Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

[ZanySheep]

We have talked about marriage although bf is still going through his divorce. 3.5 years in, we live together with my kids (they call him step dad) he's met everyone on my side we are very very happy . His ex has said to him I will never be a part of their dd's lives (19&21yrs) still I have never met them because of this . They were living together when we met. They are still married going thru divorce. I have a feeling he will propose when divorce comes through.. my question is should I say yes if I've never met his girls ? I've met his parents , some friends. They live local he sees them every week , gives them money still . He's a brilliant dad . What are everyone's thoughts ?..

Look after your assets and financial wellbeing that's all I can say to you

His daughters are adults. Old enough to decide what they want.
They have chosen not to have a relationship with you.
They see you as the Other Woman, who was a large factor in breaking up their family.
you will never have a relationship with them, I would say.
up to you and him whether you want to marry. Just be wary. You likely won’t have an easy time ahead of you

For these types of men, the best way to deal with an unhappy marriage is always via another woman’s vagina.

Predictable as night following day

How soon after he first met your kids did he move in OP?

@ZanySheep

Why have you posted this thread? Genuinely?

Because you're adamant he's amazing despite the very clear evidence to the contrary and if that's the case marry him and don't look back. You don't need our support or validation.

But there's clearly a lot bothering you or your wouldn't have started this conversation. You need to be honest at least with yourself if no one else.

This has red flags all over it but I suspect the only way you'll really see them is when you're the one facing the consequences.

I am impressed you have the gall to ask on here.

Other woman, affair man installed in your kids lives, daughters were still teens when it all kicked off most likely.
You work it out!! Jesus. 🤷‍♀️

That what his wife thought on their wedding day

Leaving an unhappy marriage isn't a crime. Starting a new relationship before you have left....?

They're probably still bitter too. And probably will be for a long time. Maybe always.
I doubt it's the mother pulling the strings, they probably don't want to meet the woman who was instrumental in destroying their parents 20+ years marriage.

That's what you get for shagging someone else's husband

Marry him if you want, it's doesn't sound like marriage means much to you anyway though, so it's not like it matters.

Just be prepared him him to cheat on you too.

Oh and 3.5 years and he's living with you and your kids and calling him stepdad? Crazy.

Leaving is not a crime.
But he didn’t leave until he met you did he?

You say he was sleeping on the floor for a year - you don’t think it’s a bit odd that he stayed for so long and then left only after he met you?

If he was so unhappy why did he not leave ages ago?
Why does he need to jump from one relationship to the next?

Leaving an unhappy relationship is not a crime, it’s actually healthy.

But staying because you can’t look after yourself, then moving back in with mummy when the wife kicks you out and then with the new woman and pretending to play happy families whilst your own kids don’t even come to your new home and yet you have the new kids calling you step dad, is one of the shittiest things you can do.

You sound like a mug and you have the nerve to say he’s an amazing dad when you admit he’s living and planning to marry a woman he’s never even met.
Your friends and family will secretly dislike him.
Once he’s found someone new to move in you’ll find out how they really felt about him.

Oh bless you. 🤣

To be honest, I don't think it's always for the sex more the offer of comfortable money-saving accommodation

If you know you're going to be together until you die, why the hell are you bothering to ask us?

And approaching 50? You sound like a schoolgirl, quite honestly.

Oh and... Not a player? Bet his wife and kids disagree.

Hang on. It sounds like it's their choice not to involve themselves with the OP or visit her home and he is respecting that. How does that make him a bad person? Would you prefer that he forced them to go, or refused to see them at all until they agreed to spend weekends staying at her house?

They are young women, not children. They would have been around 16 to 18 when he moved out, they've gone to uni etc, started out on their own adult lives and relationships, so have probably never needed a room there. They've been of an age where it's perfectly possible to see their father when they like, then drive themselves home, instead of needing him to do 'childcare' every other weekend and the odd whole week in the holidays.

If things were different and they wanted to stay at the OP's then perhaps he'd ask the OP to make space somehow, but that isn't the case, so why would she?

Some of you simply refuse to see further than 'he had an affair, he left his wife, therefore he's a terrible man and an awful father and he's probably screwing around on the OP too.' It doesn't matter what you hear, you'll keep twisting things to enable you to arrive back at the same conclusion. Even though none of us know a single thing about the state of his marriage or what his ex was like to live with.

