AIBU - Mother’s Day for ‘women who have chosen not to be mothers’

[Hedgehoggin]

Scrolling through Instagram this morning and I’ve seen some Mother’s Day content - AIBU to think that ‘women who have chosen not to be mothers’ being celebrated on Mother’s Day is just bonkers?

Do you think during Baby Loss Awareness Week that we should be reminding people that some babies are born healthy and well and should also be celebrated to make "room for everyone". And that the wave of light for lost babies should reasonably include candles lit for babies and children that are still alive?

Don't you see how that might dilute the purpose of Baby Loss Awareness?

The same happens when Mother's Day becomes about more than mothers.

The best thing about AIBU is we can all share our own opinions and there will always be people who agree and disagree

I’m sorry for your miscarriages and however you felt about Mother’s Day after them is valid. We all grieve or feeling differently. Grief isn’t a one size fits all.

If you just want to celebrate those who have living children on Mother’s Day then that’s absolutely fine, nothing anyone can say or do will change my opinion though.

Brilliant response. It's not taking anything away from anyone. Just let and let live.

To be clear, I think Mother's Day is about celebrating mothers - and those who have lost their children are still mothers.

To me “those who have chosen not to be a mum” sounds like actual mums who have disowned their children or were shitty mothers and didn’t fancy be a mum. It’s a weird thing and shouldn’t be included on there

Nothing anyone can say on this thread will change my mind.

Mothers Day and Father’s Day ARE difficult for many people, it’s not about “celebrating” those who have lost babies, never managed to have them, chose not too after infertility. It’s just that some people acknowledge this day can be hard for them

You don’t have to, no one is forcing you to care about other people in the world honestly.

Some people like to acknowledge the day is hard for some and I’ll always be open to that.

I’ve never thought that anyone dealing with infertility or chosen not to be a mum because of x y z is ruining my Mother’s Day

Does this bother you so much because you feel like a ‘dogsbody’ the rest of the year and this is your one day of appreciation? I can sort of understand a little bit more why you’re going so hard for it if that’s the case.

I enjoy Mother’s Day and don’t think anyone should feel bad or guilty for enjoying it. But I can also acknowledge it’s not an enjoyable day for lots of people for many reasons. Christmas, birthdays - people feel differently about these for all sorts of reasons. It doesn’t stop me being able to enjoy them
or harm my experience but lots of people appreciate feeling ‘seen’.

It's a graphic made for the Mirror, how do you think this stops the people in your life celebrating you? What difference does it make to you?

This is basically what I’ve been getting at in my comments, you’ve summed it up well. You can still celebrate and have a wonderful Christmas. You don’t have to care or think about those who maybe find Christmas hard, have chosen not to celebrate this year for whatever etc… but some people do acknowledge this day is hard for others.

It isn’t about watering down Christmas or Mother’s Day or Father’s Day the list can go on,

Nope, my DH is great, happily. But I know that's not the case for a lot of women. Probably for the majority, given what horrors I see posted on Mumsnet, and I think mothers should be allowed to have Mother's Day be about them, without needing to stop and think about everyone else.

If a woman has chosen not to be a mum because it doesn’t fit in with her lifestyle ideals or she wants to feel like she’s a hero thinking she’s saving the planet or something with her super selfless act of not having a baby, then she doesn’t get to poke her nose in on Mothers Day expecting people to indulge her sliding doors moment.

Obviously I know for some women, the choice is painful. They might have their moment to think about how life might have been if circumstances were different and I understand why Mother’s Day would be a difficult day for them as it’s a reminder of something they actually do want. But as I said, if it’s just because they want freedom and don’t want to be a mum, then Mothers Day isn’t about them at all.

Supposed 'inclusivity' is so condescending it makes me want to vomit, and this meme is a prime example of this. Solo mums and mums who have lost children are also mums. Turning them into a subcategory of motherhood is patronising in the extreme and, some might say, overtly offensive.

If everything is open to everybody then there is no point in having a 'day' to mark anything. That said, I don't get to gatekeep Mothering Sunday, which originally honoured the mother church and had nothing to do with the maternal variety at all. If people want to indulge in this schmaltzy nonsense I don't suppose it's hurting me.

Well by the same token I can't imagine anyone being made to feel worse by a cringy meme, but this thread shows that people have different feelings about things

Normally I can't get het up over a bit of validation being given to the choice not to have children, there's far too little of it generally. Agree it seems weird on Mother's Day though. As a pp said, maybe they just needed to fill that space in the design.

I'm not a mother. I've had a miscarriage. I've had unprotected sex for many years. I've now chosen not to have children. I am (so so so very) mildly offended that someone thinks I should be brought into any conversation about mothers.

So Mother's Day was a nothing for me, until a graphic pointed out I should feel some way on Mother's Day because I chose not to have children. Why should it be hard for me, should I be feeling less than because I didn't have children?

If the game is not to offend anyone, then it's not worked. So why not's just let keep Mother's Day for people with mothers and people who are mothers or who have feelings about motherhood.

A catch all of "people who decided not to be mother's" isn't appropriate. A catch all of "anyone having difficult feelings on Mother's Day" would have worked much better.

I absolutely do not want anyone reaching out to me today to say they're thinking of me for choosing not to have children. How patronising.

No they are the ones who take down their Halloween decorations, so Christmas can be about Christmas.

We should bookmark this and see if the posts about Dads, on father's day, have multiple categories.

At least the meme spared its readers that particular oddity.

I love cats and have had them for the majority of my adult life. If anyone had ever referred to me as their 'mummy' I'd have thought they'd gone off their rocker.

Those who choose not to be mothers dont need a card to remind them. Who would send the card?

I'd strongly doubt it given male categories still seem to belong to men.

It's women who have 'inclusivity' dinged in our ears morning, noon and night, and who are are constantly admonished to 'be kind'.

Absolutely this. So-called inclusivity so very often comes with a nice, unhealthy side dollop of patrony.

It's all extremely tedious.

Happy Mother’s Day too all those who aren’t female

xxxx

Yes - they can be celebrated on Women's day! Which we had only recently.

Right but how does that mean they’re celebrated on Mother’s Day? It’s not my birthday tomorrow so I’m celebrating it.

Ok well I’m glad that’s not the case for you. Interested in your take on birthdays? Do you think it’s reasonable to consider others in plans etc. or should it be purely about the birthday person?

It's bollocks. I chose not to have children, so do not need any of this (not even as the owner of a beloved dog).

Every year - and this year is the same - Mumsnet has a raft of threads in which some women have taken offence because people around them have not made the 'effort' the poster wanted. There's even one with someone upset that her own mother didn't wish her "Happy mother's day" back in response to a text.

It's utterly daft.