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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

371 replies

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 17:52

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 14/03/2026 20:14

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 20:07

Ideally, she would move in here. There is plenty of space. We are British, but also have a cultural background in which it is expected that children care for their parents. But I do want my son to be happy.

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with. A year ago, I was fully independent and working in a high paid role and now I spend most of my time in bed or the sofa. I want to retain my independence for as long as possible.

My question has been answered though, I’ll take some time to reflect. Thank you

But you're not independent anymore. So get the help needed to lift the burden from your son. He's done his bit with granny. His mental health needs thinking about.

MikeRafone · 14/03/2026 20:14

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with.

this is meant kindly, but your son helping you with your toileting is not staying independent. Doing personal things for your parents isn't always easy, and I couldn't do it. Maybe your son is struggling with some of this and wanting help. It doesn't mean you lose independence but you'll actually have someone there and also someone to talk to, break up the day whilst your ds is at work or working

boringperson123 · 14/03/2026 20:14

Arghhh I selected the wrong option, this is a reverse right

godmum56 · 14/03/2026 20:15

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 20:07

Ideally, she would move in here. There is plenty of space. We are British, but also have a cultural background in which it is expected that children care for their parents. But I do want my son to be happy.

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with. A year ago, I was fully independent and working in a high paid role and now I spend most of my time in bed or the sofa. I want to retain my independence for as long as possible.

My question has been answered though, I’ll take some time to reflect. Thank you

why does it make you less independent to have help from a paid carer than your son?

justasking111 · 14/03/2026 20:16

boringperson123 · 14/03/2026 20:14

Arghhh I selected the wrong option, this is a reverse right

Perhaps but does it matter? The OP is looking for support.

Laura95167 · 14/03/2026 20:16

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 20:07

Ideally, she would move in here. There is plenty of space. We are British, but also have a cultural background in which it is expected that children care for their parents. But I do want my son to be happy.

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with. A year ago, I was fully independent and working in a high paid role and now I spend most of my time in bed or the sofa. I want to retain my independence for as long as possible.

My question has been answered though, I’ll take some time to reflect. Thank you

Will as much kindness as possible it isnt independence if your son has to take you to the toilet. And he may struggle with helping his mum toilet.

I think you should think about handling any support he needs with grace. Because I imagine this is hard for him too, and he may genuinely be struggling and feel guilty as well as wanting to secure his future with his GF

beeautifullif3 · 14/03/2026 20:18

Yabu and you know it, plenty of people carry on working through chemo , look after themselves ect let your son have a life

Bufftailed · 14/03/2026 20:18

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 17:52

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

Pay for care. Is this a reverse thread?

justasking111 · 14/03/2026 20:18

Put in a downstairs loo. There's aids for getting up and down stairs as well.

MikeRafone · 14/03/2026 20:20

op I watched my dad struggle with the carer idea, the carer arriving and being really loud - oh I don't like her he said when she left. By the end of the week he thought she was the best thing and he looked forward to her daily visits. He also knew which days she was off work and when to expect someone else.

It's a big change to have a stranger help you dress or shower, o to the loo or empty a pan. It is though part of life and having someone else do this will be ok

YerMotherWasAHamster · 14/03/2026 20:22

If your son has to help you on the toilet you are not independent.
Your son is not an extension of you. He is not you. Him helping you is not you doing it independently.

Jellybunny56 · 14/03/2026 20:23

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 20:07

Ideally, she would move in here. There is plenty of space. We are British, but also have a cultural background in which it is expected that children care for their parents. But I do want my son to be happy.

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with. A year ago, I was fully independent and working in a high paid role and now I spend most of my time in bed or the sofa. I want to retain my independence for as long as possible.

My question has been answered though, I’ll take some time to reflect. Thank you

I don’t really understand this though OP, you need the help you need so the independence in that sense is gone. You need the help, someone else providing it rather than your son doesn’t make you less independent.

User122333 · 14/03/2026 20:27

Sorry to hear of your diagnosis. But it is very unfair of you to expect this level of care from your son.

Can you pay for stairlift, Japanese style toilet, other things that help you be independent as possible? He could help by organising installation, also look at carers, cleaners and similar.

But he needs you to
cut him loose to build an adult life for himself and GF.

BringBackTheLight · 14/03/2026 20:27

i'm sorry you're ill but your children should never be expected to be your, rock, your carer, your emotional support or someone that takes you to the toilet.
Of course you've looked after him all his life, that was your responsibility as his parent. It should not be the other way round.

OrigamiOwls · 14/03/2026 20:31

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 20:07

Ideally, she would move in here. There is plenty of space. We are British, but also have a cultural background in which it is expected that children care for their parents. But I do want my son to be happy.

