AIBU - Mother’s Day for ‘women who have chosen not to be mothers’

[Hedgehoggin]

Scrolling through Instagram this morning and I’ve seen some Mother’s Day content - AIBU to think that ‘women who have chosen not to be mothers’ being celebrated on Mother’s Day is just bonkers?

I chose not to have children because I have a genetic disability that I didn’t want to pass on, but feel free to be nasty to people like me.

I think that's covered by 'mum's who have lost children'.

This is what I don't understand. The attitude that it's nasty to celebrate mothers without half a dozen caveats. Why is it nasty to just want to celebrate mothers on Mother's Day?

“Those who have chosen not to become mothers” could be to include those who have had complex emotions or feelings towards deciding to have children or not, or could of had long infertility journey or multiple baby losses before deciding not to have children in a sense of continuing the journey to try to have one.

Maybe it’s just me but I didn’t read that as in someone who doesn’t want to be a mum who couldn’t care less about being one, but more for woman who maybe at some point in their lives thought they would but for whatever reason haven’t.

That’s not what I said.

This is what I mean! I am a mum but I’d happily think of you on mother’s day. You made a tough selfless decision. Hope you’re doing ok x

Then what were you saying? Because without any other context, it seemed like that.

I wonder if those who want to just celebrate mothers on Mother’s Day are the same ones who give their children Valentines cards and treats?

So many people have already explained to you and others that it is not about celebrating, it is about awareness. You're just winding people up now.

Can you not see how your perspective on this may have shifted in comparison to someone who is currently in their 20s or 30s and can’t have children? It’s good that you’ve reached a place of acceptance but give others the chance to do that too.

Yes of course. There’s room for both those who are currently yearning for motherhood and those who planned motherhood but it never happened and they are now beyond that life stage.

So why are people trying to push infertility awareness on a celebratory day for mothers? Are mothers not allowed to just have a nice day to themselves? Why not pick a different day?

ETA: I'm not sure why you think that disagreement is 'winding people up'

When I went through pregnancy loss one of my friends said it wasn’t my first Mother’s Day because I wasn’t a mum as my babies died. I know she probably didn’t think about it properly and others may even agree with her but it was extremely difficult for me to hear that.

My best friend is currently struggling watching others around her be mums whilst secretly worrying about her genetic condition that has a high chance to be passed down to her child. She may choose not to become a mum and that’s why I believe it’s ok to have “those who have chosen not to become mums” on that post.

There’s room for everyone 🩷

Erm, what? Is that something people do?

Right, so mothers can't just have a day for themselves.

This reminds me of trans women arguing that they should be celebrated on International Women's Day too, because it shouldn't just be about 'cis women'.

Frankly, if the day doesn't apply to you, it's not for you. Not everything is always about you.

I’m a mum with a second baby about to arrive soon. I can be celebrated and enjoy my day whilst also understanding that today IS hard for so many woman for so many reasons.

I can enjoy my Mother’s Day card, present and meal out whilst also sending a little thinking of you text to a couple of friends who will be finding today hard.

I lost twins (early on) on Mother’s Day 2022. I was told that day wasn’t about me and Mother’s Day 2023 was tough but again, it wasn’t about me. Luckily my husband still acknowledged it for me and some lovely friends.

You sound lovely! Your friends are lucky to have you 🩷

Absolutely. That’s why I don’t really agree with the gate keeping. Raising awareness of others with a more complicated relationship to motherhood (through infertility, bereavement etc.) doesn’t harm mothers so I don’t really get the problem.

I've also suffered miscarriages.

I didn't expect Mother's Day to be about me when I miscarried before I was a mother, and personally I wouldn't have particularly wanted to be reminded of my recent loss by getting texts from friends or family. Instead I celebrated my mum.

Obviously close friends and family might know the day would be hard for their loved one struggling with infertility and react appropriately, but if they need a graphic on social media to remind them of that, they're not very good friends or family members.

Regardless, I don't see why Mother's Day is getting turned into a 'think of every woman who exists day' in silly graphics like these.

Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose of having a “Mothers’ Day” then though??? I don’t care about the day personally but I do think it’s nonsense to be trying to make it “inclusive”

Yes, clearly we should just make it 'Human Day' and then actual mothers can shut up and go back to doing all the dogsbody work, and just be grateful for being mothers (as another thread is currently suggesting)!

Luckily for those women, we've literally just had international women's day last weekend so they could have celebrated their womanhood then.

Mother's Day doesn't need to be extended to women who don't have and have never had children by choice. They could easily have called point 8 "women who have yearned to be a mother".

Although I doubt this graphic is going to make it any easier on those yearning for a child, knowing that they aren't being celebrated as a mother today just because someone on the internet reposted something. In fact, I think for most women in that situation, being celebrated on Mother's Day would just be salt in a wound that it's not the celebration they so desperately hope for.

A nicer 9th point would have been those that are NC with their mothers because they are abusive. I imagine Mother's Day is reasonably tough for them, and they are truly forgotten about - in favour of people who didn't want to be a mother...

MN goes batshit on Mother's Day. AIBU has loads of threads running at the moment. Hell, one where OP is complaining about the way her mum thanked her for her gift.
No one can win on here.

What happened to me wasn't as bad, but the local farm shop once gave me flowers for Mothering Sunday - just a wee posy - and I blurted out "But I'm not a mother!"

It did hurt. They were just trying to be nice.