18:44

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 22:16

I have never heard of a wedding breakfast that included everyone invited to the ceremony! That is way too many people. The wedding breakfast is meant to be a more intimate, smaller event even than the reception afterwards. It is commonly the grooms side that puts it on and it is for the bride and her immediate family to meet the grooms family and friends prior to the service.
And yes, usually no children.

Edited

Show quote history

This is not what a wedding breakfast is.

westcott · 17/03/2026 18:54

All sounds a bit weird

Greenwriter76 · 17/03/2026 19:01

Based on what you say in your post, YANBU. Who would have someone as a bridesmaid but not invite to the whole day?

Frany1 · 17/03/2026 19:05

CovenOfCheeses · 17/03/2026 10:06

I emailed yesterday and asked whether we/just DD were invited to the wedding breakfast. She responded by profusely apologising and saying sorry but because of costs they cannot invite us all and she knows logistically things are difficult but she suggested booking a taxi to some pubs nearby for food, then coming to the evening do. She said she would call tonight to try and work something out. She said the dresses were going to be custom made and then they could be kept as they were really nice evening wear, which is why she wanted a contribution which would not really cover the cost of the dress. She was going to wear Alexander McQueen and she was having the dresses made to match so they would look amazing. She said my DD was invited to the breakfast but their expense could not stretch to the rest of the family. She also said they had to book various minibuses for the guests who could not drive to go to/from the hotel and they were full but she could ask if they could come back to the church to take us somewhere once they had transported guests to the hotel for the breakfast. This would mean us waiting for at least 1-2 hours to get a lift to a pub and leaving my DD to go by herself to the wedding breakfast. Then get a taxi back to the hotel for the evening do. It would ostensibly seem like she was bending over backwards to try and accommodate us.

However, another friend went out for drinks in London with the prospective bride and was talking to some of the women there. They were her work colleagues she had known for a few months (she takes temporary contracts in the City) and some of his work colleagues and they said they were going to the wedding breakfast. That was fine but some of the people said that they did not really know the B&G really well and were just going along for the jolly and the country house hotel looked really nice as they had sent around links to it to the guests who were invited. It would seem as if she maybe trying to build contacts to establish links to obtain contracts in the future but at the expense of her close friends.

i don’t feel resentful, just sad that she is so mercenary.

In that case, I'd just go to the wedding and then leave. Your daughter might think at first she'd want to stay for the reception but she'd surely get bored without her family but with loads of adults she doesn't know. I don't think I'd take any of the other children, either.

Frany1 · 17/03/2026 19:12

I'd add that if she's having an haute couture designer dress but can't afford a meal for all the wedding guests, she's screwed up both her spending priorities and the size of the guest list.

Figgygal · 17/03/2026 19:56

CovenOfCheeses · 17/03/2026 10:06

I emailed yesterday and asked whether we/just DD were invited to the wedding breakfast. She responded by profusely apologising and saying sorry but because of costs they cannot invite us all and she knows logistically things are difficult but she suggested booking a taxi to some pubs nearby for food, then coming to the evening do. She said she would call tonight to try and work something out. She said the dresses were going to be custom made and then they could be kept as they were really nice evening wear, which is why she wanted a contribution which would not really cover the cost of the dress. She was going to wear Alexander McQueen and she was having the dresses made to match so they would look amazing. She said my DD was invited to the breakfast but their expense could not stretch to the rest of the family. She also said they had to book various minibuses for the guests who could not drive to go to/from the hotel and they were full but she could ask if they could come back to the church to take us somewhere once they had transported guests to the hotel for the breakfast. This would mean us waiting for at least 1-2 hours to get a lift to a pub and leaving my DD to go by herself to the wedding breakfast. Then get a taxi back to the hotel for the evening do. It would ostensibly seem like she was bending over backwards to try and accommodate us.

However, another friend went out for drinks in London with the prospective bride and was talking to some of the women there. They were her work colleagues she had known for a few months (she takes temporary contracts in the City) and some of his work colleagues and they said they were going to the wedding breakfast. That was fine but some of the people said that they did not really know the B&G really well and were just going along for the jolly and the country house hotel looked really nice as they had sent around links to it to the guests who were invited. It would seem as if she maybe trying to build contacts to establish links to obtain contracts in the future but at the expense of her close friends.

i don’t feel resentful, just sad that she is so mercenary.

She's outrageous
Honestly I'd be telling her DD was out as a bridesmaid too
Sorry but that friendship is well and truly over

CruCru · 17/03/2026 22:25

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 17/03/2026 18:44

This is not what a wedding breakfast is.

