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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

482 replies

ZanySheep · 15/03/2026 08:07

We have talked about marriage although bf is still going through his divorce. 3.5 years in, we live together with my kids (they call him step dad) he's met everyone on my side we are very very happy . His ex has said to him I will never be a part of their dd's lives (19&21yrs) still I have never met them because of this . They were living together when we met. They are still married going thru divorce. I have a feeling he will propose when divorce comes through.. my question is should I say yes if I've never met his girls ? I've met his parents , some friends. They live local he sees them every week , gives them money still . He's a brilliant dad . What are everyone's thoughts ?..

OP posts:
throwawayimplantchat · 16/03/2026 12:13

Missj25 · 16/03/2026 12:05

He wasn’t her “ affair partner “ 🙄, when he moved in .
He’s her partner.
OP & her partner want to get married , so that does make him their step dad .
He can’t afford two homes , this has been said already .
He pays the mortgage for his daughters family home .

I just think people come on here with all this giving out & passing off lots of shitty remarks to people whose Situations they know nothing about .
It’s fucking mental !
She asked a question, “ Would you marry someone if you never met their daughters “ ?

Partner implies a shared life. When he moved in, he wasn’t her partner.

He was her boyfriend who is still married to someone else.

Now he’s still her boyfriend who is still married to someone else.

Moving a bloke into your child’s home when he has to leave his family home due to having an affair with you, because they can’t afford to rent somewhere of their own, is the epitome of putting a man before your kids. It’s so selfish.

They must have barely met him before he moved in. Jesus.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2026 12:15

She asked a question, “ Would you marry someone if you never met their daughters “ ?

and it’s been a fairly unanimous ‘no. Not when you already know he’s a liar, a cheat and a shit father.’

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 12:20

Never2many · 16/03/2026 08:50

While I am generally of the view that not all affairs are black and white, and that sometimes someone might leave their existing relationship to be with someone else, if you choose to have an affair, you are also choosing the responsibilities which go with that.

And those responsibilities include putting your children first, above the ex you decide to leave, and above the person you decide to leave them for.

If you’re unhappy you have the right to leave a relationship. But you do not have the right to trample over the innocent parties left behind. I.e. the children.

The children may be adults, but if they have chosen to not have anything to do with the woman their father left their mother for, and he is persisting on putting his happiness above theirs, that’s on him, not them.

Even if you’re genuinely unhappy in a relationship, you leave. If you bring someone else into the picture before that then you lose the right to claim unhappiness for your choices.

I don’t subscribe to the view that “once a cheat always a cheat,” but the truth is that if you do cheat, then you take on the responsibilities which go with that, and that includes losing your family if that’s the choices they’ve made.

You choose to leave your wife and children for another woman? Don’t be surprised when those children want nothing to do with that woman.

Nobody has the right to happiness at the expense of others.

If a man marries his mistress knowing his children will not accept her due to how they got together, that’s a clear indication he never loved them in the first place. If he did, he would give them time.

But this man hasn’t even bothered to try and divorce this woman he apparently was so unhappy with.

That tells you all you need to know about him.

I agree with most of that actually. But there are a few things I want to pick up on.

If you’re unhappy you have the right to leave a relationship. But you do not have the right to trample over the innocent parties left behind. I.e. the children.

Well that's easy to say and less easy to do, isn't it? How do you exercise your right to leave without automatically trampling on the children's feelings? Very, very few children of any age are going to be completely emotionally unaffected by your decision. Especially if the decision is not mutual and they have to witness the other parent deeply hurt and financially inconvenienced by your decision. Your kids are going to probably going to feel 'trampled,' no matter how sensitively and reasonably you think you've tried to handle the situation.

That's just the price you'll have to pay for daring to put yourself first. Parents aren't supposed to do that, ever. It's not what we told our children they could expect from us, is it? They expect parents to supply an unending stream of selflessness and martyrdom and no horrible shocks. Obviously, despite the promises we all make to our children and the things people tell themselves, parents do sometimes make selfish decisions, big or small, that affect or damage children all the time.

Sometimes they genuinely don't see it and other times they know very well what they are doing, but they do it anyway because they think their own feelings are too big to ignore. So they apply cognitive dissonance to make themselves feel better about what they are doing.

You choose to leave your wife and children for another woman? Don’t be surprised when those children want nothing to do with that woman.