It's really up to you OP. Don't be making out you haven't met them because of his ex though, yes she might have said you will never be part of their lives though but these ladies are adults not children and if they wanted to meet you they would and could as their mum has no say in who they are around. They understandably don't want to meet you because of what their Dad and you did to your respective spouses, perhaps they never will.

I imagine his wife would disagree with the last part of your sentence 😂

It’s often said no one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a roof over his head.

Speaking from the daughters’ perspective here. I was 17 when my dad left my mum for the other woman he had been having an affair with. I refused to meet her. Did not want any sort of relationship at all with her. They split up about a year after he left my mum and I never met or spoke to her in that time. About three years later he met someone else and I have a really lovely relationship with her, they eventually got married and are very happy and I am always happy to see her, we meet up for visits and family meals regularly. But rightly or wrongly I never wanted to meet the woman who was part of the breakdown of my parents marriage. Yes I know my father was the culpable one but that’s how I felt. As I said, his now wife is lovely and I’m very happy she is part of our family. But I could never have forgiven the other woman.

I’ve been the daughter in this situation. My relationship was never repaired after he proposed to the woman without me having met her. I never went to the wedding and couldn’t bring myself to even look at her at his funeral.

I agree, it is not a crime and if the marriage was that unhappy, his daughters will have been aware of it.

However I do believe you need to meet them before considering marriage with this man. They presumably know about you and where their dad lives. They are grown up and I am surprised they haven't been interested so far.

I get he doesn't want to rock the boat but even he must see it is an odd situation after all this time. What is he afraid of, what's the worst that could happen if you met his adult children? There is the possibility that they don't want to meet you and have been fed a story about you.

Are you hoping to marry him or content with the status quo? Weigh it all up carefully and have very honest conversations about this. You have the right to know what is going on.

I hope it all turns out well for you but at the moment, it's really odd and you are all in 'nomansland'.

Good luck.

They would have still been in mandatory education when he left the family home.

Instead of moving out and getting his own place, he jumped from 1 woman to the next, knowing that his daughters would not want to come and visit and therefore choosing his new relationship and her kids over his own.

What if the mum met someone around the same time.
Would she have left her school aged children whilst she went and shacked up with a new family - who would look after the kids if both parents decided to go off with other people.

There is no way I would move in with a man and his kids, without taking the time and effort to introduce them to my kids and make sure my kids were comfortable with him first, knowing that my new home would also be their home too.

You obviously would choose a new relationship over your kids and so you are going to struggle to understand why this is wrong.

I'm a grown woman, with grown up children of my own, if my dad was to have an affair and leave my mum I would have no desire to meet her ever.
If he on the other hand decided that he was unhappy and wanted to leave, then met someone new, I would gladly welcome her into my family.

He's not a brilliant dad if his youngest was 15 or 16 when had had an affair with you
Their mother has every right to be "bitter", there's no timeline on that
Do you understand the carnage that your affair will have wrought?
As a mother yourself you should have had the maturity not to get involved

“Mjmum10 · Today 10:33
These young ladies aren't children and are loyal to their mum. Whatever way you look at it their father left their mum for you and regardless of however the mum feels now (you say she is bitter, maybe she just doesn't like you which she's entitled to feel),they will likely never welcome you with open arms. You will be lucky if they are polite at events where you can't avoid each other one day

If you want to marry this guy one day, you can't have everything let him have a relationship with his daughters separately to you if that's what they wish. In time they may appreciate you didn't destroy that”

@Mjmum10 has nailed it. This with bells on. I’ve got a couple of friends who have been the affair partner and who have become the new life partner - each of those relationships has now been going for 20+ years and they are very happy. These things do happen. But you can’t - and they didn’t - try to demand acceptance from adult children. His adult daughters are allowed to dislike you and withhold their seal of approval.

If you were willing to start an affair with him while he was still with his wife and kids then you should have no qualms about beginning a marriage where you are of no importance to them and where they have no desire to make pleasantries towards you. You didnt care too much about them at that time.

They are adults who probaby dont have any respect for you with good reason.

You reap what yow sow.

Remember what you and he do to others can also be done to you