Show quote history

I think it’s a rehearsal dinner. We had one the night before our wedding. It was for the immediate family and people who’d flown in from overseas.

jackdunnock · 17/03/2026 22:51

I really wouldn't be comfortable with a 15 yo DD going to the wedding breakfast on her own. Sounds like only person there she's knows is the bride, who's likely to be too preoccupied to pay much attention to her. Even if dd has the social confidence to cope with being at a big event completely alone (and I doubt many 15 yo would), I still wouldn't be comfortable with it. Alcohol will be flowing and weddings are notorious for drunken hookups. Wouldn't be the least bit surprised if some drunken male guest tried to be inappropriate with a lone bridesmaid, despite her age.

If DD is keen to be bridesmaid, then I still maintain you should all just attend the ceremony and then go home.

OhDear111 · 17/03/2026 23:30

I bet her dress is not AMcQ. That would be a great deal of money if not a white version of an evening dress! Bespoke bridesmaid dresses. Has DD had any fittings? If not, that’s rubbish. All this expense and you don’t get to go as mother of the bridesmaid? So utterly mean. You are going to be in a difficult position with DD but I’d be cross about this and I’d try and persuade dd to drop out.

BabooshkaHaHa · 18/03/2026 00:05

This is one of the cheekiest, self entitled wedding ‘invites’ I’ve heard of; she wants to ‘use’ your daughter and expect you to just deal with the logistics and the cost. If you respect yourself and value friendship, just RSVP that your daughter and your family cannot attend. Friends don’t do this, get some better ones.

saraclara · 18/03/2026 00:25

MrsAga · 17/03/2026 10:53

Time to bow out. You can be polite in doing so if you want to keep the friendship, but definitely decline.
“Thanks for inviting us, but the logistics & costs involved just aren’t possible for us. Hope you have a lovely day”

That.

Obviously I'd rather tell her exactly how I felt, having read your last update. But the polite version is classier.

SweetBaklava · 18/03/2026 06:25

Wow she is a CF of the highest order! You do not need this person in your life. No way would I go to the wedding.

Original poster

CovenOfCheeses · 18/03/2026 09:21

Yep, we are not going.

OP posts:

Whosthetabbynow · 18/03/2026 10:56

CruCru · 17/03/2026 22:25

I think it’s a rehearsal dinner. We had one the night before our wedding. It was for the immediate family and people who’d flown in from overseas.

Show quote history

The wedding breakfast is what the sit down meal after the wedding ceremony is called

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 18/03/2026 11:34

CovenOfCheeses · 18/03/2026 09:21

Yep, we are not going.

How's your daughter with the decision? Hope she understands and is backing you!

Dozer · 18/03/2026 12:31

The (drip fed) information about your DD (asked to be a bridesmaid but then not attend the whole thing) being a teenager make’s friend even more U! Not a nice way to treat a DC aged over 3!

Pickles56 · 18/03/2026 12:41

Let me get this straight.

You are all invited to schlep miles to the ceremony, where your DD will be a bridesmaid. You have to pay £100+ for the privilege, oh but she can keep the dress and wear it to an evening do.

Which f*cking evening do is your 15 year old going to wear it to exactly?

Then you all have to wait around as transport is booked up, you aren’t invited to the reception, but you can taxi and hang around till the evening where you’ll be able to buy your own drinks before coughing up again to get home?

I see you’ve said no. Well done on asserting some self respect.

Tryagain26 · 18/03/2026 12:51

CruCru · 17/03/2026 22:25

I think it’s a rehearsal dinner. We had one the night before our wedding. It was for the immediate family and people who’d flown in from overseas.

Show quote history

A wedding breakfast is not a rehearsal dinner. It's the meal after the wedding. It's called a wedding breakfast because it's the first meal after the couple have got married. Just as breakfast in the morning is the first meal of the day.
The rehearsal dinner which seems to be a thing in the USA takes place before the ceremony so i don't see how it can be called a wedding breakfast

OneOfEachPlease · 18/03/2026 13:01

I’m really sorry to hear this! It sounds like she’s mistaken her wedding for a networking opportunity.

I would be really hurt by this. I would be very upset not to be invited to such a close friends’s wedding and then I would be very cross to be expected to still facilitate the logistics of it and pay so much.

This happened within my family. My cousin wanted a very lavish wedding so he excluded a huge amount of the family to afford that. And no one has really been in touch very much since because he made what he thought of us very clear. So these choices do have consequences.

OhDear111 · 18/03/2026 13:32

@OneOfEachPlease Not everyone is attached to family. Sometimes they are so much trouble, friends are an easier bet! We hardly have any relatives and those we have are not invited to DDs wedding. Her and fiancé are mostly inviting friends - around 200 of them. Relatives are not part of DDs life in a meaningful way so they are not meaningful at her wedding. Other people are.

RampantIvy · 18/03/2026 13:38

I don't think I know 200 people let alone am friends with them.

OhDear111 · 18/03/2026 13:42

@RampantIvy Nor me! However DD collects friends like no other! Fiancé is not the major supplier of friends but some go back over 20 years and others are more recent. I think the total invitation list is 220. My portion of the list is god parents!