Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

This is my thought too. Maybe Fraser has confessed that he had feelings for you in the past?

I think in not helping Emma you’d be cutting your nose off. She’s a good friend and irrespective of the drama with Fraser and his fiancée, I think you should help her out here. I’m guessing the fiancée deems you more threatening than Emma for whatever reason.

Honestly I'd have emma stay and have a good natter the next day about what happened at the wedding! Its weird when someone gets married that was once in your life and I often think "In another lifetime I would've been at that" but people change, relationships change and move on, people drift apart. I know you keep saying in this case you didn't drift apart, you were cut off, but he had his reasons for not maintaining the friendship, whatever they were. That sucks for you but it is what it is and after this much time it really wouldn't bother me personally.

How selfish and horrible. You want to punish your friend as you can’t go to the wedding, who does that.

This site is getting worse no wonder op hasn't come back the comments are awful. It used to be a supportive site. People now say whatever and hide behind a screen stuff they would never say to someone's face.

No one should suppport anyone to behave badly in real life.

Don’t friendships move on? We don’t all cling to threesomes do we? Two’s company etc. Fraser has a new era in his life and has changed as a person. Emma seems to fit in but your relationship has changed and his fiancé could be the driver in this. But it’s up to them really. Just host your friend and enjoy the friendships you now have.

So, basically Emma made an effort to befriend the GF, you didn’t, and you are now upset that Frasier doesn’t include you. In my experience, you either embrace the couple, or you get left behind. It’s exhausting keeping in contact with friends who have made it obvious they don’t like the partner.

How has op behaved badly?

god I think they would argue they've lost touch with you over the years are only inviting people they're friendly with now. Refusing to let Emma stay because you'd find it so disappointing makes you sound utterly batshit .

it's fine to be disappointed op but the room thing is nuts and If I was Emma I would think you were being spiteful .

It’s horrible to be dumped or ghosted by what you thought was a close friend. Happened to me many years ago, and took me a long time to get over. Somehow though, you have to accept that the blame lies with Fraser (no matter if his girlfriend didn’t like you, he could have pushed back on that and he didn’t).

It sounds to me like Fraser wants an easy life and isn’t that bothered about putting effort in with either you or Emma. The fact that Emma is now friends with his fiancé makes it easy for him- he sees Emma when his girlfriend arranges it, and I’m sure has a laugh and enjoys seeing her- but he wouldn’t have bothered to keep up his friendship with Emma if she hadn’t made this effort to make it easy for him by going through his fiancé. He sounds like a ‘good time’ friend to me. Nothing wrong with having a few of those, as long as you see them for who they are and don’t expect too much of them. (Does Emma think Fraser would be there for her if she had a real problem? He would not).

You obviously feel how you feel and shouldn’t feel bad about that. But I do think at some point you need to accept that Fraser was a friend at a certain time in your life, when you were all single and having fun, and whereas you might have thought he’d be a friend for life- that is just not how he saw it. That’s ok- doesn’t make him a terrible person, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you either, but I think putting the blame on his fiancé has complicated this; he’s a grown up and this decision is on him- he just really wasn’t that great a friend.

As to whether you let Emma stay or not- if it’s raking up all these feelings and making you feel awful then I think it’s fine to say no. But I’d honestly work longer term on getting to a place where these people no longer have this emotional impact on you- they won’t be giving you a single thought, and given it’s been 15 years I really would try and forget them.

You're just two people from his circle of friends? I don't think you can assume he isn't allowed female friends. This points to him having been in love with you, which is why Emma has been able to get in with the girlfriend and re-establish her friendship. Not very mature of your former friend and a bit gauche of Emma.

Emma hasn't come to visit OP. She wants to stay with her so she can attend the wedding. That seems incredibly insensitive. And Emma befriended the fiancé as a "means to an end". She created a false friendship so she could stay in touch with Fraser. Sounds quite manipulative.

If someone is in your town to meet up with other friends, not you, and expects to use your home as their free hotel, they are a CF.

You are not “punishing” them by not agreeing to their CF-ery. They are using you.

Can you not reach out to him and say how hurt you feel and that fact that Emma will probably stay with you makes it all the more hurtful. Ask why he stayed friends with just Emma?

So Emma tried a diplomatic approach that suited her. You chose not to, and that’s fine.

I think not letting Emma stay is pretty mean. It’s not her fault. She’s supposed to be your friend but you could end up pushing her away.

Just say no to Emma.

Whether other people on here think you should feel hurt or not is not the point. The point is that you do and you’re not obliged to dampen down your own feelings so your friend can save some money on a hotel room.

I don’t know why people have such problems setting boundaries for themselves these days. Just say no. It’s only difficult if you make it so.

If he treated you that horribly why would you want to go to his wedding .. you obviously dont like her either . Cant understand why you would want to go tbh , if he dropped you so easily after so much time being close then he isnt worth another thought

How many people find a partner and drop former friendships? It’s pretty normal. Life moves on. They presumably have friends coming to the wedding whom they both see! That’s the key isn’t it. Both of them embrace the friendship and the dynamics change. The op had to accept she’s not in the mix now.

maybe the marriage won’t last anyway. If she tried to cut him off from his friends unless they sucked up to her she sounds pretty horrible

Sounds like you were the one he was in love with and his fiance has put an end to the friendship. It is painful but also understandable from their point of view. You need to let the friendship go and don't lose your friendship with Emma by turning her down.

I see where you're coming from. I know on MN it's expected that if you have a friendship end that you're supposed to move on from it quickly and have no lasting negative feelings towards it. Ideally that would be good but people aren't robots.

I think there's a sadness there of what could have been. It's not like you had a falling out or drifted apart naturally.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. I'd think I'd probably just let your friend stay and try to deal with my feelings around it.

I’d say no. I think it’s bizarre of Emma to ask tbh.

Maybe so, but that's not Emma's fault 🤷‍♀️ you clearly don't like his GF, and the friendship has been over for some time.
I'm not sure why Emma, if she's still one of your close friends, couldn't stay with you. I understand you're hurt by Frasers actions but if Emma usually stays with you and is a close friend, talk to her about it, let her know how you feel and say she is welcome to stay but you'd rather not get involved in anything wedding related.
Is there a reason you haven't been able to move past this after all this time?

So what did you say when Emma asked to stay with you? If you've not answered yet, I’d say you are going away that weekend or have already got other family members/friends staying at yours. So you can keep out of it all. I understand why you’d be hurt op, and personally if I were Emma I would feel bad id been invited, and not you, and would’ve just maybe stayed in a hotel. It’s not her fault though, she’s just asking to stay as it’s what she’d do normally when attending an event in your town