AIBU to think our 18 year olds should work instead of wasting away weekends?

[Roxen]

First of all, I know they are 18 so I have no control over this, it’s more about the debate between DH and I.

DH and I have twins who are 18, in their last year of school, they are doing IB diploma so it’s quite intense, has a lot involved in it, exams start at the end of April and run through May.

We agreed to neither of them having part time jobs as between their studies and the extra things they have to do they wouldn’t have time. However this weekend I’m feeling quite annoyed about that, as neither of them are going to do anything remotely related to school.

Last night they went to a friends birthday party, got home at about 2am, they then along with DD sat up for the F1 sprint race. Went to sleep for a few hours woke back up for qualifying and went to sleep again afterwards. Now they have all gone to the pub where they will stay all day for the 6 nations matches. DD has said when she gets home she will watch the Indian wells tennis semi-finals, before going to sleep and waking up for the F1 tomorrow. They then all have tickets for a football game tomorrow, before going out for dinner with school friends.

I think this is a stupid amount of time to spend doing very little over a whole weekend, I don’t really enjoy watching sports but my kids do and I increasingly feel it takes up all of their time. DH thinks it’s fine, it’s culture and they can study another weekend. I think if they have the time to waste a weekend away in front of the TV, they have time to take on a part time job.

AIBU?

Ds1 & ds2 didn’t have part time jobs but they did do a lot of musical activities which involved evenings and weekends both through school and outwith. They both got reasonable grades, went to university and now have good jobs in their careers of choice.

Ds3’s musical activities were curtailed by Covid and he started working 15+ hours a week from the week before his 16th birthday. He had to get special permission to to start the training as he wasn’t 16 on the start date. He worked there for 2 years part time and more than a year full time enabling him to pay for driving lessons, a new car and goodness only knows how many new clothes and was able to save a significant amount before he moved on. He also got outstanding exam results! He also has a good job in his chosen field.

So, basically, I’m not sure if it makes any difference one way or the other unless they are bleeding you dry. It’s a shame they appear to be wasting their money but I suppose that’s their choice. We had no financial help to give ours except a free roof over their heads until they were ready to go. Yours sound as if they will be successful in the long term so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

It depends on where they live. If they are in an area where they can't get any work during the 3 months of summer then they probably won't be able to get a Saturday job either.

Not necessarily much easier. My DC didn't have a problem getting jobs during the holidays.they didn't work during term time.

Traditionally people don’t spend the weekend doing things related to their job/school but perhaps you should take up a second job over the weekends and set an example.

I'm afraid I'm in camp 'have a job'

Both mine have worked since age 14. Started in menial roles in hospitality, then waiting, cheffing, bar work, front of house. DD (20) was away doing A levels plus horse which she trained and competed alongside, so worked during holidays (cleaning, waitressing), got top A levels and now in uni with three jobs alongside and a CV as long as her arm (she commutes to uni). DS (18) less academic but learning a trade via college and employment but still working his casual job in evenings alongside.

It's perfectly doable (study and work) for those that want to 'do' and life is expensive. Their employability is hugely enhanced because they demonstrate a work ethic and commitment. Their social life is too...they can afford nights out, new clothes, to run their cars...I don't feel these are my responsibility so if they want them, down to them!

I assure you that’s not how the world works anymore. Maybe 70 years ago, but not now.

I personally think they should have jobs or at least have tried to get one. I think working an 8 hour shift on a Sat or a Sun would be enough to see the value of earning and how long it takes to make enough to buy a pint! At the same time it would still give them a full day off for relaxing and socialising. Because you decided this as a couple I don’t think you can really moan that they’ve had a bit of a jolly weekend, especially as it sounds like a bit of an anomaly. I definitely think it’s time to revisit the conversation as to when they’re expected to get jobs as assumedly you’re paying for all these excursions? You get to change your mind about something sometimes, especially when you’ve had time to see that the school work isn’t quite as intense as it might have seemed. I struggled to get my son into work and then he started not attending college anyway even though I had gone easy on him, needless to say it became an issue.

It is. I have interviewed dozens of candidates and having a PT job alongside good grades shows resilience and hard work. It also gives you a work reference. Am I missing something? How could showing you can be punctual and reliable alongside studying be a bad thing? No one is suggesting they work 20 hours a week or anything radical. 4 hours a week in your local takeaway or 8 hours in a supermarket shouldn’t be impacting studies massively if you’ve got time to go to the pub etc.

I don’t get this. Education isn’t a job. She thought they would be much busier than they are with their studies. It’s not unreasonable to think they should get a part time job. OP may have worked 40+ hours this week, no one at college / uni is attending 40+ hours. She also has likely (statistically)

done a lot of hours cleaning and cooking and driving these adults around.

My kids both went to grammar schools so a high achieving cohort. The schools were always telling parents that kids who do other activities in addition to school actually perform better than those who do nothing but study. That’s because most teenagers can’t study all the time and with no other structure in their lives they end up wasting time. If you’re a bit busier you’re more efficient and choose the social things you really want to do.

