Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

[ZanySheep]

We have talked about marriage although bf is still going through his divorce. 3.5 years in, we live together with my kids (they call him step dad) he's met everyone on my side we are very very happy . His ex has said to him I will never be a part of their dd's lives (19&21yrs) still I have never met them because of this . They were living together when we met. They are still married going thru divorce. I have a feeling he will propose when divorce comes through.. my question is should I say yes if I've never met his girls ? I've met his parents , some friends. They live local he sees them every week , gives them money still . He's a brilliant dad . What are everyone's thoughts ?..

His daughters are 19 and 21 - if they had any interest in meeting you, it would have happened by now.
FWIW if I was them I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you either!

If that was the case why was he sofa surfing due to a lack of funds?

Bit of a drip feed! I suspect that the daughters have no desire to meet the woman who broke up their family, or who have upset their mother. You should respect that.

Speaking as someone whose father remarried when I was an adult, don't try and think of these adult children as anything remotely reassembling stepchildren. The relationship they may have with you will be very different to that of minor children living in your home. I bear my father's wife no ill will, but I barely know her.

Kids go to uni at 17 in Scotland.
So may just be true.

I mean this guy is such a great dad that he'd rather live in his mistress home with her kids where his children won't come and see him than live independently and have a close relationship with his kids.

If all other factors are right and you are happy, then why not? It's not essential to have any sort of relationship with his girls and if they've chosen it this way so far then it's likely they will continue like that. Even if he's not happy about it, so long as everyone is accepting of the situation I don't see the issue. There's really no need to push these blended family relationships on people if they don't want them. So long as he is free to spend time with his DDs without complaint from you, then long may it continue like this. It sounds easy and uncomplicated. Certainly easier than trying to force a relationship with two young women who resent you.

Problems will only arise when one person is dissatisfied with it and wants to insist on more. For example, if his girls get married, want their dad involved but don't include you. Some women would insist their husband makes a stand over something like that. Can't rest until they've been paraded around on his arm in front of his ex and both sides of the family and all their joint friends, as a matter of principle.

Whereas personally I think it's absolutely fine to not include a parent's new partner if it's likely to create an awkward atmosphere. They don't know you and don't want to, so why should they?

If you can choose to be absolutely fine with this, and go on with your life with their father quite happily not letting their opinions on it get to you, then everything will be fine.

Sorry but I think he does - quite a lot by the sounds of it.

He's not a brilliant dad OP. He's chosen you over his kids.

They're adults, they choose whether to have a relationship with their dad or not. You can't blame their mother.

There’s no way I’d want to spend the rest of my life with someone who had to get his dd to make up his bed for him. Wasn’t he embarrassed to tell you that? And why not the sofa? Or did he realise you’d feel more sorry for him on the floor? He’s a liar and a cocklodger who could have divorced and sold the marital home by now if he has any regard for you. Remember everything you know about him is from him. Keep the minimum in the joint account.

So the OP was the OW
He stayed living in the marital home for a year while knocking her off
He slept on the floor with his dd making up his bed
His DD were 15 and 17 but one had already dropped out of uni
He moved into the OP’s home with her 2 young kids
3.5 years on he’s still not divorced
Hes ahigh earner but couldn’t afford to rent
OP and him have a joint bank account despite him still being married
The two adult daughters want nothing to do with OP
Hes still paying mortgage fur natural hone
The ex wife is bitter and controls the dd
The OP is desperate to marry the lying cheat

What could possibly go wrong for these true love star crossed lovers?

I couldn't be bothered.

So his daughters wouldn't be at your wedding? You possibly will never be at theirs or see your husbands grand children or other life events. Sounds to messy.

Hmmm let's assume the daughter is 22 tomorrow... Born in March 2004. She could be younger, definitely not older...

OP and DP met over 3.5 years ago (so around September/October 2022, maybe earlier...)

... Meaning that the eldest DD would have been 18 years and 6 months (ish) at this time, so would have just finished Sixth Form that summer of 2022... so would be joining university around the time OP and her DP met.

So how did she drop out of university before you even met OP??

Because she couldn't have dropped out before she started around October 2022...

