Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

I think you're a bit too invested OP. People can invite whoever they want to their wedding. Full stop. Would you like to see your friend Emma? If yes, then let her stay at yours. Another full stop. Just crack on with it. You'll never understand what's in someone else's head so don't waste your time trying.

sorry if it’s been suggested.

i think he was always secretly in love with you, at some point he told his girlfriend when talking about their past and that’s why now she doesn’t like you, she still feels threatened.

I’m sure it was hurtful at the time but to still be upset about it now, 15 years later? Seriously?? You know Emma was only invited because she befriended the gf so it’s not like he’s picking one old friend over the other, he’s invited her because she’s friends with his gf. Definitely let her stay but definitely do NOT go as her guest, have some self-respect! That would look really desperate. If you think it’s going to upset you, Emma being there, can you arrange to go out with friends that night while she’s at the wedding, or go over to a friend’s house to distract you? Then in the morning you can catch up with her, she might tell you the wedding was deathly boring!

Some friendships are for life and some are for a short time. Let it go. See Emma and enjoy that. Then move on.

I’m not sure I like the sound of Emma tbh.

I think Emma should have had a bit more sensitivity when she knows that this has upset you.
I think it is ok to say that its best if she doesn't stay with you on this occasion.

He's very wet, he clearly didn't think the relationship worth continuing.
Blame him not the controlling girlfriend.
She's clearly very insecure about you for some reason.

It’s an awkward situation. I think it’s a bit off of Emma to ask to stay with you when she’s knows you’re upset about being invited.
I think I’d say ‘sorry but I decided I’d go away that weekend to distract myself about not being invited, let’s get together in another weekend’.

Im in a similar situation with an old male friend/ his DW doesn’t like me - it’s over something that happened over 30 years ago!! There was fault in both sides wrt our falling out and friend and I were not in touch for about 15 years - but we reconciled and it was fine. The wife still doesn’t like me and never comes to any of my celebrations (we invite her) but we (dh and I) are invited to his (and we go!).

Tbh it's Emma I'd be pissed off with putting you in an awks position.

Yes friendships fizzle then others can reconnect which is what has happened here but for Emma to ask to stay at yours is just totally insensitive and a bit thick. Just say sorry you have plans or you're away.

I haven’t read them all but the comments on this thread are nowhere near as bad as many others I’ve read! They seem fine…

Could you go away that weekend or just say you’re away?

That way you don't jeopardise your friendship with Emma. If she asks for a key to stay whilst you’re gone say you’re not comfortable with that.

And if Fraser ever gets divorced and tries to be friends again, tell him to fuck off.

It’s not about that, Emma has stayed before. But this occasion is hurtful Op and she is allowed to feel hurt.

I agree. People expect OP to be a robot with zero feelings.

Emma should have had the common sense to stay elsewhere.

So how should OP act towards a friend who ghosted her? He was a dick, it’s not sulky or snippy to call out a dick for being a dick.

You’re not unreasonable to be hurt and you’re not unreasonable to explain to Emma that you’re hurt too. I’d say I don’t want to hear about it as it’s really shitty of him to drop me because of his girlfriend.

This must feel like disloyalty and if my friend did that to another member of our gang I’d have to say something to them. Emma should speak up to him. And if she doesn’t want to do that (which is up to her) then she should not rub salt in your wounds by using your friendship to get a free room.

But to avoid drama, book a night away and then tell her you’re away that weekend now. It’s not a lie and you get to be out of town doing something nice for you!

But why is he a dick? I'm in touch with friends from 30yrs ago that others from the same group aren't. It isn't ghosting it's just some friendships continue, some don't.

I certainly wouldn't ask to stay at friend's house who wasn't now in touch with whomever's event I was attending.

It's just tactless.

So? That just proves he isn't your friend. And his girlfriend clearly doesn't like you

Did you and he once have a 'thing'? Or did you want one? Or does his girlfriend think you did?

Whatever - it's over. He's not very nice. But your friend is, so let her stay

Would you invite someone you were friends with years ago? Even though you have no relationship with them now?

He probably liked you/fancied you/wanted to sleep with you so once he got a girlfriend he moved on as wasn't an option anymore.
Something like that - I think that's often how it if with men.

This.

You're punishing Emma for something Fraser did. Underneath it all are you annoyed at Emma too? Do you think that Emma should take your side and boycott the wedding?

Are you more hurt by Fraser dropping you, or by Emma’s reinstatement? It was almost certainly that his fiancé saw you as a threat but that doesn’t change anything. I would just be honest with Emma and make plans to be away as there is no point making yourself feel worse. But you need to find a way to let this go OP.

It hurts at the time and for a bit after but years later most people would of moved on and accepted there is no longer a friendship

Fraser's girlfriend didn't like you, for whatever reason, I don't know. She might have thought you looked at her weird or saw your polite and friendly manner as fake friendliness, therefore deciding you must fancy Fraser.

Perhaps the girlfriend warmed to Emma and didn't see her as a threat. Emma in turn has inserted herself into Fraser's life, and tried her hardest to make friends (as such) with the girlfriend. It appears even for Emma, she has to make arrangements to see Fraser via his girlfriend. I don't agree with that, it seems rather controlling, but clearly Fraser can't mind or at least tolerates it, so he can continue a friendship with Emma.

You have no control over Fraser's choices and he's gone along with this, and is still prepared to marry his girlfriend. I have to assume his girlfriend means more to him, than the friendship he once enjoyed with you.

Of course, it's hurtful and very upsetting to be discarded like an old sock. I understand why you are upset. However, the reality is, Fraser isn't your friend any longer and you don't have a friendship.

You have two choices: allow Emma to stay, but keep out the way/go out whilst she gets ready and be in bed/out once she returns. Or you tell her that it's extremely upsetting that Fraser has discarded you, and seeing her getting ready for a wedding you aren't invited too, is too much.

Regardless of which option you choose, you need to let go of the hurt, and move on. You have to accept that Fraser has made a choice, that you have no control over.

I had a very similar issue. I wasn't invited to a wedding but all my friends were. I was more a friend after they all got together.
They were invited to a wedding near me and all my friends came to mine for a bit. It was lovely. I wasn't bitter about not going to the wedding and had a great time catching up with old friends.

I am considered an attractive woman yes. Didn’t mention this as it never goes down well on mumsnet or people get accused of being arrogant.

I was never attracted to him but it’s possible he was in reverse. Sad though because he was a close friend.