Lack of thought or am I being ungrateful?

[Wrongsideof50]

So DD age 13, asked what I would like for Mother’s Day, I suggested her (and her dad) making us an afternoon cream tea, fancy cakes, sandwiches sausage rolls strawberries type thing.. he took her to M&S and Sainsbury’s to buy stuff..I had already suggested, to both daughter and husband..them making nice sandwiches with bread or little fancy bread rolls with various fillings and cutting them small etc..just like you would get in a restaurant/cafe setting. Today whilst prepping lunch with DD she asked if had any cucumber, tomatoes to go with her lunch ..I said no we’ve run out but you’ve bought some for making Mother’s Day stuff so we can just use some from that …reply was oh no we didn’t get any cos we bought ready made sandwiches!!! Wtaf!! They bought a few sandwiches from M&S to cut up…I mean I get buying the sausage rolls and also cakes to cut up to save them baking but at least make the bloody sandwiches!!! .to say I’m disappointed is putting it mildly…zero effort, zero imagination, gutted 😞 is it too much to ask they put effort in and make it , it’s not like I’m asking for three course roast lunch it’s a few sandwiches! Am I being ungrateful and overreacting…not spoken to husband about it yet but have just been to shop and bought some rolls (and strawberries) so she can make some of it tomorrow! ☹️

You have bought rolls and strawberries!? You care more about the contents of your tea table than your young daughters feelings. Enjoy!

Wow! Be grateful you’ve got a daughter who wants to treat you!

I hear ya . YANBU to want home made sandwiches.
But it sounds like the wrong expectation from the wrong parent. Your DH would have had to be thinking like you and then able to motivate your DD.

Good lord - I thought it was only my parents generation that were like this on Mother’s Day and insisting on a big deal. Your family made a made an effort so appreciate it.

I think you are overreacting but equally I do understand it’s one day (and our birthdays) that is about us. We usually do so much and quite often us mums do out a lot of thought into Father’s Day and everyone else’s birthdays. This year I was working a 12hr shift if this was Father’s Day I would have celebrated it another day for hubby when he wasn’t working, I’ve already planned a day for his Father’s Day in June and booked the Saturday off to celebrate it that day instead of the Sunday. instead I got a card thrown at me on the Friday evening by the kids before they were off out to socialise with friends after school, and on the actual day it took till 1500hrs for any of them to text me happy Mother’s Day. But it is what it is. It’s my 40th in a couple weeks, hubby has asked me for months what I’d Iike and all I wanted was a ‘surprise’ it could have been a Yankee candle, chocolates anything which I told him, just said it would be nice not to organise my own birthday, something I didn’t know about because I organise all 7 of our children’s birthdays and all have a day of celebrations, Christ I surprised hubby with a holiday for his in November (and not even his 40th) worked my arse off but I had to choose so I picked a new kitchen sink and tap as I’ve been doing up our kitchen. I’ve just had to come to peace with some partners aren’t as thoughtful as some of us women, it’s not deliberate they are just sometimes programmed differently. So now I just be grateful for a card if I’m lucky and saves the disappointment 🤣 xx

Do you know what I opened on Sunday from my 7 year old? A tennis ball wrapped in brightly coloured paper and several homemade cards. I looked at her anxious little face, apologising to me that she ‘couldn’t make something nicer’. Did I sigh, did I sit on the internet moaning about how my partner could have taken her to buy something proper (though I did then also get chocolates and some Lego flowers - ‘so they wouldn’t die’), did I for a second let my child think I was disappointed? Of course not! I acted like it was the most special present I’d ever received and I let her know how happy I felt that she had taken the time to make something for me.

i grew up with a mother like you. All of us began to dread Mother’s Day, her birthday, Christmas… the anxiety creeping in every time we had to go shopping as I knew I wouldn’t be able to find something that she would actually like. We could all see through her very thinly disguised attempts to pretend she liked our gifts when her face constantly read ‘disappointed’.
All I can hope is that you are better at pretending than she was, because as a child it makes you feel like sh**.

I can't get over the fact your DD 13 remembered to ask you. I had to tell my DS 16 it was mother's day.

Honestly I think If you want a variety of fillings the sandwich platters are better value. You would have to buy a whole pack of ham and you may only make 1-2 sandwiches from it (4-8 quarters) I would have done the same.
ps my husband got breakfast, which turned out to be a lot of yellow labelled hot cross buns! There was no plan for lunch or dinner. In fact I don’t even think I got lunch after the carb loading at breakfast!
I was still grateful though!

Reminds me of Jamie Oliver’s wife taking home made treats to kids parties for her own children. Sometimes you just have to let go a bit and lighten up or you will suck all the joy out of life. One ready meal won’t kill you !

I've taught my children there is only one comment if someone hosts or prepares food for you.
They say 'delicious'
Any negative opinion on someone else's effort even if not to your taste is offensive and upsetting.
Your poor daughter. You sound very childlike.

I do understand your disappointment - I was talking about this to people at work. When women are doing the special day preparations we usually "make" things but on mother's day it's nearly always outsourced, - ready meals, meal out, takeaway, etc! There's a reason it's the busiest day of the year for the industry!

And I realise not all women do "make", nor should they, but if they don't there's never the same gratitude as we are expected to have from something store bought. A man buys a cake he's wonderful, a woman buys a cake she's lazy.

