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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

356 replies

ScullyD · 15/03/2026 00:59

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

OP posts:
EvangelineTheNightStar · 15/03/2026 07:43

Changename12 · 15/03/2026 07:00

I think generally people shouldn’t use their friend’s houses as hotels when they are meeting other friends. It is just bad form. If Emma wants to come and spend some time with you then maybe it is OK. If Emma just wants to spend time getting ready for the wedding and sleeping in after going to the wedding then it is not fine. She is just using you.

Also agree!

EvangelineTheNightStar · 15/03/2026 07:43

Changename12 · 15/03/2026 07:00

I think generally people shouldn’t use their friend’s houses as hotels when they are meeting other friends. It is just bad form. If Emma wants to come and spend some time with you then maybe it is OK. If Emma just wants to spend time getting ready for the wedding and sleeping in after going to the wedding then it is not fine. She is just using you.

Also agree!

Igiveyouthemoon · 15/03/2026 07:43

Give Emma key and go away for the weekend .you could even go to her house, do a house swap
You need to shift your mindset from victim mode OP it’s a long time ago. Time to move on from the dramas

This is exactly what I'd be doing- either this, or I'd plan a fabulous night out that evening with other friends so I had a reason to get dressed up, go out and have a fun distraction. Fuck Fraser and his stupid judgy wife.

HippityHoppityHay · 15/03/2026 07:44

Did you ever have a romantic connection to "Fraser"?
That's the only logical reason for you to be excluded while Emma is invited.
The fiance looking you up and down strongly suggests that.

Igiveyouthemoon · 15/03/2026 07:46

HippityHoppityHay · 15/03/2026 07:44

Did you ever have a romantic connection to "Fraser"?
That's the only logical reason for you to be excluded while Emma is invited.
The fiance looking you up and down strongly suggests that.

I was in a similar position to OP a few years ago. Platonic male friend had apparently had a crush on me, never told me, I saw him only as a mate so even if he had told me nothing would have happened. He told his future wife about it and BOOM never saw him again.

None of this was my fault, I didnt even know he had feelings for me but it ruined our friendship when his wife found out so its not necessarily the OP's "fault"

Womaninhouse17 · 15/03/2026 07:47

ScullyD · 15/03/2026 01:03

@TheTattooedLady hes only a former friend because he dropped me when he got a girlfriend then suddenly resumed talking to Emma but not me.

surely people must see how hurtful this is

But that's no reason to punish Emma by not letting her stay.

WhatNoRaisins · 15/03/2026 07:50

Emma isn't owed free accommodation. She can book a hotel if needed.

MsSquiz · 15/03/2026 07:50

I may have missed this, but is there a reason you chose not to befriend Fraser’s fiancée, like Emma has?

Dersie · 15/03/2026 07:50

Was there ever anything romantic or unrequited between you and frazer at any point to make frazers' fiance feel at all threatened?
Definitely let your friend stay, why lose a good friend for life over an occasion that'll be over in a day, it'll just makes you look bitter, and frazer and fiance do not sound worth that kind of energy.

Jellybean23 · 15/03/2026 07:50

You haven’t managed to befriend the girlfriend whereas Emma has. Fraser can hardly invite you if the bride doesn’t like you. Fifteen years ago he was a friend, now he’s someone you used to be friends with. Be a generous friend and let Emma stay. Otherwise you are punishing her for something she isn’t responsible for and your friendship with her will be damaged.

PhuckTrump · 15/03/2026 07:52

If I put myself in Emma’s shoes, I’m not inviting myself as an overnight guest to someone’s home, when that person has been excluded.

You’re not a B&B, OP.

TamarindCottage · 15/03/2026 07:52

Team OP. I think Emma lacks sensitivity and should not have asked to stay over on this occasion.

thanks2 · 15/03/2026 07:52

Life is short - if you don’t want Emma to stay just say so. I get why you are upset about losing the friendship - but since you are not close and you think his wife to be does not like you - it’s not a surprise you are not invited to the wedding.
But I think you might benefit from some help to process your feelings as they are still taking up headspace for you after all this time.

