How many kids is too many???

[applesandbananas1]

More and more I see families have 3+ kids and it blows my mind… in this day and age I cannot fathom navigating parenting of more than 2 kids… it only gets harder as they grow up and I think loads fall into the trap of adding to their family while the older kids are still very young and the challenges of a 21st century childhood are less noticeable.

Re 21st century childhood… you can’t tell me that children nowadays arent faced with so many more challenges than even 20/30 years ago?! Phones, social media, both parents usually having to work - the list is probably longer. I think parenting kids who are 10/11 now in the next few years will be incredibly tough. I can’t imagine having several other kids to care for at the same time, and I don’t think people necessarily think of that when they are adding to them family in 1-2 year increments.

We have three, my limit would have been four before the load would have been uncomfortable. But I'm not going to assume my own limits are somebody else's.

Feel like you’ve picked a few things from my own post so just to say I very clearly stated those things for MY circumstances, I am in a senior leadership position and my DH works away M-F, no family close by, I’ve no doubt other families could give 3 children what we give our 2, but due to our own specific circumstances it was appropriate for our children for us to stay at 2 to give them the time and energy at our disposal.

My neighbour should have stopped at three. Her fourth was a surprise (how is that possible these days) and she really struggled. He is allergic to everything under the sun too. But her DH makes money and they had two nannies (a weekday and a weekend one) but she still felt overwhelmed. I have two and two teenage stepsons (one lived with us full time) and that was enough. But I know people who have had five or more.

Yeah, it’s ‘cope’, as they say.

People telling themselves that having 2 kids is more middle class, they have more money the those families over there with 3-4 kids who must be frazzled and hate their lives. We must feel sorry for these families, they probably can’t afford anything and whatnot.

People are constantly in competition here, it’s so annoying. And people act like 3 children is a large family anyway, just no.

Well some of the difficulties of having multiple kids might be beneficial. For example mine bicker which obviously wouldn’t happen with an only child. But I think it does them good to learn to deal with other people. Honestly if anything my eldest is the least willing to consider others needs as in the brief time she was an only child, she got used to having parents who “gave her everything” - and DC2 is only two years younger as well!

I mean, that is funny, because I am also in a senior leadership position, DH travels and no family nearby. We make it work and kids are thriving and happy 🤷🏼‍♀️

My comment wasn't really on you tbh, just met a few people who are very judgy, described as faux concern. Pisses me off! Just because you can't/don't want to do it, doesn't mean others can't.

My concerns are more based on how the world is evolving and parenting is different to what it used to be. I come across several people who have 3 or 4 kids because that’s what’s normal
in their family - but life is different now.

I have five children. Big families mean hard work and sacrifices. That said I have seen other families struggle with one or two children . There is no certainty. I don't think that the modern way of parenting - very heavy on extra curricular activities, goods , holidays , attention - is a guarantee of anything on the life satisfaction scale.
I love my family, I could have given more financially if I had stopped at two.
I adored my sisters . My children are close, they love each other. I hope they will always have each other alongside all the love, care and input I can give them ❤️

As long as you have considered the child and their needs in your equation - now and in the future, in unfortunate but common circumstances (divorce/illness) then it's personal choice.

The problem is that people don't. They consider what they 'want' as adults - they want another baby (not another child), they want to cement a new relationship, they want a carer for themselves or other children, they want to be needed, they want a reason not to return to working life.

I don't care about declining birth rates. At some point we have to push through the demographic bulge - we can't keep importing people/expanding the base - it will be my generation this will affect most and we'll just have to live smaller lives in retirement or continue working. We cannot have what our parents had - and why should we, our children won't have what we did.

Well everyone has to make the decision for themselves don’t they, I don’t know your life, when I said my circumstances I do mean our own personalities and temperaments also! I would have been stretched too thin between 3, between my marriage, my job, my hobbies, and my children (one of which turned out to have SEN) 3 would have been too much, my eldest 2 would have suffered as a result. That is a reflection of me, not you, you don’t need to infer that I am saying you are stretched too thin. You’re being extremely defensive for someone calling others embarrassing and claiming to be happy with your lot.

Well exactly- your 'concerns'. We don't need your concerns. It comes across as judgy AF. There are many benefits to having more than 1 or 2 kids: health and social...and we are heading toward a population crisis 🤡

Just because you don't have capacity/want to competently parent more than 2, doesn't mean others can't 👍

Depends on the parents and on the children. My parents were 1 of 13 and 1 of 5 and both had chaotic childhoods and did not get on with their families as adults. I would have liked to have 4. I waited a couple of years after my first and realised DC was very high needs so stuck to 1.

I have 5 daughters. My eldest is 22 and my youngest is 1 next week. Others are 5,9 and 15. I found things really different with my 22 year old growing up as phones etc weren’t as widespread in younger children. Kids in my 9 year olds class have social media etc now. I just wouldn’t allow it as my elder ones never had it at that age but seems the norm now! I parent 5 quite well I think but I have age gaps so this might help as they aren’t at each others throats lol 😂

That’s surprising; I’ve seen the opposite - more people having none or one. from an environment perspective i think more than 2 is too many

I don’t think there is “too many” it depends on the family.

For me though over 2 would be too much. I always thought about 3 but now I have 2 I just think a third would only take away from our family life and my existing children.

Absolutely echo what @DestinedToBeOutlived said. I have watched someone make really heavy lifting of her one (lovely and sweet natured) child, whilst another person with 6 (equally lovely and kind) children make parenting look enjoyable. It totally depends on a parent’s resources, be that time or money, as to what they can personally manage.

Additionally, some people value the tangible (more holidays, private education, bedroom space, multiple activities) over the intangible of additional sibling bonds and familial links. Then there are some who can achieve both. Not everyone places the same importance on the same aspects of parenting.

Who knows…maybe with the challenges (are there really more than previous generations?) of a 21st century childhood, a ‘large’ tribe of 3+ siblings is what a child needs…certainly would help on the socialisation front, given the focus on locked down play dates children face these days…

Don’t assume because you struggle to navigate more than two children this holds for everyone else. Everyone is different - some couldn’t fathom having any children, and some couldn’t understand anyone having less than four.

Your way isn’t better. Your choice isn’t better. You’re just different and that’s okay.

If you ever read the cost saving boards, it’s usually the parents of the three plus children trying to work out how they can squeeze soup out of a stone, or manage on 1 shower a week for a family of 5. The more children you have, the more it will impact on your time, family finances, the quality of food you can feed them, other resources, etc, etc. If something goes wrong (bereavement, job loss, divorce) it will heavily impact on the quality of life you can give your children. And in life, shit happens. Easier to manage life’s adversities with one or two than with a big brood.

I really dismay of anyone saying our children aren’t facing unprecedented challenges nowadays

Depends on the parents, I've got a friend with 5 kids who are perfectly well loved and cared for and all have multiple hobbies and seem to feel like they get plenty of attention from their parents. I have no idea how she does it but chapeau to her. Equally I've seen families unable to cope with a single child.

We have 2, I'd love a third, we have the time, money and space but DH is in his forties now and feels he's too old so we're sticking at 2.

One.

My fourth was a migrated coil. It happens. I don't have a nanny though.

It depends on where you are surely?
There have always been global issue which change through the generations.
Where I’m from was pretty war torn a generation ago and children now have a much more peaceful and prosperous life. While there are different challenges in many ways they also do have less challenges.

It’s dependent on situation isn’t it. We have 3, number 4 on the way and it’s brilliant but we have the finances and the space for them and a 7 seater car too.

my brother on the other hand has 1 and he can’t cope