Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

[ZanySheep]

We have talked about marriage although bf is still going through his divorce. 3.5 years in, we live together with my kids (they call him step dad) he's met everyone on my side we are very very happy . His ex has said to him I will never be a part of their dd's lives (19&21yrs) still I have never met them because of this . They were living together when we met. They are still married going thru divorce. I have a feeling he will propose when divorce comes through.. my question is should I say yes if I've never met his girls ? I've met his parents , some friends. They live local he sees them every week , gives them money still . He's a brilliant dad . What are everyone's thoughts ?..

Who knows if that’s true as the OP has only heard one very biased side of the story - and let’s be honest most of what he’s told her according to her updates sounds like the usual married man’s script.

The daughters are adults - if they wanted to meet the OP then it’s their choice but so far they don’t appear interested.

I mean this is a man who claimed to sheep on the floor for a year and 3.5 years in still hasn’t managed to get divorced. Not sure I’d set too much by his version

I really hate women who had a role in destroying lives and has the fucking temerity to call the ex “bitter”. Have a word with yourself.

I can tell you now (I was the DD on that situation), they'll never want you to be in their lives. They'll probably soften when your dad moves onto the next woman after you (I did).

lol! As if it’s the wife (not ex) saying this and not the young women themselves who don’t want to meet the women who in their eyes broke up their parents marriage. Are you from the same school of ‘believe everything a man who’s had an affair with you and needs a place to live tells you’?

I could be completely wrong here but I will confess to not having read the full thread .
Is there a possibility he's living a double life?
I fing it odd his grown up daughters haven't wanted to meet you if only out of curiosity.
Three and a half years to get a divorce is unheard of now, .
Is he a lorry driver? Works on rigs,taxi driver. I'm sorry ,I dont think he's being 100% honest with you.
My neighbour lived a double life for over 30 years ,he died and had four kids with his mistress

@HeadDeskHeadDesk "There simply isn't a nice, painless way to leave someone who doesn't want it and never saw it coming. Regardless of the reason, it's always going to hurt."

If you know that what you are doing will hurt someone, and you do it anyway, you are intentionally hurting that person. Even though hurting that person is not your goal, you know it will happen if you act, and you act anyway, so you intend the result.
It isn't an accident, because it isn't a sudden surprise.

So can we cut out all the crap about "it wasn't done deliberately" as if that is a justification?
To maintain that he didn’t actually try to hurt his wife but was in a position where he had no choice, is a cruel, selfish, gutless, pathetic crock of shit.

I think it’s likely he doesn’t want them to meet because it might come out that he wasn’t sleeping on the floor for a year.

OP has let him move into her home with her young kids and yet he’s not pushing for a divorce and a financial agreement with his STBX. OP claims they have a joint account which is madness when he’s still married to someone else.

Call me cynical but I’m not sure this is the together forever love story OP thinks it is

I’m not sure I would want someone who could so easily compartmentalise his life as a role model for own DC. He seems to be very good at that.

Do you honestly believe that ?

And as dd made up his bed who exactly was his wife hiding it from? 🤷‍♀️

I really don’t understand your logic here. It’s not a loaded way of looking at it. The pain you caused his ex wife is no better or worse because you didn’t intend the affair hurt her. No one has affairs to deliberately hurt their partner. On the contrary they are being selfish and not thinking about the person they hurt.

but i see this is the logic you have used to protect yourself from the fact that you caused harm.

its like governments calling people who get killed in a war collateral damage.

So he filed for divorce two and a half years ago? His children are no longer dependents. Most divorces are done and dusted in about a year.

I agree, exactly my point in my post at 17.29

If you are married with children you do not allow yourself to fall in love with someone else. If you feel you might then you avoid that person like the plague. You imagine them at their worst etc. we are logical creatures who can control ourselves .

but if we do do it then we fess up and say I fell in love with someone else , that’s on me. And don’t spout the crap about having been unhappy in the relationship. Because if that was the case then you should have left

I am sorry OP but you can't have your cake and eat it.
You had an affair with him and split their family up, he wants to get married - red flags all over the place I am afraid.

@HeadDeskHeadDesk anyway I actually have to genuinely thank you as it has been interesting to me to hear the other woman’s thought process.

when my ex came home and out of the blue told me he was very unhappy and have never loved me … never mentioned this before funnily enough..and put all the blame on me.. I often wondered what the ow thought. How she justified it to herself.

His kids aren’t kids. It’s up to them if they want to meet you or not. I wouldn’t be interested in meeting the woman my dad had an affair with. Wouldn’t come to the wedding either.

If you have assets why on earth are you thinking of marrying again?

Not that he’s actually asked you. I suspect having gone through one divorce he will be wary of another.

Under no circumstances should you marry him without meeting his kids.

why has his ex got any control over who he dates and doesn’t date? On divorce, she (ex) should be history. Especially since all his kids are in their 20s, they can make their own mind up about you. They shouldn’t be dictated to by their mother if they should meet you or not.

is he paying his ex maintenance? On divorce it should be over if the kids left home now.

do not move him in until you have your ducks in order. If you drop dead, he can claim your house as his own and your money and savings goes to his ex and grown up daughters.

Since he’s lived with you for 3 years, he could claim maintenance off you even if he runs off with another woman.

no wonder he’s nice to you! Big dollar signs in his eyes.

Also, on divorce he should at the very least be making a new will that cuts out his ex spouse.

i wouldn’t ever date anyone poorer than me. If anything goes wrong, you could lose everything and he won’t be seen for dust.

His daughters probably don’t want to meet you because you and their dad had an affair and broke their family up. I doubt it’s their mums say so more they don’t want to.

I would not be getting involved with this man.

”how you find a man, is how you lose him”
”marrying the mistress creates a vacancy”
”once a cheater, always a cheater”

Of course his parents are happy you are putting him up, otherwise he, a grown man, is sleeping on their sofa 24/7 and eating them out of house and home.

how do you know once he’s back on his feet and got enough money for a home, he’s not running off with someone and asking you for half your home?

also, how long is he paying the mortgage on his exe’s home?

the whole thing puts you in a bad financial position.

Think I lost interest after the blasé admission of being 'the other woman'.....if only you and your kind knew the hurt that innocent kids, no matter their age, go through

And her young kids have been dragged through this random bloke being moved under their roof and calling himself their step father despite still not even getting divorced.

Exactly .
Life is far more complex than that .
Finally , someone else that realises everything isn’t just black or white 👌

Like you I was the other woman in my DH’s life. He left her and his DCs (they were around the same age as your partner’s are now) and married me. I have ‘met’ them at funerals, never at other times. We have nothing to do with each other and he has nothing to do with them either, it’s their loss as they are bitter and have allowed themselves to be influenced by their mother.
We have had 33 happy years together with no regrets whatsoever. Go for it and be very happy.