AIBU - Mother’s Day for ‘women who have chosen not to be mothers’

[Hedgehoggin]

Scrolling through Instagram this morning and I’ve seen some Mother’s Day content - AIBU to think that ‘women who have chosen not to be mothers’ being celebrated on Mother’s Day is just bonkers?

Is there honestly an actual person who has wanted to have children but couldn’t (which is incredibly hard), who looks at this and thinks ‘aw shucks I might have felt a pang of sadness today, but thank god this day DOES actually include me after all, so that’s ok then!’ ?? If you’re sad about not being a mother, then this day may feel sad, completely understandably- this post is actually quite patronising in it’s almost ‘aw bless you, here’s to you as well!’ message. We seem to infantilise everyone these days.

Oh god yes, I saw a similar one early that mentioned “to all the plant mums”… as in…women who own plants.

Does it genuinely make you feel awkward and small? I think that’s quite over the top. It doesn’t make me feel that way at all. It’s a tiny nod to those who might have more complicated feelings about Mother’s Day or a non-traditional experience of motherhood. If that’s not you then no skin off your nose. If Mother’s Day stirs nothing complex in you and is just a lovely day to spend with and be celebrated by your children then count yourself lucky, enjoy it and move along.

Maybe they’ve chosen not to be mothers because they’re worried about passing on a genetic disease. Or because they’re struggling with other mental or physical health problems and know they wouldn’t cope with the demands of a child. Or because they’re struggling know that financially it would be too hard. Not every woman who has chosen not to be a mother has done so because she can’t be arsed with it. How hard is it to acknowledge the existence of those women? What skin is it off your nose?

"AIBU to think that ‘women who have chosen not to be mothers’ being celebrated on Mother’s Day is just bonkers?"

The graphic isn't saying that people who have chosen not to be mother's should be celebrated, it's saying there's a load of people who find today difficult for whatever reason and we see you.

Yes over many years I think it does.

it reminds me of when I planned my wedding - I was on a wedding forum for 3 years and all the information I was taking in, about not upsetting this person or that person, not causing inconvenience to the hens by asking them to pay too much, not causing inconvenience to the in laws by doing xyz, not keeping guests waiting, not asking for presents, not asking them to do xyz difficult thing- looking back after years of ingesting this information I was so worried about my wedding being a big inconvenience to everyone that I didn’t really get what I wanted from the big day. It’s only with many years reflection I recognise it.

It doesn't make sense.

To be fair this is a good way of looking at it

I think that, when I was still actively trying to have a child, which was in pre social media days and the internet itself was in its infancy, something like this might have made me feel a bit more acknowledged. But I’m now in my early sixties and no longer sad about not being a mother, rather the opposite in fact.

DH and I both lost our mothers 11 and 9 years ago,both of old age and dementia in my mother’s case. I’m thinking of the happy times we had with both of them.

Good point 🌹

Yes, I agree. I think it's nice.

Meant to click yanbu x

Utterly ridiculous. Mother's Day is for all mothers, and no one else. You'd think the name would make that clear.

It’s not a celebration graphic though is it. In fact it is to counteract all the posts you will see on social media etc celebrating Mother’s Day and this graphic acknowledges that for some today is not always a celebration. And the one saying for women who have chosen not to be a mum, that choice might not have been an easy choice to make

Agree I find that all a bit yuck. Like I’m happy in my life choices I don’t need patronising thank you.

Mother’s Day is for mothers. International women’s day is for all women.

My sister is not a mother. A combination (i think, she hasn't said because she is very, very private) of health reasons and being single for a very long time.

It would absolutely kill her if I shared something like this with her. It would very much be taken as a reminder of what she doesn't have and she would feel patronised as someone to be pitied or felt sorry for.

I see the image as basically categorising women only as mothers or not-mothers. You can't be any other type of woman. You only count or have value when considered in relation to children. How belittling.

It’s one of those prizes for everyone things isn’t it.

We've JUST had international women's day.

We don't need to include all women in mothers day. It's for mothers those in a mothering role.

Women who are trying to be mothers also deserve a mention because this day can be very difficult for them.

But if you don't want to be one, why would you even want to be included??

Of course a random post from the Mirror isn’t going to wipe your sadness away, but I think infertility is so often a very lonely and invisible weight people carry. Some people might appreciate some small acknowledgement.

Also for lots of people who haven’t experienced infertility it doesn’t even register for them as a thing. The people who ask why you haven’t had kids yet or make you feel guilty about an only child. Maybe it could actually prompt those people to think twice before piping up in future 🤷‍♀️

Because it's wrong.

I'm not enraged though, just irritated. Mother's Day is for mothers. If one isn't a mother, then they don't fit the criteria.

The image includes people who have lost a mum, or who care for their mum, both of which could be men.

Maybe infertility awareness should be brought up on a day that isn't for mothers, then?

Yes, that's how I see it.

It’s stupid. Not everything has to be about everyone. I think it’s people just getting offended on behalf of others. Before I was a mother I never gave a thought to not being included.

Heaven forbid we forget the men on mother's day.

(My MIL died a few years ago. I have thought about her today, but haven't presented DH with a bunch of flowers or a card to celebrate the fact his mum is dead.)