But I really wouldn't let it affect you, or especially your daughter. Talk to your husband that you'd like more effort next time and maybe elaborate on the same effort you put into others. I struggle so much with gift giving because the women in my family made it very obvious when they hated something even as a child.

As the saying goes 'if M&S do it, do it. If they don't, don't!' I would actually prefer a nice M&S platter. Lots of choice and nicely made. YABU.

I would have loved this instead of nothing

Your family put in some effort to do a nice thing and all you can do is bitch about the one little thing that isn’t up-to-scratch? Instead of seeing the glass half-full you are seeing the glass half empty. Why? Why can’t you just appreciate a nice thing even if it isn’t perfect? In this scenario homemade sandwiches vs M&S sandwiches is a preference, not a fault worthy of a online poll 😄

I don’t know if anyone has made you aware but not being able to regulate your emotions over some harmless sandwiches (to the point where you have to rant and run a vote online) is in keeping with having a personality disorder of one sort or another. For your families sake, you may want to look into that. You seem to have taken the buying of M&S sandwiches for an otherwise lovely afternoon tea, as indicative that your husband and daughter don’t care about you or are failures in some way? That’s an overreaction in anyone’s book.

You are clearly very hard work and what’s worse, despite hundreds of people saying you are hard work, you’re doubling down by talking about the few people who “get it” and still seeming to have zero self-awareness. Yeah, I hate to break this to you, but you know when people talk about narcissistic or toxic mums that they go No Contact with - you might just be one of those mums in a few years if you carry on this way.

I hope you can become a better wife and mum and don’t just go down the narcissistic injury route of dismissing anyone who doesn’t agree with you. This is a real opportunity for you to see your thinking and behaviour for what it is - out of proportion and harmful to your daughter.

As a rule of thumb, when someone does a nice thing for you, focus on the fact they did a nice thing for you and show a warm, grateful, happy face. What that ‘thing’ is or if they did it ‘right’ is irrelevant, especially when talking about gifts from children.

OP I get your disappointment, you had something in your mind what you would have liked and what has been organised is something different to that and not what you would chose.

there could have been a number of reasons why they choose homemade sandwiches over making you them but it doesn’t mean lack of effort or care.

I hope you had a nice Mother’s Day with your daughter because spending the time together is more important than what you are eating.

Such an over reaction! You wanted afternoon tea and you’re getting it. Also M&S sandwiches are delicious so don’t know what your issue is!

Mum of four, 33, 21, 17 and 13.

At 53, the fact that my children actually exist is Mother’s Day enough for me. Anything after that is a bonus. Their arms are the most precious jewel I will ever wear around my neck.
Don’t get me wrong…they can drive me round the twist sometimes bless em ;-) but I wouldn’t change them for the world (except maybe the boy smells 😬).
I don’t expect a single thing on Mother’s Day - everything they either do or produce on the day is a bonus. This year they have chosen thoughtful and sentimental precious gifts (no silly money spent!) and lovely cards with their own special words inside. The most perfect choices. My eldest daughter cooked tea with my help…we cooked together.

My youngest often makes a card and that means more than any sandwich or a Thomas Sabo/Pandora bracelet or whatever some people seem to “expect” these days. Paintings, models, bits of things they have made over the years are my favourite gifts of all. They have put thought into them just for me!!

As my children get older, and in fact right from them being born, the single most precious gift that I can get from any of my children is time. Just that. Time. That’s worth way more than whether a sandwich has been made by hand or purchased from M&S or anywhere. Before I get jumped on, love is unconditional, love is obvious. Love is not a gift, it’s a given - certainly in our home anyhow.

I gave them time when they were little and I still do now.

The hug is way more precious than the gift or even how that gift came about, surely?

Glass hasn’t even got a drip in it here, never mind half empty :-(

Completely agree. Cannot believe you went out and bought extra stuff so she could “do it properly”. You sound like such hard work.

That's the bit that got me too - kind of like "here, use these so you can do it properly."
Kid - "charming" 😓
Like hers wasn't good enough.
If I was her I'd feel inclined not to bother doing anything next year as it'd get picked/sniffed at.

My mum died when I was a child and I can’t have children. Mother’s Day is a day of sadness for me. I hope you were able to have a lovely day in the end, I would have very happily enjoyed ready made sandwiches if I had someone to share them with. Xx

I agree. How many posts were there on here from mothers who were disappointed that their teenage or adult children didn’t bother to do anything for them for Mother’s Day? This will be OP in a few years because her daughter has just given up trying to please her.

You asked for peoples opinions on here though but why did you? To justify how you feel or to get a realistic outlook on it?

Seems to justify your reaction to me because now your upset that people have a different opinion to what you wanted. Dont dictate what they do at least they are doinh something, if I was your daughter reading this then I wouldnt bother at all !

as a family we don’t eat ready meals, I make everything from scratch so hence my disappointment..anyone can make a decent sandwich and if you can’t even do that you need to work on your skills in my opinion.

As a family, we don't eat ready meals"
" I make everything from scratch"

She's not you. Sounds like whatever she does, if it's not up to your standards, it's not good enough.
I appreciate Mother's Day has been and gone now, but I hope you sat down with her, said thank you and both enjoyed the sandwiches that had been put on for you.

I didn’t get anything for Mother’s Day. I went to M&S and treated myself to a wrap and a big bouquet of flowers. I love an M&S sandwich, it’s the only sandwiches I eat

If you cook from scratch all the time and are really that anal then you should have expected homemade sausage rolls too !