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with. A year ago, I was fully independent and working in a high paid role and now I spend most of my time in bed or the sofa. I want to retain my independence for as long as possible.

My question has been answered though, I’ll take some time to reflect. Thank you

Unfortunately your independence should not come at the expense of your son's

Shinyandnew1 · 14/03/2026 20:31

No, YABU. He’s a grown man and it sounds like he has already done a lot of family caring. Moving out with his girlfriend is what he should be doing-unpressured by you.

Get some carers in that you like?

Catontheradiator · 14/03/2026 20:32

You are not independent if you are relying on your adult son for all your physical and emotional needs.

Greengagesnfennel · 14/03/2026 20:32

You are asking too much. Sorry.

It will be bad and horrible at first having a stranger in your home. I am sorry there is no way around it. Cancer sucks. Sending you hugs op. it will get more normal as you get used to it.

Your son loves you not any less because he doesn’t want to do this. Sometimes it can be through love that they don’t want to do it. He has been with you seeing his gran be ill and he knows what it does to your memories of someone. It takes time to remember the before illness. He loves you I’m sure - he is choosing something he knows will be the right decision for you and him given he works full time.

intme · 14/03/2026 20:33

my mum asked me to help care for my grandad, that turned into three years of my life, then a week after he died my nan got cancer and that was another 3 years of my life, my mum is now hinting that I will be caring for her as well and I have point blank told her I won't be, that I have done all the caring I will be doing in this life.

I am also my mums emotional support blanket and she expects me to help her through everything in her life. only child here and the guilt tripping is horrendous.

all I have ever felt in my entire life is guilt and obligation. I'm almost 50 now and have zero friends these days, my partner left, when mum goes I will have nobody else and have zero life to speak of because my life has always been about my mum having all her (endless) needs met. I genuinely wish I had never been born because its like I have been my mums mental and emotional carer all my life (she has no friends of her own because as she always said she only needs me in this life..) it's not normal and you should know that..

sorry you are ill but it isn't on your son to keep fixing your life.

Gloriia · 14/03/2026 20:33

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 20:07

Ideally, she would move in here. There is plenty of space. We are British, but also have a cultural background in which it is expected that children care for their parents. But I do want my son to be happy.

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with. A year ago, I was fully independent and working in a high paid role and now I spend most of my time in bed or the sofa. I want to retain my independence for as long as possible.

My question has been answered though, I’ll take some time to reflect. Thank you

It is great to value independence but that doesn't mean relying on your ds,of course he will no doubt assist with some things but should not be a main carer.
If stairs are likely to become a problem again then plan ahead and get a stairlift.
Good luck

Pinkbananaa · 14/03/2026 20:38

Your son shouldnt be caring for you on this level its unfair. You need to get carers in.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/03/2026 20:38

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 20:07

Ideally, she would move in here. There is plenty of space. We are British, but also have a cultural background in which it is expected that children care for their parents. But I do want my son to be happy.

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with. A year ago, I was fully independent and working in a high paid role and now I spend most of my time in bed or the sofa. I want to retain my independence for as long as possible.

My question has been answered though, I’ll take some time to reflect. Thank you

How is having your son help giving you more independence than having a pad carer help? The amount of hep required is surely the same, somebody who gets up the stairs with the help of their son isn’t more independent than someone who gets up the stairs with the help of a paid carer? Help is hep whoever does it!

tinyspiny · 14/03/2026 20:39

@Tessy1965998 get a stairlift put in at the very least , it sounds like it would be beneficial for you . Best wishes 💐

Holdmybeermoment · 14/03/2026 20:41

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 20:07

Ideally, she would move in here. There is plenty of space. We are British, but also have a cultural background in which it is expected that children care for their parents. But I do want my son to be happy.

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with. A year ago, I was fully independent and working in a high paid role and now I spend most of my time in bed or the sofa. I want to retain my independence for as long as possible.

My question has been answered though, I’ll take some time to reflect. Thank you

But you don’t have your independence. You have your son’s and you are holding it hostage. Get carers to help you with those things and let your son just be your son and not your carer.

AnImmenseDislikeOfPeople · 14/03/2026 20:46

My DM could be the OP. As a child of a highly dependent mother, please be considerate towards your son. They say you should give your children roots so they can grow their wings. You are stopping your DS from flying the nest for your own selfish reasons. I love my DM so much, but the issues she causes me are making me like her less and less. People will say to just let her crack on, but it's honestly like Stockholm Syndrome. I expect your son feels the same. My DM made her own traumas mine, and I bear the constant weight of responsibility towards her. I managed to move out, my DSis is still trapped. My DM conceded to me that she hopes she never moves out and, frankly, she puts constant obstacles in the way to prevent it ever happening. It's unfair. Don't make your son resent you.