AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

Your independence is currently at your sons expense. Is that really fair? Get some outside help and let him be just your son again. He may not resent you now but he will.

Let him start his life, he's done more than enough caring.

Stairlift
Downstairs Loo
Carers

I helped doing personal care for my Mum ( we're both female ) Ok you might only need his help getting to the toilet but will that change and you need more care?
Would his GF feel obliged to help if she moved in?

It is a huge demand , not just because he is male but he is entitled to live his life .

I can't imagine wanting my son to put his life on hold to care for me. I would rather see him make his own life and be happy. You have had your own life so far - let him have his. YABU.

@Tessy1965998

This is said with kindness, I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and will be starting chemo soon. I am single and my family live 150 miles away. Ive had to give up work already as I'm a foster carer and can't deal with challenging teenagers at this point.
I have a 21 year old son away at uni. We are very close, its always just been us two. Ive told him the best thing he can do for me at this point is to smash his degree so I can get dressed up in the autumn and see him graduate.
He will be home for the summer when I expect to be in the trenches of chemo. I'm sure he will do some 'caring' but I don't want this to be much more than making me copious mugs of tea, mow the lawn, hoover up after the cats, get some shopping in, and lift things I can't.
Your son sounds like an exceptional person who has spent a lot of time already caring for ill relatives. If his girlfriend moved in would she find herself getting landed with caring duties?
If you need help getting up and down stairs and using the toilet, then you are not independent. Would I want carers helping me to wash and use the toilet? No. But I absolutely don't want my son to be doing intimate care either - I can't imagine anything worse for either of us.
I get the loss of independence, I am bored and feel useless. I have wonderful friends and I hate having to rely so much on them.
But this is the hand we have been dealt.
I think you need to think long and hard about what your care needs are now, in the medium and longer term and where that care might come from. Do you have friends who could give some support ?

I haven't seen you say how old you are, but also think about your needs when you are 'old' and start planning, or do you expect that your son will be your carer then as well ?

The timing of your son's relationship is not great for you, but he isn't getting any younger either and he deserves the chance to build his own family. Its really not fair to think that he could start this new phase of his life by moving his girlfriend in with you.

He doesn't sound like he would abandon you. He can still care for you if he lives elsewhere.

Last year when my parents began to need a lot more help I was travelling up every week to clean and shop for them. With the best will in the world I just can't do this now, but I have nagged then into submission to having meal deliveries, a cleaner and a carer to wash and dress my mum in the morning.

I really do wish you well, I understand how hard it is but I do think your son needs to be able to live his life.

Your son sounds like he has had to parent you to an extent if he’s been your emotional support for many years. The kindest thing would be to free him from guilt and burden. It sounds like he’s met someone which would give him the chance for a less dependent life. A cancer diagnosis is heartbreaking and I feel for you but it also sounds like your son has been trapped by having you depend on him so much.

I am very sorry about your diagnosis.

OP, the relationship you describe with your son is enmeshment. You said your relationship with his father was toxic, and yet you are creating another unhealthy environment in which your son is in the centre of.

I almost feel like this is some kind of disturbing troll bait, because I cannot see how a grown woman would ever think it is okay to trap her grown son in order to have her own needs met, regardless of a cancer diagnosis.

It's not independence if you're dependent on your son though

I and my young adult children cared for my husband through stage 4 bowel cancer, until his peaceful death at home. So I do understand the kind of support that you're going to need, and empathise with how you're feeling. But at the same time, I read this...:

He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this. He keeps my spirits up and provides a lot of emotional support

.. And thought, 'poor guy'. What kind of a young adult life has he had, having to prop you up, while grieving his own losses of grandparents and his dad (presumably) moving out? And now he's expected to care for you as your illness progresses/your chemo takes its effects.

He sounds like an amazing person, but really, no-one should have to live their twenties that way. And he works full time, so I'm not sure how he's going to be able to continue doing that, as well as having a social life, while carrying for your increased needs.

You really need to start having some outside support, even if it's just for an hour or two a day, to get you used to it. And I'm afraid you have to give him his freedom.

I sometimes wonder what will happen to me should I get similarly ill. The experience would be very different from my husband's, as I live alone, whereas he had me and our 21 and 22 year old daughters at home. But that's the way it is. And I wouldn't want the DDs to go through that again. They need to work to pay their mortgages, and one of them has my grandchildren. It's just how things are, and if it happens, that's my problem.

Let him go.

Wow! How selfish can you get?!

How did you manage living alone when your Son was living abroad or were you still married then @Tessy1965998 ?

Nailed it.

I’m so sorry to hear this. If you don’t mind sharing, what did caring for him entail and what did you do to make it easier?

I think it's only natural to want his support and to prefer him to stay and care for you.
What is your prognosis, have you been given any indication in terms of how much time you have left etc?
It sounds like he loves you and if he is already taking good care of you, I don't see why he wouldn't continue with that - but he might not be able to continue doing everything himself, especially as your cancer progresses and you need more support. I would just stop to consider how it will impact him, both physically and mentally. Of course he will need professional help and having some support from external carers will give some relief to him and take the pressure off, and allow him to be there for you as a son - not just as your carer.
It sounds like you're scared. Have you had a chat with your son about how you're feeling? He may find it distressing looking after you and seeing you deteriorating, he may not feel able to care for you, or he may be happy to look after you and have absolutely no intention of moving in with his girlfriend just yet. You need to have an open and honest conversation with him but just talk to him. Don't just expect him to do it all - work together to make sure you can both manage, and looking after you doesn't become all consuming for him.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and your son sounds lovely.

can you try looking at it, that if you have carers in, then you'll probably start with once or twice a day. The thin is then youre more likely to stay independent in your own home, rather than moving elsewhere. It also gives you your son back, as a son first and foremost.

