Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

It’s not like I’m sitting at home ruminating every night.

but him finally getting married and being excluded from the invites has brought these feelings up. I’m only human and I still miss my friend.

OP I understand your hurt but none of this is Emma's fault. She is still your friend so please rise above it and let her stay. Enjoy the time with her. If Fraser isnt allowed friendships with females then he is the issue for allowing someone else to push his friend's away.

Emma's your friend.
She's done nothing wrong.
Let her stay with you and have a nice time together when she's not at the wedding.

For some reason Fraser's girlfriend didn't take to you. Friendships change as life moves on. It happens to everyone in some shape or form. Don't dwell on it.

In which case, Fraser could have easily told his girlfriend that he liked you romantically but it never happened or she took one look at you and decided you are a threat to her relationship. Fraser may have decided that having someone who he had/has feelings for, still being in his life, especially as it wasn't reciprocated, is too much for him!!

Emma’s done nothing wrong? So she has absolutely no other choice but to rub OP’s nose in it by asking to stay over at hers? Okay.

Gosh how horrible, she’s staying with her friend not rubbing fhe ops nose in it.

how on earth do people cope day to day when they have this level of paranoia.

Emma's friendship with Fraser isn't real - she can only see him with the fiancée in tow and with her permission! If she hadn't sucked up, she'd be in exactly the same position as you.
I think it's to your credit that you didn't 'suck up'. If Fraser was truly your friend, he would have behaved better towards you. Even if that meant a change in how the friendship functioned or just a conversation explaining why he was pulling back. But he didn't and that's 100% on him.

That said, I totally get the 'look' you are referring to and whilst women aren't responsible for their men's behaviour, it's also true that once she decided you were out, there's nothing you could have done to maintain a real friendship at that point. It was all on Fraser to deal with.
I think this is the danger with a lot of male/female friendships. They often can't survive once a new partner is in the mix because humans cannot always share their dp's affections without feeling that it compromises their own relationship. Basically, you feel entitled to part of Fraser, but she is more important to him than you and he made his choice!

You aren't privy to what he's said about you privately to her, whether he told her he'd had a crush or felt that you had one on him. Maybe you just are very attractive and she feels threatened. Or there's a perception that you are too needy or want the kind of friendship that's more 'relationship'. You'll never really know. But it's natural to want to protect what is ours. She decided, for whatever reason, that you were a threat and that was that.
Anyone who has been on the receiving end of those up and down looks, knows how you felt.

Kindly meant but you do need to let this go now. He isn't your friend and honestly he isn't really Emma's friend either. Emma was tactless to ask to stay but if she's otherwise great, I'd let her as a one off. If she's more of the user type then say no (make an excuse).
But as hurtful as rejection is, by hanging on to the hurt, you are only damaging yourself.

The bottom line is no matter how much you valued the friendship HE chose to drop you. Very hurtful to experience but this is on him. All this BS about the woman giving you funny looks the couple of times you met. If you genuinely believe Fraser is so easily manipulated by this woman why the hell would you want to be friends with him. Let Emma stay with you if you value her friendship. All this blame on other women is a way of deflecting from poor behaviour by a grown man.

Emma's friendship with Fraser isn't real - she can only see him with the fiancée in tow and with her permission! If she hadn't sucked up, she'd be in exactly the same position as you.
I think it's to your credit that you didn't 'suck up'. If Fraser was truly your friend, he would have behaved better towards you. Even if that meant a change in how the friendship functioned or just a conversation explaining why he was pulling back. But he didn't and that's 100% on him

Totally agree, having been the OP in this scenario in the past, (male friend had crush on me, I didn't even know and he told his wife and I never saw him again) I suspect that Emma's friendship with him will be over soon anyway. I am not saying that out of unkindness but because I am familiar with this dynamic and eventually my ex friend's wife got rid of most of his friends. Of course the decision was ultimately his and I blame him rather than her but in my experience Emma doesnt have a solid friendship with Fraser if she had to twist herself into a pretzel to appease his wife. Her days are numbered too OP, mark my words.