The oldest dropped out of university at 17, probably due to her shit show of a home life and being worried about her mum and sister.

You have a joint bank account with a married man, thats a marital asset.

If I had an affair, moved in with a random woman and her kids, failed to bother renting my own place for my children and barely saw them I wouldn’t consider myself a good dad as they are the actions of a crap dad.

At what stage of the affair didn’t he introduce the crazy and controlling wife narrative?

Op what evidence do you have that it’s the wife saying they can’t see you? My guess is they’re not having an inch of you and their mother
has stepped up and took the flack for it to save them having to come across rude and cause further upset between them and their dad. They don’t feel safe to be honest with him, probably because they worry he’ll abandon them again. It’s 100% what I’d do to protect my girls if they needed me to. They’re not interested, if they were you’d have met them. That says a lot of what they think of him and you. As for the proposal you sound well suited so go ahead.

He was shagging you whilst still married. What on earth made you think he was marriage material? Poor kids stuck in the middle of this.

That’s not as brilliant dad it’s a feeling-guilty one.

And the poor OPs young kids who had no choice in this lying cheat being moved into their home

When you say you live together, how does that work,? Your house, his house, renting?

I would never marry a man who put his new partner before his own kids.

If my DC hated my new partner/had never met him, then I’d be getting them to meet and working on their relationship before I even considered taking it to the next level.

How long were you together for before he moved in?

Why did you not meet them before he moved in with you?

It honestly sounds like he jumped from living with his ex, to living with you - in that case there’s no way I’d marry a man like that.

I dont think he'll willingly marry you without a lot of nagging amd manipulation on your part and his dc won't play happy families with you either.

He does have a close relationship with his kids by the sounds of things and sees them weekly. The OP has already said he couldn't afford to live independently and pay the mortgage on the ex-marital home. That would be a stretch for most people. He left is marriage to be with the OP so he's obviously not going to not live with her just to keep his kids happy, is he? If he was going to do that he may as well have stayed in his marriage, sleeping on the sofa.

You can judge all you like but affairs happen, people leave, marriages end, people get hurt, children get resentful. It happens.

He hasn't refused to have anything to do with his kids unless and until they accept the OP. He doesn't force them to come to a house where she and her children are. The OP hasn't insisted he introduce them. It sounds like they have found a compromise that works and are handling it as practically and sensitively as they can, under the circumstances, which is never easy.

None of this points to him not being a good dad. Good dads sometimes leave the mothers of their children, just as good mums sometimes choose to leave the fathers of theirs. Things sound very binary, straightfoward and black and white in your world. Unfortunately real life isn't quite like that.

Well if he’s still paying the mortgage, sees his daughters every week & is there at a drop of a hat for them , he is a good dad I agree .

It’s a shame things are so shit regarding Ex wife .
His daughters are adults but it sounds a messy situation .
What does he say himself about it ?, as in have his daughters expressed an interest in meeting you , or are team Mom & don’t want to have anything to do with you either Op ?

It makes zero sense. Straight from the Script.
I'd be insulted if a sleaze was trying to spin me such obvious lies so he could move into my property.

@Missj25 it's the man's fault that things are shit with his current wife, due to his choices he caused her trauma.

None of it adds up. But as they say no one falls in love quicker than a coclodger who needs a roof over his head

Ok so he may have lied to them a few times about where he was back then when he was with me but he hasn't lied about anything else . some comments are valid I maybe thought time was a healer maybe it's not that prob is nieve of me . My life isn't a mess nor is there any drama.. sorry to disappointed the people on her that want an eastenders show. Having read your comments I definitely will marry him one day .he did move into his parents for a while not just straight in with me . Me and my friend family have a great deal of respect for him. He wasn't happy in his relationship neither was she . I have a friend staying with her husband as she didn't want to lose half of the assets she has .. she has affairs oh is on hookup sites . Every couple is different . Some children are around constant arguing and that's not a life I wanted for my children hence why I got divorced . It happens . He is the love of my life I lost my best friend and dad within 2 days of eachother and I see things differently I want happiness we make eachother very happy . My parents did constantly bicker but stayed together if dad told me he had someone else I would have said if it makes you happpy them do it . U only get one life .