Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

It's not Emma's fault, though. Don't take it out on her, or you might lose another friend.

FWIW, if I were her, I wouldn't have asked you.

So I need to think about it. I wish she had just said she’d stay in a hotel for a night to avoid this.

Don't wait for her to offer. Just tell her! “Sorry Emma, I know it would save you some money to stay with me, but you know I was upset about being dropped by Fraser, so I’d rather not have any involvement with his wedding at all.”

A good friend would understand.

I think some PPs are right, Emma’s days are likely numbered with Fraser as well. I would honestly not be surprised if she didn’t hear much if at all post wedding

This is exactly what happened in my scenario. It started with me and then gradually, all other female friends and even some male friends were systematically faded out. When they have kids that will be the final nail in the contact coffin.

I would bet my mortgage that in a year or two, Emma wont be in contact with Fraser any more. Its really sad. I recently found out from a mutual friend that my ex male friend now has an alcohol problem and is actually quite unhappy. It's a real shame but there isnt really anything I can do as he was the one who cut me off.

I am glad you and Emma have each other!

You’re not being unreasonable but don’t punish your friend for your ex friend’s behaviour. Suggest she stays but you do something nice together too and make a long weekend of it. Also I’m sure there’ll be drama at the wedding so be there to soak up aaaall that tea.

It's just an idea, the timing might work.

😱🤣.....this made me laugh👍...headcase🤣

Timing wise it’s better OP says no that she has plans that weekend, so Emma can book a hotel for herself.

I think PP was right when she said Emma must feel caught in the middle.

If she has any sense, she'll leave the wedding reception early and come back and crack open a bottle of wine with OP, and tell her the food was crap and the bride was haggard, and the marriage will never last

What time with her? She’ll be at the bloody wedding!

I agree with this. She's being very dense if she thinks you'd be ok with this.

I'd feel the same as you OP.

You are choosing to be offended and punishing your friend because of that. You can’t complain about him treating a friend badly when you’re happy to treat your friend badly.

Emma would be an absolutely shit friend to do this. Who “dials back” on a friendship because they had to book a hotel for the night?

Just say, 'Something has come up' (i.e., I'm still hurt by all this and I'm soft launching you finding alternative accommodation), so it's not a lie, on a technicality ;)

Upsetting and difficult is a bit dramatic for someone kipping in your spare room. Either way, you’re not invited. Don’t take it out on your mate by not letting her stay with you, it’s hardly her fault.

I had a similar experience with a man I’d thought was a really good friend- since our teens we’d been close and had supported each other at difficult times. Then a new girlfriend took an instant dislike to me - actually rude when we were introduced - and began subtly cutting me out of his life, eg making frequent social plans with just the couples/single men in our wider friendship group, and continuing to be rude or blank me if we ever did met. In the end, I stopped trying to keep in touch.

He contacted me again a few years later, shortly after she left him, but it was too late. After blaming her in my head for a long time, I’d gradually come to the understanding that he hadn’t valued the friendship as much as me and definitely wasn’t the kind of loyal and reliable friend that I wanted in my life.

If Emma is a good friend to you, then be a good friend to her and let her stay. Don’t let your spineless, flaky, ex-mate cause problems in the rest of your life - he simply isn’t worth it!

Yes, that's actually the better solution

Emma is being very unfair asking this of you and you are really not unreasonable to be hurt. It's too big an ask and you can say no to anyone asking to stay with you let alone someone that's putting you in such a unpleasant position. How hurtful 💐

What’s your point? Emma hasn’t asked to stay for another event - she’s asked to stay for an event she knows is a sensitive issue for the OP. Whether OP would put her up for the night if she was going to a cousin’s wedding or a concert or the theatre isn’t relevant.

From the couples point of view, you and Fraser’s friendship is in the past, his and Emma’s is current. As you say, Emma has made the effort and you haven’t. So Emma will be a different category of friend to you hence why she has an invite and you haven’t. The three of you is in the past, he dropped you both but when he reached out Emma took one approach and you took another. That means that you and Emma diverged at that point and are no longer a unit, to the couple. I am not saying this to be harsh - I get why you are upset - but to point out that you think of you and Emma are equal in this hence it feeling more of a snub. Bit as you diverged you’re not and it’s fair enough the couple have invited friends and not acquaintances of only one member of the couple.

Don’t get Emma to ask them why they haven’t invited you. It puts her in the middle, makes this about you and why is clear already. Doing that would make you look like a liability at the wedding.

I would tell Emma you’re away that weekend or already have visitors or something and make an excuse not to have her. If you live near the venue actually being away might be a good idea.

It’d be worth trying to work through the upset and move this relationship idea of the three of you into the past.

But to consider not allowing your friend to stay over because you’re upset you’re not invited (when given the information you have it sounds reasonable you’re not invited). That’s just seems an unfair reason

OP, it's clear you're hurt by your friend phasing you out, and those feelings are valid.

Doesn't really matter whether posters on here with it would be OK with it, you're not.

Why not be honest with Emma? Tell her you're upset not to be invited, and because you live near the venue, you'll find it hard on the day, and have decided you're going to focus on doing something nice by yourself, maybe out of town.

What you actually then do is up to you.

No shame is being honest about what you're feeling. If more people did it, it might be quite liberating.

OP isn’t behaving badly though.

If she is staying overnight they can spend the following day catching up. The OP really needs to move on from this situation and focus on the fact she does still have a nice friend.

Why is it reasonable OP isn’t invited?

Do you mean because the B&G are allowed to invite whoever they want (which is true) ?

Or because you think OP did something that warrants her being ghosted by her friend?

Don’t you think it’s unfair on OP to have all this being brought back into her life when Emma could just take 2 minutes to book a hotel?

You used to be friends but aren't any more, your friend is still a friend.

Of course you welcome her to stay and stop being so churlish.