Fraser is one of the many drips who drop their friends like hot potatoes when they get a new love interest. We don't know whether he told his girlfriend he may have fancied you in the past; he may have told her that you fancied him, if he was looking for a way to artificially create distance.

You might miss the friendship, but his actions don't exactly paint him as a prize catch here. You took him literally when he said you should meet up again after lunch when he was just saying something 'polite' without ever intending on following it up.

Sounds like it's time to move on, it's hurtful, yes, but try and contextualise it i.e., people come in to our lives for a reason, season, lifetime. You thought/hoped it would be lifetime, Fraser obviously didn't.

I do wish pp would stop using that mumsnet trope ‘you sound over invested’. Should we never post on here unless it’s life changing?

Of course the OP is invested, she’s hurt and one of her best friends is-intentionally or otherwise-severely taking the mick by asking to stay at her house. If she says no, she’ll be seen as petty, if she says yes, her nose gets even more rubbed in it.

It’s a no win situation and I feel sorry that Emma has put her in this situation. I like the idea of saying she’ll be away. Emma’s using her or is incredibly insensitive, thinking she can double up, seeing the OP while having somewhere to stay. Rude, imo.

Everyone involved is acting in their own best interests. As hurtful as it might be OP, I would draw a line under it all now.

If you really don't want to see Emma go to this wedding, then say so.

You don't owe her a bed for the night, anymore than she owes you some sensitivity around all this.

I do wish pp would stop using that mumsnet trope ‘you sound over invested’. Should we never post on here unless it’s life changing?

I agree, people are allowed to be upset at losing close lifelong friends. We arent robots FFS and this idea that noone is supposed to care about anyone or anything because God forbid we invest a single emotion in anything is unrealistic and pathetic.

If you are someone who loses a life long close friendship and views it with all the emotional gravitas as binning a used tissue then frankly, I suspect you probably werent a great loss anyway.

So the OP should go to the expense of booking a trip away to save Emma the cost of a Travelodge? Why?

Bloody hell, why not have OP buy the wedding present as well?

Agreed he is allowed to stop being friends and OP has rightly ignored him after that but she is allowed to feel bruised on an anonymous forum about him ghosting her. I don’t think that makes her ‘snippy and sulky’ as pp said.

I certainly wouldn't ask to stay at friend's house who wasn't now in touch with whomever's event I was attending.
It's just tactless.

Agreed.

I think Emma should have just sucked up the hotel on this occasion. It’s not fair. Maybe just tell her she can stay if she really wants to but you don’t want to hear about any of it. and try and be extremely busy that weekend….

Fraser is a sap and not worth your upset. Of course it’s ok to grieve a long friendship when a big event occurs, no matter what people say on here.

I’d be upset by this and think it is insensitive of your friend to ask to stay with you. I’d either say no or go away for the weekend and let her stay there without me.

I think some PPs are right, Emma’s days are likely numbered with Fraser as well. I would honestly not be surprised if she didn’t hear much if at all post wedding.

my friendship with Emma is likely to be the enduring one, we’re on 18 years now! I don’t want to hurt her but I also don’t want to hurt myself by having to put up with being left out and not able to share this moment with my feiends

So I need to think about it. I wish she had just said she’d stay in a hotel for a night to avoid this.

If Emma drops OP for not letting her stay over, she isn’t a good friend. She’s a leech.

I don’t think he’s a dick, and I don’t think Emmas’s a dick either — presumably she has no idea the PP is still smarting about this, if the friendship has been over for so long that the one-off lunch had been preceded by five years of no contact.

Come on now. Emma knows that OP is upset because they have talked about it.

It’s insensitive to ask to stay when she knows her friend is very upset at not being invited. Even worse to suggest she comes as her plus one.

What on earth is the paranoia thing about 🤣

Jesus!

OP, what do you think about the suggestion of telling Emma you’re not around that weekend so she can’t stay?

@nomas yes potentially. Just hate lying. It’s a summer wedding so quite possible I’d be away anyway.

Emma is happy enough to ask you for a bed even though she knows you’re sad about the lost friendship so you should have zero qualms about telling her you’re not around that weekend.

You need to put yourself first. Do you usually prioritise Emma’s feelings over yours?