Absolutely agree and have never tried to suggest otherwise. It sounds to me as if this man has completely taken that on board. He keeps a good relationship with his girls while accepting that they don't want his OW in their life. Will they be happy to continue like this if he says he's getting married? Maybe, maybe not. He'll have to factor that in before he makes his decision.

Nobody has the right to happiness at the expense of others.

Well that's patently untrue. We have no control over how other people will feel about the choices we make for ourselves, but it doesn't mean we don't have the right to make those choices.

We should consider how our choices will affect others whose happiness we feel at least partially responsible for, and weigh up how we should proceed based on that. And obviously that should never be more true than with our children. But with everybody else, including spouses, we have to be free to consider our own needs too. Otherwise we'd all be forever trapped in relationships, friendships or unhealthy family dynamics that are detrimental to our own happiness and wellbeing.

If we inadvertently hurt other people in the process of making ourselves happy, that's an awful shame but it's sometimes unavoidable. Anyone who has ever had to break someone's heart knows this. It doesn't mean we shouldn't be free to do it anyway.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 12:24

Tiddlywinks63 · 16/03/2026 10:37

That’s nothing to be proud of ffs!

I never said it was. I was merely demonstrating that 'once a cheat always a cheat' is frequently a load of old bollocks. I understand why women like to tell themselves and everyone else who will listen that it's the case. But it isn't the always the case.

Missj25 · 16/03/2026 12:48

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2026 12:12

I’ve brought him up better than that I hope.

As I said there is loads of different reasons people cheat .
Like my daughters friends dad that found himself married to a bully , if your son was in that situation & met someone else you may think differently, & I’m sure you wouldn’t think him a bad person .

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2026 12:57

Missj25 · 16/03/2026 12:48

As I said there is loads of different reasons people cheat .
Like my daughters friends dad that found himself married to a bully , if your son was in that situation & met someone else you may think differently, & I’m sure you wouldn’t think him a bad person .

His options aren’t just cheat or not cheat are they? The two decent available options are…

  1. he can leave the relationship and start one with the new person
  2. if he doesn’t want to do that because of kids and responsibilities, then he can stay in the relationship

but doing option 2 doesn’t mean he ‘has’ to have an affair does it?! That’s a choice. And imo a selfish one. No one ‘has’ to have sex. Put your kids first.

TwistedWonder · 16/03/2026 13:15

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2026 12:57

His options aren’t just cheat or not cheat are they? The two decent available options are…

  1. he can leave the relationship and start one with the new person
  2. if he doesn’t want to do that because of kids and responsibilities, then he can stay in the relationship

but doing option 2 doesn’t mean he ‘has’ to have an affair does it?! That’s a choice. And imo a selfish one. No one ‘has’ to have sex. Put your kids first.

Completely agree with you. We don’t pick and mix or morals depending on whether the person in the wrong is related to us or not.

If any friend or relative of mine was having an affair k would tell them (and have done) exactly what I thought of their behaviour.

I certainly would reserve judgement on their affair partner too.

Missj25 · 16/03/2026 13:24

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2026 12:57

His options aren’t just cheat or not cheat are they? The two decent available options are…

  1. he can leave the relationship and start one with the new person
  2. if he doesn’t want to do that because of kids and responsibilities, then he can stay in the relationship

but doing option 2 doesn’t mean he ‘has’ to have an affair does it?! That’s a choice. And imo a selfish one. No one ‘has’ to have sex. Put your kids first.

There you go with everything is black & white again !
It’s not .
If everyone made the right decisions all the time we’d be living in a perfect world .
It’s not fair to say “ Good people don’t have affairs “ as you have said .
Therefore that makes them a “ bad person “ .
We’re just going to go around in circles with this because our views are very different, & that’s fair enough too , each to their own 🤷🏻‍♀️

mrswomblesbusy · 16/03/2026 14:00

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 12:24

I never said it was. I was merely demonstrating that 'once a cheat always a cheat' is frequently a load of old bollocks. I understand why women like to tell themselves and everyone else who will listen that it's the case. But it isn't the always the case.

I would tend to agree with that broadly.

Some cheaters stick with their affair partner because they have seen the mess that their cheating made the first time and don't want to repeat that.

Others that have a child with the AP (who is often younger, single and wants a child/children) don't have the money or emotional strength to go through another divorce and support 2 families, especially when the 2nd family has young children who will need support for years.

