AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

Agree, far too enmeshed! Cant expect him to be a constant and only pillar of support.
I have seen and experienced this, so draining and builds resentment

You will be entiltled to higher rate Attendance Allowance so put that towards your care.

If you’ve been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I’m assuming it’s serious and the prognosis is not great.

So I suppose your self-centredness is natural. But there is nothing in any of your posts about your adult son as a separate person. Nothing about him, or his wishes, or dreams, or life. It’s as if you regard your child as existing simply to serve your needs and desires.

sometimes mothers are too self-sacrificing and they need to give their own needs priority. You do need to do what you can to make the best of what life you have left.

But not to the extent of sucking everything out of your son’s life. Your posts are quite shocking in your lack of any consideration for your son.

I'm really sorry but your son shouldn't be forced to be "your rock". That's not fair on him and I would never want that for my kids. You've used your son as replacement for the network of support you should have built up over time yourself and that was unfair on him.

Sorry about your diagnosis op.

When the time comes if you need carers your GP or Macmillan will help. For now let your son live his life and do not pressure him in the slightest. The odd life to an opa or visits will be plenty.

Hopefully this perception is reality and it’s not that he’s just hiding how frazzled he is.

I would caution you from expecting this. Your illness could linger for years, or not. You potentially could be asking for a too-big commitment. You should find out your prognosis and how bad it's going to get. That way you both can male the right decision. My bff had stage 4 lung cancer and it's gutting to find out you have less time than you thought because you never asked.

@Tryagain26 absolutely!

You are being unreasonable. It’s not his job to look after you. Help maybe consider you yes but not put his life on hold. We don’t have children to expect them to care for us as we age or have illness. If they choose to do so that’s their choice you don’t want to give him a choice. It’s a guilt trip & in my opinion unfair. I only have one child but I would not expect her to care for me as I age. I certainly wouldn’t insist it’s her job to do so.

You’ve basically husbanded your son from a young age so that you never had to tackle adult life alone.

You say you want him to stay til chemo but that’s already been delayed and you have no way of knowing how long it will last as you don’t seemed to have engaged in the detail of your situation. I suspect even if he stayed for a year you would have another reason to want him to stay.

He has already gone beyond what most people would expect from an adult child. You have created the codependency your side so now you have to create the independence.

You say you have taken care of him his whole life as justification for your expectations but aside from the fact that as a parent who chose to have a child that was your literal job, you have leaned on him very heavily emotionally in a way that may not have always been appropriate, so in that sense he has returned any care you feel owed.

He sounds like a good, kind and caring man. Don’t try to derail his relationship with guilt. Take whatever support is available from outside agencies. Let your son live his life.

I say this as someone who has had chemo and a bleak prognosis and little familial support. I know it’s scary. I know it’s lonely. But you can’t keep your son tied to you to avoid those things.

I have 3 kids 2 of them sons and i can't imagine wanting them to put their own lives on hold to care for me.
He sounds like a lovely man but i bet he saw the reality when caring for his grandmother and probably does not want to do any more understandably.
I have empathy for you but you really are unreasonable to not want carers in, who does ?
Let your son live his life and give your blessing for him to do so.

Yeah, basically this. He needs to start living his adult life.

That’s the very last thing I would want for my son.

I'd want my DC to get on and enjoy their own lives. And yes I've often thought I might one day be in a similar position and have to deal with Ill health alone.

No parent would want their child to be their carer. Yes look in and help from time to time would be nice.

Our children are through us NOT of us - you are being so unreasonable I can't sum it up in polite words so I won't as I don't want to get warned or banned.

I was born to look after my mom in her old age. Oh I did just that. I have made darn sure my children won't be doing the same.

I read your post and all I could see was "I want......" It's not about you.

Yes you have cancer and your point is? You risk alienating his partner, and him. It is not his job to look after you.

Why the hell would you want him too! He is male, and some of things you will need just aren't for him to do

I agree with everyone else. Neither of my (divorced) parents would have dreamed of letting me be their carer, and that's the way it should be. When you choose to have a child of course you have to take care of them, but they didn't ask to be born and have their own lives to live, they aren't obliged to give up their best years to care for you.

My parents are dead, I have no children, no partner, and no siblings so if I were in your situation I would just have to get on with it as best as I could. Lots of people don't have family support - you still have a son who is not going to desert you, and he has offered to get you some help, you are fortunate.

I wish you well with your treatment.

Incredibly selfish thing to do.

Ideally, she would move in here. There is plenty of space. We are British, but also have a cultural background in which it is expected that children care for their parents. But I do want my son to be happy.

My reason for not wanting carers is because I really value my independence. I had issues with using the toilet on my own and can’t get up the stairs very well, which my son helps with. A year ago, I was fully independent and working in a high paid role and now I spend most of my time in bed or the sofa. I want to retain my independence for as long as possible.

My question has been answered though, I’ll take some time to reflect. Thank you

I’m sorry your sick OP however it’s not your adult sons job to care intImately for you. You need to pay carers to help you go to the toilet and to care for you as you need more support at home.

So sorry to hear that you are unwell @Tessy1965998

But kindly, your son certainly shouldn’t help you with going to the toilet, if that is what you are suggesting.

I understand that this must be a scary time. But it sounds like you are very dependant on your son for emotional.. and practical… support. You might not realise it, but that’s a huge pressure for him. I think you should research together some external support that you’d be comfortable. He’s your son, not your carer.

Wishing you all the very best with your treatment. ❤️

Do you expect your son to help you with the toilet

You know you are wrong

You've replaced your son as a partner and have put unrealistic and unreasonable expectations on him. He should be able to live his life. You dont raise your dc to then care for you. My dm is very demanding and selfish and expects us to drop everything for her, it's exhausting especially when we work.

I’m sorry but your son shouldn’t be expected to help you on and off the toilet.

Also his girlfriend shouldn’t have to move in with you. She and your son should live together alone as a couple to find themselves and make sure they are good.

He can still help you but stop being too proud for outside help considering you’re happy to let your adult son see you on the toilet.

You know you have done a good job as a parent when your DS wants to be independent and live his own life. You can't expect him to put his life on hold while you are unwell. Where does this leave him when the inevitable happens- no girlfriend, no home of his own and no life.