Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

[ZanySheep]

We have talked about marriage although bf is still going through his divorce. 3.5 years in, we live together with my kids (they call him step dad) he's met everyone on my side we are very very happy . His ex has said to him I will never be a part of their dd's lives (19&21yrs) still I have never met them because of this . They were living together when we met. They are still married going thru divorce. I have a feeling he will propose when divorce comes through.. my question is should I say yes if I've never met his girls ? I've met his parents , some friends. They live local he sees them every week , gives them money still . He's a brilliant dad . What are everyone's thoughts ?..

I wasn't suggesting you were. My point is that marriage could risk any assets you have not going to your own children if eg you die before him.

I think the opposite is the greater risk: that your assets and business support him in his post divorce state and he inherits or gets a divorce settlement from you rather than your own children .

The gold digger accusation is ridiculous since it’s clear from your posts that he can’t afford mortgage plus rent. (Not a criticism of him, most of us couldn’t)

Hi OP, here are some questions I would be asking myself in your situation:

Is the marriage part important enough to you to make inheritance more complicated for all your DCs? If you know this is the one until death, do you need the legal marriage?

How would you feel about never meeting his DCs? They may have strong feelings about you being the affair partner and hurting their mother, and may never come round. What impact could that have on you and DP?

If you get married, and his DC refuse to come, what would your DPs true feelings be about this?

I think you’re right, you need to meet them. They are both adults so should be able to deal with it.
I’d actually want to see how he interacts with his DDs too, giving them money alone is not being a great dad, is he involved in their lives?
On paper my FIL is “a great Dad” except my DH and SIL would say he requires a lot of improvement because he just has never prioritised them over his new partner and her kids and he just isn’t that interested.

Why is this the ethical barrier your worried about crossing?

You had no issue having an affair. You had zero issue him leaving his family home and kids to end up playing daddy to yours.

But marriage, something neither of you had any respect for in the first place is something you think you shouldn't do because of his kids.

They are adults. And they may never want to meet you your kids or have you involved in their life in any way.

So it ll be up to price charming to decide how that works for his level of involvement in their life.

My father had an affair in my late teens. I thought him and his OW were absolute pieces of shit. Had my parents not reconciled he would have been lucky to see me once a week and had he stayed with his mistress I would never have been in her company as long as I lived. If it meant not seeing him so be it and that had zero to do with my mother.

However my mother chose to reconcile and more than 20 years later I still randomly side eye my father and our relationship is definitely of the strength of my relationship with my mother. There is a level of respect that could never be regained.

The fact you use the word "bitter" to describe their mother after what you and he did highlights even if you do meet them it will likely never be a particularly smooth relationship and why should it be.

I think people who are well suited to one another should get married.

So far, this guy has proven himself to be a lying, cheating sack of shit who very cooly stepped into one household (with children already living there!) from another (leaving a trail of devastation). Really has made his bed for himself - except when he was 'sleeping on the floor' 😂😂😂

If you're prepared to legally and financially tie yourself to this specimen, then I'll wish you all the luck you'll need in the world

So you run your own business but thought it was a good idea to have a joint bank account with a married man - I’d change your accountant if they didn’t tell you what a huge mistake that is

He's an amazing dad apart from moving out obv he sees them regularly anything they need he will be there vet trips pickups car trouble you name it

I'm not whining just getting peoples opinions on the matter

My child died.

I see life differently too. I also think you should treat every moment like it could be your last. Not worry about small things. Appreciate the good you have.

That doesn't however mean I get to do harm to others because every day could be your last and its a pass for it.

But grief can do funny things to people and everyone has their own set of morals they can live with.

He won’t “automatically” get her estate. Presumably she’ll will it to whoever she wants to get it!

