Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

[ZanySheep]

We have talked about marriage although bf is still going through his divorce. 3.5 years in, we live together with my kids (they call him step dad) he's met everyone on my side we are very very happy . His ex has said to him I will never be a part of their dd's lives (19&21yrs) still I have never met them because of this . They were living together when we met. They are still married going thru divorce. I have a feeling he will propose when divorce comes through.. my question is should I say yes if I've never met his girls ? I've met his parents , some friends. They live local he sees them every week , gives them money still . He's a brilliant dad . What are everyone's thoughts ?..

His daughters are now adults. If they wanted to meet you they could have done so at any time during the last three years.

Marry him , that’s fine, but don’t expect a relationship with his daughters who obviously are sticking to the party line drawn up by his ex. It’s for him to decide what to do about them, and to think about how he will feel in a few years time if they get married, have babies and you both end up feeling excluded from the relationship.

I assume the only way you know this is that he has told you… and you believe him…
(Maybe it happened a few times. But every day for a year? I doubt it very much.)

Has it occurred to you that he might not want you to meet his daughters in case they don’t corroborate things he has told you?

But you’re basing all your knowledge of what his marriage and his relationship with his kids is like on what HE has told you. A cheat. A deceiver. A liar.

A lot of people are in unhappy marriages - I was for many years. We knew we wouldn't grow old together but neither of us had affairs. We eventually went our separate ways.

If his marriage was so bad that he was sleeping on the floor (no sofa?) the teenage daughters would have known about it, and there would be no need for the wife to be hiding the evidence! You have only his word for this, and it's nonsense - no one sleeps on the floor for a year.

I'm reminded of a colleague from nearly 50 years ago - she was having a long term affair with a married man who couldn't leave because of his young children but he was 'sleeping in the spare room and he and the wife were like housemates'. Well until the wife became pregnant as a result of his 'sleep walking' !

You actually believe all his bullshit? slept on the floor?
Why do you have a joint account with him? he’s still married!
You sound incredibly daft and deluded.

so you have an affair with their dad when they were teenagers - he left his marriage for you and you think the only reason his daughters don’t want to meet you is because their mum is bitter?

Life is messy and these things happen - but you can’t expect these women to just accept you after what happened. They are adults with eyes and morals of their own. They see you as someone who has a relationship with a married man - they will have their own views and judgements. That’s okay.

maybe in time they will soften, but don’t blame a bitter ex wife when you had the affair. Lots of people would have an issue with the woman their dad cheated on their mum with! And in most cases the relationship isn’t perfect - of course it isn’t. Doesn’t excuse the cheating and lying.

You’re right, you only get one life. But you still have to live with the consequences of the choices you make. Get on with your own life and let his family do the same.

You have a joint bank account with a married man, thats a marital asset.

Good catch.

If this guy was a good dad, he would have moved into a place where he could have partial custody. Instead, this well earning man moved from his sad floor bed into OP's, making it pretty certain he wouldn't have custody time.

Is he still paying maintenance as well as the mortgage? Is he giving financial help to his daughter in school?

In the nicest possible way, why did you ask this thread if you’ve decided so strongly?

Don’t get engaged to someone still settling their divorce. Wait for the divorce. In my opinion he shouldn’t be proposing until that’s sorted out, although maybe it’s just talking about it and he plans to propose later once the divorce is all settled.

If his children were under 18 I would say definitely don’t get engaged without meeting. Since they are adults, once the divorce is settled then I think it can be ok to get engaged without meeting them if he never sees them. The same way you’d get engaged despite not having met other close relatives of his.

He could have left his DDs mum, then started a relationship with OP. Cheating on your children's mum does not make you a good dad.

He could have got the divorce done and dusted in the last 3.5 years so that he could afford a place of his own. Creating a comfortable living situation for your teenage DDs is what a good parent does, he chose to do the very opposite.

This isn't about a dad who left his wife, this is about a man who cheated on his kids mother at a very critical time in their lives and then created this huge distance by chosing the other woman over them when he knew they had not even begun to deal with the destruction of their family. Yes, he sees them sometimes but he will never be able to be fully integrated in their lives as long as he choses OP over them. There won't be any family outings with his kids and potential future grandkids, OP won't be invited to their weddings, the kids won't be able to come to their grandparents birthday's if the OP is there. He rushed into this, only thought about himself and he is now paying the price for that.

His wife probably thought that.

Is he paying her mortgage still?

I didn't say it would affect their grades per se. But it's a challenging time and they don't need extra emotional pressure.

Yes - but you have to have the emotional maturity to understand not everyone will fall into line with what you want.

to be frank - you seem very self centered. You are happy, he is happy so screw everyone else. Can you not think about this from the perspective of his children? How they view you? Did you really expect them
to say oh well, the had an affair with my dad but what the hell - I am sure apart from that she’s lovely?? I think have some growing up to do.

Presumably you've no assets you want to ensure your own children will inherit rather than the prospective stepdaughters you've never met?

How can he propose to you when he's still married?!
Even though his daughters are grown up, it would be weird to marry him when you've never even met him.
Just slow it all down.... you can decide to get married in a few years' time, if things work out.

Lol at this being your bar.

Respectfully, OP, that bar is so low it’s lying on the ground.

I want to say you deserve to be married to him and reap the rewards of all that brings you in the future. But I feel a pang for your children who would be in the middle of that mess.

I think you need to do more thinking .

Marriages aren’t just about love and romance, they are primarily a legal and financial contract.

Until he divorces you don’t know for sure what he will bring to the partnership. You currently have a house: is it owned? Mortgaged? Rented? If he comes with no capital would you really prioritise him over leaving your house etc to your own children?

Presumably his pension is part of the pot to be sorted in the divorce: can he support himself in retirement?

You don’t need marriage as a protection if you are not planning children, so what advantages does it bring over and above living together? And what disadvantages / liabilities?

Everyone is sure their love is for life, and hopefully , so it will be!

Contracts are the small print in case things go wrong and you need to know that your objectives can be supported.

Personally I would not marry once I had Dc unless my partner brought the same level of assets into the partnership.

Also… from the ‘romance’ pov , no.

Imagine a wedding at which your Dc are present but his won’t come.

It's selfishness that is the heart of all the problems here.
Nobody seems to be thinking first about what his daughters might feel about all this, and the woman who broke up their family
He's not a good bet anyway.
He's done it once (cheated and justified it) so is perfectly able to do it again. Not a good man to marry.

I have my own assets thank you here we go along the eastenders root again . I have my own business I am FAR from a gold digger

Sorry OP but we just know you'll be back on here a couple of years into the marriage whining about him.
Deep down you are only seeing and hearing what you want to, when it is glaring obvious to all on here that there is a host of lies from him but you are shutting your eyes and ears to. Good luck you might well need it in the future.

Do not get married. Protect your assets and business.