Motherofacertainage · 15/03/2026 07:53

You’re getting a hard time on here but I don’t think you will feel any better about this if Emma stays elsewhere. It’s hurtful but it’s not going to change so all you can do is to to change your attitude. How about you go out for the day? Give Emma your key so you don’t have to see her getting ready and then have a nice time doing something you enjoy. Then you can get all the gossip when Emma returns/ the next day. If she’s a decent friend she will at least have some criticisms of the dynamics/ decor/ speeches and there is always some drama on a wedding day! Emma knows how you feel so presumably not too happy with the bride herself?

rookiemere · 15/03/2026 07:56

If you don’t let Emma stay, then as Emma, I would say I understood but I wouldn’t really and would likely dial back on the friendship a bit.
I get where you’re coming from OP, but Emma isn’t the issue here.

TheBlueKoala · 15/03/2026 07:57

ScullyD · 15/03/2026 01:58

There is absolutely no way I would lose Emma’s friendship over this. Just a mental suggestion. She knows I’m hurt about this.

If Emma is a good friend she will understand if you tell her that it's too hurtful for you to have her staying with you for the wedding. If I were her I would have asked you how you were feeling about not being invited and I would have found accommodation on my own.

Ginburee · 15/03/2026 07:59

The bride has obviously taken against you for whatever reason. Why would you want to go to a wedding where you wouldn't be welcome?
Host Emma and let it drop- she probably feels caught in the middle.

JustSaying10 · 15/03/2026 08:00

Let Emma stay in your house but go home or visit a friend for weekend?

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/03/2026 08:02

But the person you're be 'punishing' is your friend.

Bikergran · 15/03/2026 08:03

ScullyD · 15/03/2026 01:03

@TheTattooedLady hes only a former friend because he dropped me when he got a girlfriend then suddenly resumed talking to Emma but not me.

surely people must see how hurtful this is

No, not hurtful, flattering. His fiancée obviously perceives you as attractive/a threat, and she doesn't see Emma like that. Whatever, friendships from 15 years back are rare. Invite Emma for a couple of nights, have fun, ignore the wedding, think of it as a stranger's. If Emma had contacted you to say she wanted to stay becsuse of you living near any other event she was attending, would you have agreed?

Theonebutnotonly · 15/03/2026 08:04

For whatever reason, justified or not, his fiancée doesn’t seem to like you. If she doesn’t want to invite you to her wedding, of course he’s going to want to please her rather than you. Emma is invited because of their current friendship, not their relationship or fifteen years ago.

None of that is Emma's fault so it would be mean not to let her stay. (It’s likely that he will chat briefly with Emma at the wedding and she may well tell him she’s staying with you, which could give him food for thought.)

tara66 · 15/03/2026 08:05

OP - just a thought - you could go along to wedding and pipe up when vicar says ''does anyone object to this marriage?'' - pipe up and say ''yes he's my friend actually'' - just try to see the darkly funny side of this situation. OR gate crash the whole thing with your friend saying loudly your invite got lost in the post obviously - that will teach them! Make a scene - even ruin the day!!

CraftySeal · 15/03/2026 08:06

It does sound hurtful. I think not being invited to the wedding is the definitive cue to start trying to put this behind you, and accept that you had some great and formative years of friendship with this guy but it's over now. People change, friendships (and relationships) end. He made his choice, whether it was influenced by his fiancé or not.

Since you and Emma are really close, I'd just be honest with her and tell her you're struggling with the idea of her staying with you for the wedding because you'll find it hard, but at the same time you don't want to punish her or put her out. See what she says, and talk it through together.

Roselily123 · 15/03/2026 08:06

thanks2 · 15/03/2026 07:52

Life is short - if you don’t want Emma to stay just say so. I get why you are upset about losing the friendship - but since you are not close and you think his wife to be does not like you - it’s not a surprise you are not invited to the wedding.
But I think you might benefit from some help to process your feelings as they are still taking up headspace for you after all this time.

I agree with totally.
This guy dropped you every time he had a gf…. The last 5 years he’s hardly seen you. This friendship, was never on solid ground and has run its course.
let it go.. maybe thinking about why you put up with it in the first place

Boomer55 · 15/03/2026 08:09

ScullyD · 15/03/2026 01:47

Well it was said it with a joking tone like you can’t be serious and we went on to have a nice lunch.

but I don’t know why people think I’m supposed to be fine with being dropped. People are putting it all on me to repair this friendship and to put up Emma and to be the reasonable one. I have feelings here.

To be honest, with all this ‘hurt feelings’ you sound like you have a bit of a crush on Fraser. Which maybe his fiancée picked up on, hence the reason she doesn’t like you.

Friends can come and ho through life. It’s normal. 🤷‍♀️