Other cheaters find that as they get older their options for finding a "younger model" are reduced, especially if they have gone bald and 'paunchy'.
They may have disappointments with the reality of the relationship when compared with the previous fantasy of the affair, but don't have the opportunity to do anything about it.
So they decide to "settle". 🙂

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 15:01

mrswomblesbusy · 16/03/2026 14:00

I would tend to agree with that broadly.

Some cheaters stick with their affair partner because they have seen the mess that their cheating made the first time and don't want to repeat that.

Others that have a child with the AP (who is often younger, single and wants a child/children) don't have the money or emotional strength to go through another divorce and support 2 families, especially when the 2nd family has young children who will need support for years.

Other cheaters find that as they get older their options for finding a "younger model" are reduced, especially if they have gone bald and 'paunchy'.
They may have disappointments with the reality of the relationship when compared with the previous fantasy of the affair, but don't have the opportunity to do anything about it.
So they decide to "settle". 🙂

And others are with the love of their loves, living a peaceful, drama free and contented existence well into their old age, and none of the above applies. 🙂

In the same way that not everyone cheats in the same way or for the exact same reasons, not every cheater's new relationship is bound to end up miserable, or to involve more cheating on a loop, or to end eventually, or to be something they feel 'stuck with' because they are too proud to admit they blew their previous life up for someone who turned out to not be worth it.

Life is way more complex than that.

LadyDanburysHat · 16/03/2026 15:10

Westfacing · 15/03/2026 12:14

But he didn't leave did he, until he met you and had your home to go to, after a short stint with his parents.

Exactly this, didn't leave until he lined up the replacement. Just go ahead and marry him OP. Create a gap for the new mistress.

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 16/03/2026 15:34

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 15:01

And others are with the love of their loves, living a peaceful, drama free and contented existence well into their old age, and none of the above applies. 🙂

In the same way that not everyone cheats in the same way or for the exact same reasons, not every cheater's new relationship is bound to end up miserable, or to involve more cheating on a loop, or to end eventually, or to be something they feel 'stuck with' because they are too proud to admit they blew their previous life up for someone who turned out to not be worth it.

Life is way more complex than that.

Do you think that it can ever be truly peaceful though? Knowing the devastation that starting that relationship caused and the pain that was deliberately inflicted on others?

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 16:35

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 16/03/2026 15:34

Do you think that it can ever be truly peaceful though? Knowing the devastation that starting that relationship caused and the pain that was deliberately inflicted on others?

Yes. It's very peaceful. The pain wasn't deliberately inflicted. That's a very loaded way of describing it. We didn't have an affair as a way to hurt his wife. That would be deliberate. His wife got hurt, but that was a by-product of our actions, not the chief reason for doing it.

When we started the affair my husband could have chosen to lie and keep it quiet for ages. She'd possibly never have known and it might have run its course and ended.

As it was, our affair moved very, very quickly. We were already very good friends and I suppose with hindsight there had been an emotional affair brewing for quite some time before it suddenly became a physical one. So once it became technically 'an affair' that we couldn't be in denial about, we both knew straight away that it was going to be serious.

He chose to tell her almost immediately. So that did hurt her, obviously. But he did what he felt was the best thing to do under the circumstances, not drag it out and sneak around and lie for months on end. Once he knew he wanted to be with me and not her, he just got on with making it happen as quickly as possible.

Obviously anything could have happened and we could have split up a year later, but we didn't. 36 years together, three children, very happy thank you.

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 16/03/2026 16:42

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 16:35

Yes. It's very peaceful. The pain wasn't deliberately inflicted. That's a very loaded way of describing it. We didn't have an affair as a way to hurt his wife. That would be deliberate. His wife got hurt, but that was a by-product of our actions, not the chief reason for doing it.

When we started the affair my husband could have chosen to lie and keep it quiet for ages. She'd possibly never have known and it might have run its course and ended.

As it was, our affair moved very, very quickly. We were already very good friends and I suppose with hindsight there had been an emotional affair brewing for quite some time before it suddenly became a physical one. So once it became technically 'an affair' that we couldn't be in denial about, we both knew straight away that it was going to be serious.

He chose to tell her almost immediately. So that did hurt her, obviously. But he did what he felt was the best thing to do under the circumstances, not drag it out and sneak around and lie for months on end. Once he knew he wanted to be with me and not her, he just got on with making it happen as quickly as possible.