Really, because my kids also went to a gs and they showed them statistics of how kids working in the few months prior to exams dropped geades.

Whereas I'm sure going out on the piss till 2am does wonders for your grades...

I don’t understand all the “do you work on the weekend” comments. I’m in Australia where most year 11 and 12 students who want to do well do study on the weekends, as well as play sport, hang with friends, have a part time job. Most of the local cafes and take away spots are manned by them on the weekend. Far better to be busy and learn how to prioritise your time. Also important to understand the value of money early on.

Both my busy kids will be getting a job as soon as they are old enough.

Both of my daughters worked part time at 14 and my grand children are doing the same. It provides an income, life skills and work discipline. They need to get off their stars work. Are they also sponging off you whilst u provide all the basics like meals, washing , housework etc

How exactly did HR check their babysitting reference to verify this punctuality and reliability? I can produce 20 fake emails to support such references in under 20 minutes. And unless you are applying for a nursery setting I fail to see the relevance. Better to go out with a friend and work on your social skills as that seems to be the main handicap in today’s younger generation.

Sounds like a great weekend, although at this stage they should be starting A level revision.
it’s very hard to get jobs atm. My DS worked from 17 - start of year 13 -that was through word of mouth, he worked most Saturdays, but still went out etc. My DD didn’t work until uni summer holidays..
I think it’s important for DCs to have had some proper work experience prior to graduating to actually get a grad job, doesn’t matter what type of work.

What's an 'IB'?

The
International Baccalaureate (IB) is a global education foundation offering four rigorous academic programs (Primary Years, Middle Years, Diploma, and Career-related) for students aged 3 to 19 to foster critical thinking and global mindedness. Key usage examples include pursuing the two-year Diploma Program (DP) for university entrance, which assesses students through internal assessments, final exams (graded 1-7), and a "core" comprising Theory of Knowledge (TOK), the Extended Essay, and Creativity, Activity, Service (CAS). Synonyms and related terms include International Baccalaureate Organization (IBO), IB World Schools, and DP/MYP/PYP programs.
International Baccalaureate +4

I suppose it depends a bit on how much money you’re willing and able to give them.

Im a single parent and so gave dd a small amount of money and paid for basics but if she wanted extras she needed to earn the money. She worked from age 16yo in retail or cafes and it didn’t impact her studies at all, she’s off to uni in September.

I think it’s given her loads of important skills and confidence. She worked extra over the summer and has saved a decent amount of money which will help towards uni.

Have you not come across teenagers with part time jobs before?

Part-time work can be great experience, but it isn’t a moral requirement. Rest and social life aren’t laziness - they’re essential for healthy development. Expecting teenagers to either study or work every weekend leaves no space for balance.

I do agree with the 'better to have a job' attitude and also agree that additional activities juggled alongside study can only have a benefit to that study as long as the balance is right. HOWEVER this point in an IB course is absolutely not the time to be job hunting so I would leave be until exams are over and then encourage finding something over the holidays.

That said, as others have pointed out, it is really not easy for youngsters to get jobs at the moment. Yes of course there are jobs out there and plenty of them do manage to find work BUT the reality is that there are far more people wanting jobs than there are jobs available. Most teen or young adult DC I know who have managed to find an initial job, either prior to or during or immediately after uni, have only managed to do so because they know someone or their parents know someone who has been able to put in a good word for them and this has effectively got them the job. Once you have had a job then finding another is in theory easier but getting that first step is not always easy.

Plus you've got to bear in mind the personality and demeanour of the individual teen. We don't live in a world of equal opportunities and it's not just about work ethic and determination. If you are a shy, socially awkward, unconfident kind of young person you're fucked because the odds are rather stacked against you and jobs will go to the smiley, outgoing, confident, sociable ones - of which there are so very many and they are the ones who will inevitably come across better at interview and be more proactive and positive about the job. If you have any kind of SEN you're doubly fucked because the odds are massively stacked against you and the jobs will go to the smiley, outgoing, confident, sociable DC who will always always always come across better than the neurodiverse anxious socially awkward ones who need a bit more support.

So whilst I do agree that in an ideal world, teens should work, we don't live in an ideal world and it's not and never can be as easy as 'yes teens must work'.

As long as they are financing their own social lives then wouldn't bother me. If they aren't they should be getting part time jobs to pay for going to the pub like the rest of us!

Do you spend your weekends doing a second job on top of your main job?

Because that's the equivalent of what you're expecting them to do. They're studying five days a week and they have two days off. They didn't waste their weekend. They relaxed and had fun.That's not a waste of time.

Let people have some bloody joy in their lives ffs.

Where are these jobs today? Maybe if you're in a big city with lots of shops, restaurants, pubs, etc., but have you seen the state of the High Street in smaller cities, towns and rural areas? Have you gone through the soul destroying application process for corporates, supermarkets, chain restaurants, etc? The days are long gone when your little Tabatha can easily get a Saturday morning job at your local greengrocers or butchers - in most areas, they don't exist anymore!