Having a carer in daily helps with anything you want them to help with, making a cup of tea, getting you on the loo or having a chat.

Have you applied for attendance allowance or PIP, depending on age?

Yes you are being unreasonable. I know its scary and you are understandably worried for the future, but you have time to organise and plan. There is other help available, other agencies and organisations - ask your son to help you to check what's available and to plan for your future.

So she can be roped into caring too? That will ruin their relationship.

Sorry about what you are going through, but you can't burden your son with putting his life on hold. In his 30s he's way overdue his independence and a shot at making his relationship work in a home they can unwind in and make their own. That doesn't mean he won't care for you at all, but that he will have a space he can retreat and be his normal 30 odd year old self.

At his age what was you doing? Was you able to start a family and make a home or was you a live in carer?

It is a big ask, by saying he is looking at carers options, he is kindly telling you he can't do as much as you expect. You say you have cared for him his whole life, well it sounds like his adulthood has been about helping you out and being your support system in place of a partner. Time to let him grow, you don't want him to end up lonely and having never had the chance to get a family if he wishes or build on a future. He won't love you any less from his own home, i get you are scared, but he sounds very caring and I'm sure he will step up as much as he can without damaging his life

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with.

Do you have any equipment to make using the toilet or getting up the stairs easier ? There are various pieces of equipment that would help, I wonder if you would benefit from an assessment from a OT or physio who work with people with a cancer diagnosis ? As well as equipment they might be able to help you manage any fatigue and keep your mobility. If you have a specialist nurse it might be worth asking if you could be referred.

Out of that whole post, you are only listening to the first sentence?? I am sorry you are so unwell but you are not really hearing twhat people are telling you.

You refuse carers because you want to be independent
But you are not independent at all - you are relying on your lovely and kind son who has already done more than anyone could have expected from him.

His girlfriend is also young and should not be moving in to your house. She will end up picking up the care when your son is not at home and that is NOT FAIR.

I cared for my lovely mum, who I was very close to, with dementia for nearly two years because she wouldn't let carers into the house. In the end, I was so angry and bitter that I just felt irritated with her all the time and resentful of what was being expected of me whilst also juggling children, work and a tricky marriage. I told her that she was having carers and that was that. And you know what? Our relationship flourished again, because I was seeing her as her 'daughter' and not as her 'carer'. I could go round, make her tea or bake something nice. Sit with her, talk to her, look at photos with her - be a mother and daughter because someone else was being paid to wash her and do all the work I had been doing.

It was the best thing that could have happened for us. Even my mum, in moments of lucidity, could see how much better it was.

In cultures where it's the norm for people to move in with and care for parents/inlaws, some are happy with the situation but some are very unhappy. It's not all rosy.

Your son ( or your boyfriend if this is a reverse) isn’t going to stop caring because he moves out. It’s not all or nothing he can still support as Îm sure he wants to while leading his own life. Chemo is frightening and lonely sometimes so I understand the op but regular paid carers can become like friends so get that support in asap.
Good luck and best wishes OP

I dont think this is the right place to ask that question poster. You'll get a lot of unsympathetic advice on here and you're probably quite vulnerable atm. People who arent really tuned into where you're at emotionally right now, and arent best placedcto offer advice tbh. So probably better to just duscuss it with your son and other support networks in your real life.

This is so sad to read @intme.
50 isn’t old, there’s time for you to build a life that you want. Wishing you all the best.

I have to take leave from work when he had his chemo. For starters he needed someone to take him for his chemo, sit with him, then drive him home, as he wasn't allowed to drive after an infusion. Also part of his chemo was medication that he took at home, and the protocol was quite complex. So part of our kitchen was like a pharmacy with a board with all the timings of meds and food intake etc. Then of course managing his side effects etc.

The chemo bought him some time, during which I went back to work, but eventually (and I'm not saying this will happen to you) the cancer started spreading again. At that point, when there was nothing more to be done, I had more leave from work, and we were provided with all the equipment etc to care for him. Carers came in twice a day to do his personal care, the district nurse or the Macmillan nurse visited daily and hospice at home volunteers would visit when they could, to give the girls and I a couple of hours of respite. But of course we still had to manage his toileting etc.

What I'm basically saying is that your son would have to give up work to care for you. And he's too young to be having to do that. I had to take two periods of three months each, to care for DH.

You need to talk to Macmillan and your medical team, to find out how your care needs can be managed during chemo and beyond, so that your son can still work and have a life outside your home, or leave home and start his own life.

I wish you well, and I hope that you're one of the fortunate ones for whom there's a better outlook. My neighbour was also diagnosed at stage 4, but has been cancer free for seven years now.

It’s very tough for you, I think you need to get use to having a carer visit.
My cousin was in a similar situation, he was a huge emotional support for his mother, she was ill, also being through divorce, needing help in the bathroom, he returned from travelling the world with his GF to live with her, his relationship broke down, his DM died he just stagnated, it’s been 10 years, he never had another serious relationship. It’s sad.

OP hasn’t said how old she is so AA may not be appropriate. It could be PIP. And higher rate isn't guaranteed, even with cancer. The award is decided on the level of impairment unless there is a terminal diagnosis of 12 months or less.