These young ladies aren't children and are loyal to their mum. Whatever way you look at it their father left their mum for you and regardless of however the mum feels now (you say she is bitter, maybe she just doesn't like you which she's entitled to feel),they will likely never welcome you with open arms. You will be lucky if they are polite at events where you can't avoid each other one day

If you want to marry this guy one day, you can't have everything let him have a relationship with his daughters separately to you if that's what they wish. In time they may appreciate you didn't destroy that

You should look into protecting you and your kids financially. Having a joint bank account with a married man is not a prudent financial move. Depending on your laws, that could be considered one of his marital assets.

Amazing dads do not cause their kids trauma because they put a new woman ahead of their kids. He may feel guilty, but his affair with you hurt them and upended their lives and he has to carry that weight of his choices.

@Simonjt "At what stage of the affair didn’t he introduce the crazy and controlling wife narrative?"

😆😆

Or the old chestnut, 'my wife doesn't understand me'.... 😀😀

he did move into his parents for a while not just straight in with me

As you have kids too I would assume he was living with his parents for at least a year before he moved in with you - so what was the reason you didn’t meet his kids then?

I can’t imagine moving in with a man before my kids had ever met him, knowing that it was going to become their second home.

Surely when you both decided to move in together you had the discussion about his kids - I’m wondering why he chose to move in with you even though he knew he kids were so uncomfortable with it - this does not sound like a good dad at all.

His daughters don’t want to meet you. You split up their family.

No-one falls in love as quickly as a man who needs somewhere to live. Even more so if it comes with a housekeeper and sex on tap.

This thread is so entertaining, isn't it? 😁

While I heartily agree with that maxim in general, I'm not sure it applies here. The OP's partner only needed somewhere else to live because he was in love with her.

I wonder if his accountant even knows about this 'joint account'?
Have you ever considered he might be hiding assets OP?

https://lowrylegal.co.uk/articles/divorce-separation/hiding-assets-during-divorce-in-the-uk/

Better than Eastenders some might say 😂

Oh @ZanySheep you sound kind of desperate in a way and it's really sad to read. You don't actually believe the very obvious lies deep down which is why you are questioning the situation. You don't sound like someone happy and in love. You sound like someone walking on tightrope not wanting to look down for fear of falling.

You know he has lied to them and deep down you know he has probably lied to you too but admitting that would undermine your view of him and the emotional investment you've made so that's too scary to think about.

It is completely irrelevant what regard your friends hold him in. They have no skin in the game and he's probably very good a putting on a front.

You know he didn't sleep on the floor for a year. Deep down you know that makes no sense at all. The question really is, how would you feel if you knew they were still sleeping together whilst your affair was going on? This is probably what his daughters would confirm and is possibly a reason as to why he's not keen to introduce you either.

This is not going to end well and certainly not in the way you think. If his daughters don't want to know you then that isn't going to get better over time. You will always be excluded from their family and that's going to increase your hurt over time, especially if they have weddings and children and he wants to spend time with his grandchildren. Him and his ex will be together for a lot of these events and you'll be on the outside looking in. Not a very nice place to be and certainly not the bedrock of a happy healthy relationship.

I would not tell you what to do but the best thing you can do is to stop lying to yourself. Your subconscious is screaming at you that this isn't good and you really need to listen and not put your head in the sand.

How can he be an amazing dad when he doesn’t even have a home that they can stay in?

I physically do more/as much for my nieces and nephews than he does for his kids.

Part of being a parent is having a home that your children can come to and call their second home.

It honestly sounds as though he was unhappy in his marriage and instead of separating and creating a home for him and his children, he found another naive woman to move in with and not have to worry about being single, being independent or being an equal parent.

Of course he can’t wait to marry you because he is someone that can’t be single.
In a few years time, he’ll be doing the exact same thing again.

Absolutely this!!

Marriage once you already have kids needs extra thought about inheritance, etc, it's not just about you.

About his daughters, well, it sounds like they may never want to meet you if you are the other woman, so that divide may well always exist. You need to picture a future where you aren't invited to their weddings, aren't allowed to meet the grandchildren, etc. This may make life difficult as the years go on.

But you two seem blinkered - it was seriously poor boundaries to have moved someone else's husbands in with your kids.