Obviously anything could have happened and we could have split up a year later, but we didn't. 36 years together, three children, very happy thank you.

You and your now partner made a series of deliberate choices that hurt someone. It was not accidental, it was a choice.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 17:19

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 16/03/2026 16:42

You and your now partner made a series of deliberate choices that hurt someone. It was not accidental, it was a choice.

I didn't say it was accidental. I said hurting her was not a deliberate action. And it wasn't. We could have had a brief affair, ended it, and she'd have been none the wiser. Our actions would have been deliberate but they wouldn't have caused her hurt if she hadn't known about them.

Him telling her he loved me and was leaving her was the reason she was hurt. Would she honestly have been any less hurt if we'd managed to resist having sex twice, until after he'd left her? It wouldn't have changed the reason he was leaving, would it?

In the perfect, straightforward world that some of you inhabit, where everything is very binary, you can leave your wife and remain completely decent and blameless, providing you didn't sleep with another person first. Even if acknowledging that you've developed feelings for that other person were THE only reason you were leaving your wife. That's technically not punishable.

So at the point you realise you want to have an affair with this other person, and you don't want to have to resist the urge, or lie about it, you can leave your wife and you haven't done a single thing wrong.

Yet the second you allow yourself to act on those feelings without leaving first, you become the devil incarnate. Even if you come clean about it almost immediately afterwards, it's no good. You are clearly just a liar and a cheat who can never be trusted in a relationship again.🤔

mrswomblesbusy · 16/03/2026 17:29

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 16/03/2026 16:42

You and your now partner made a series of deliberate choices that hurt someone. It was not accidental, it was a choice.

@HeadDeskHeadDesk "The pain wasn't deliberately inflicted. That's a very loaded way of describing it. We didn't have an affair as a way to hurt his wife. That would be deliberate. His wife got hurt, but that was a by-product of our actions, not the chief reason for doing it."

Do you honestly think that the betrayed party gives a rat's arse about whether it was deliberate or not ? The pain is the same.

Have a look at the Conflict in the Middle East board. The Israelis are trying to rid Gaza of a despotic regime with a homicidal intent against the Nation of Israel. Gazan civilians are (unfortunately) being killed in the process.
But when the IDF says "we don't aim to kill civilians they are collateral damage" there is an outcry.

So, IYO the wife's feelings were just "collateral damage" caused by two selfish people wanting what they wanted and are irrelevent?

Nice (sarcasm)

PensionMention · 16/03/2026 17:30

You may never meet his daughters, they may never accept you. So regardless of all the chatter of who said and did what that’s the reality. It’s your decision if you as an individual feel this is something you can live with.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 17:50

mrswomblesbusy · 16/03/2026 17:29

@HeadDeskHeadDesk "The pain wasn't deliberately inflicted. That's a very loaded way of describing it. We didn't have an affair as a way to hurt his wife. That would be deliberate. His wife got hurt, but that was a by-product of our actions, not the chief reason for doing it."

Do you honestly think that the betrayed party gives a rat's arse about whether it was deliberate or not ? The pain is the same.

Have a look at the Conflict in the Middle East board. The Israelis are trying to rid Gaza of a despotic regime with a homicidal intent against the Nation of Israel. Gazan civilians are (unfortunately) being killed in the process.
But when the IDF says "we don't aim to kill civilians they are collateral damage" there is an outcry.

So, IYO the wife's feelings were just "collateral damage" caused by two selfish people wanting what they wanted and are irrelevent?

Nice (sarcasm)

So what, exactly, do you suggest we should have done about it? I mean not caving in to the urge to have sex is obviously a given. We failed there. But what else? What then?

When someone's feelings change are they entitled to change their lives and leave their marriage or not? Or should they just stay where they are forever, knowing that they no longer want to be there? If that's what you think, then just say it.

But assuming you are a realist and you accept that people should be able to leave relationships they are no longer happy in, so long as they are not unfaithful first, what way do you recommend someone should set about removing themselves from their marriage in a way that leaves them blameless and above reproach and that guarantees their spouse won't get hurt? And how long should they take to get it over with? How soon is too soon, once that realisation hits that they love someone else and that feeling isn't going away?

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 16/03/2026 17:53

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 17:50

So what, exactly, do you suggest we should have done about it? I mean not caving in to the urge to have sex is obviously a given. We failed there. But what else? What then?

When someone's feelings change are they entitled to change their lives and leave their marriage or not? Or should they just stay where they are forever, knowing that they no longer want to be there? If that's what you think, then just say it.

But assuming you are a realist and you accept that people should be able to leave relationships they are no longer happy in, so long as they are not unfaithful first, what way do you recommend someone should set about removing themselves from their marriage in a way that leaves them blameless and above reproach and that guarantees their spouse won't get hurt? And how long should they take to get it over with? How soon is too soon, once that realisation hits that they love someone else and that feeling isn't going away?

Is suggest honesty as a baseline. If someone is capable of lying to the person they have promised to be faithful too forever, why would I trust that they would be honest about anything else?
Your actions, freely chosen, were the direct cause of another person's pain.
I'm glad it had worked out for you, but you can't deny the huge cost that someone else has paid.

mrswomblesbusy · 16/03/2026 18:05

When relationships break down people get hurt, and that is very sad. There is no way to avoid that.
Sometimes it's no-one's fault.

The better way to deal with it is to say that you're not happy any more/don't feel the same way about them/ etc. and you want to leave. Then leave and ask for a divorce.

Bringing another person into the mix is just rubbing someone's nose in it.
The hurt is incalculable, something a cheating spouse will never understand because they are selfish and have little empathy.

HereWeGo1234 · 16/03/2026 18:07

What right does his ex-wife have to dictate what their adult children do and who they see? I’ll be slightly concerned that he doesn’t man up to her and that his adult children don’t tell their mum that they are interested to meet you and be a part (however small) of their dads life.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 16/03/2026 18:09

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 16/03/2026 17:53

Is suggest honesty as a baseline. If someone is capable of lying to the person they have promised to be faithful too forever, why would I trust that they would be honest about anything else?
Your actions, freely chosen, were the direct cause of another person's pain.
I'm glad it had worked out for you, but you can't deny the huge cost that someone else has paid.

Is suggest honesty as a baseline. If someone is capable of lying to the person they have promised to be faithful too forever, why would I trust that they would be honest about anything else?

Well that's all very well but it does nothing to answer my question. Like I said, my husband was honest with his ex-wife pretty much immediately after he and I were physical for the first time. Did his honestly lessen her pain any? No, it didn't. Would it have been any easier for her if he'd said 'Look, I won't lie to you, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to not sleep with HeadDesk, I think I might love her, so I'm going to have to leave you. Sorry.'

That would have been completely honest, right? No lies, no cheating, so I'm sure she'd have found that so much less painful when he was ending the marriage just the same. 🙄

There simply isn't a nice, painless way to leave someone who doesn't want it and never saw it coming. Regardless of the reason, it's always going to hurt.

I'm glad it had worked out for you, but you can't deny the huge cost that someone else has paid.

And I have never once tried to.

mrswomblesbusy · 16/03/2026 18:10

HereWeGo1234 · 16/03/2026 18:07

What right does his ex-wife have to dictate what their adult children do and who they see? I’ll be slightly concerned that he doesn’t man up to her and that his adult children don’t tell their mum that they are interested to meet you and be a part (however small) of their dads life.

Well, she isn't his ex wife for a start. He hasn't decided to divorce her yet !
If she was, maybe this whole mess wouldn't be occurring.

Nevermind31 · 16/03/2026 18:11

i was the adult child in this situation and had absolutely no wish to meet the other woman, ever.
if really your IH and his ex had happily been trying to separate then ex would not be encouraging her children to not meet you, or for the divorce to be drawn out this long.
so by all means - accept the proposal, but don’t expect the daughters to be happy, wishing to meet you, or have anything to do with your children.
in their eyes you are the homewrecker., and getting married is not going to change that.

Bellyblueboy · 16/03/2026 18:22

HereWeGo1234 · 16/03/2026 18:07

What right does his ex-wife have to dictate what their adult children do and who they see? I’ll be slightly concerned that he doesn’t man up to her and that his adult children don’t tell their mum that they are interested to meet you and be a part (however small) of their dads life.

What a silly comment!

this man had an affair - cheated on his wife. While these women were teens. It is more likely that these now adult women have assessed the situation themselves and decided there don’t want to meet the woman who their dad cheated with.

they might come round in time / but to suggest their dad ‘mans up’ and demands his wife who he is in the process of divorcing force her adult daughters to meet the woman he cheated with is preposterous, and a bit sexist!