VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

I’m sorry that happened to you. I guess you never know really… but I don’t have any other reasons to suspect an affair.

despite having a very busy and high chaos life sex is very important to him so he’s not missing out on that. Another thing which has been an issue in the past as I’m the one saying that a lot of couples with 3 young kids actually don’t have sex 5/6 times a week like he wants! But we’ve kind of settled into that now the little one is a bit older and sleeping better.

I wonder if we need a bit of relationship counselling as we’ve been married over a decade and maybe we are just slipping apart a bit. Does anyone have any positive experiences with marriage counselling ?

After reading that I change what I was saying I thought you where originally saying hes basically perfect apart from when he first comes in from work but if this is happening upto an hour later and also weekends when hes not working that changes everything and saying clean it up now is unacceptable. Lots of people struggle to regulate emotions me included (which is probably why I was originally sticking up for him) due to past trauma, Nd, mental illness, stress etc but that doesn't mean you have to accept that.

This. I think you are unreasonable. Give the bloke a break. He's been working all day ffs. He's only human. God some of.the women on MN. They want everything their way and dont give an inch to anybody else. FFS.

I said YABU and you are to say he is sometimes an amazing dad. He isn’t. He’s a horror. Don’t normalise this for your kids.

Thought the same

He sounds bloody horrible. My 3 year old runs straight up to his dad when he comes back from work and my DH is so happy to see him that he'll happily cuddle him and play with him. Especially as he's only seen him for probably 30 minutes in the morning and he's only got an hour or so until little one goes to bed. He loves spending that time with him. And that's after a long day of manual labour. Your husband is a selfish arsehole

I think you should think about his nutrition. Does he eat lunch? I'v noticed a lot of men don't eat well at lunchtime. Is he having enough protein? Really, check his diet first. Low blood sugar can make you snappy, impatient and sensitive. Even being dehydrated can really cause problems.

I’m so sorry he just sounds absolute awful. Have his cake and eat it. Sadly you’re enabling his behaviour by tiptoeing around him asking your children to do the same. I’m sure this is unknowingly. Just my perspective, Which obviously doesn’t mean it’s true

It’s such a shame because when life is easy like if we are on holiday for example he is a kind, loving and happy dad.

but the minute one thing is off kilter - he is tired, been working, one of them is sick, not sleeping, they are fighting, bad behaviour, too noisy /messy he just can’t deal with it

I feel he is not taking the rough with the smooth and I have to pick up the pieces/ compensate

No i work on my commutes (train) its quiet time to finish off the things I didn't get done or prepare for the day ahead

How about he checks his own bloody diet and takes some responsibility for himself. He’s a man, not a toddler, and OP isn’t his mother.

But he has the energy for sex 5/6 times a week??

My dad was lovely on holidays too. And christmas.
It was all the other days he was an abusive bastard. Shouting. Swearing. Beat my mother. We tiptoed around him.
If he was tired or upset or discommoded at all, we paid the price.
A disgrace of a human.
So hes lovely sometimes meana fuck all.

The OP is also working, and getting the kids to and out the door, to their activities, doing homework, making dinner, doing school pickup and drop off.

It's not unreasonable to expect that a parent won't come home everyday and have some.sort of outburst at his children? Nobody can expect to be happy go lucky everyday, and everyone has stressful and grumpy days but outbursts at your kids Everyday... thats extreme.

Just another example of the abuse.

Yep - big part of how he ‘de-stresses’
don’t get me started on that!

he doesn’t always get it that frequently mind you but that’s his preference

"Get it?"
Hes gross.
What are you going to do?
Also, no, not all 'dh' are like this.
Only the abusive ones.

Stop that. Let him get in. Let him take his shoes off etc, and sit down. Get the kids to make him a cup of tea and get him a biscuit or something while he does this.

@SockPlant mate you got confused. Her husband isn’t the toddler.

I will try and find a good time to speak to him about it and maybe broach the subject of counselling. Friends who have been married a long time recommend it to get ‘on the same page’

I think there is more chance of him taking me seriously if a professional is present!

I wouldn't call.amu of those things "off kilter" though... they are just life. With 3 kids, you basically run a mini hospital year-round, working - yep that happens 46+ weeks of the year, tired - yep that's parenting and working FT, fighting - typical sibling behaviour!

When he comes up his first reaction is ‘oh my god this place is a shit tip clean it up now I know what will happen you will leave it all til tomorrow

Seriously? Is all the cleaning up always down to you? Because he's the man with the big man job? Never mind him kicking off, I'd be furious if I'd dashed straight from work to pick up my kids, went home and was straight into playing, getting them bathed, making tea, and Mr Big Job who has a 40 minute commute where he doesn't have to speak to anyone, and can presumably listen to music or a podcast or soothing nature sounds, strolled in and was arsy because the house wasn't tidy and the kids were excited to see him. What a dick!

And he's still getting to have sex with you five or six times a week because it's 'important' to him? Bloody hell. He landed on his feet with you all right.

Get him a biscuit

😂 @Iloveluna Not the toddler either... Sounds like the dog if he needs a biscuit to be a good boy

The door slamming and swearing is abusive behaviour.
Not a nice man at all.

Recommend what?
Ive been married a long long time and my dh has never had to 'get it'. Shameful behaviour from your dh.
Ive been married a long time and we reared 3 kids and ran a business.
Not once and i mean not once did he swear at those kids in anger.
At 22 my youngest still hugs him when he comes in from work.

My father? The angry name calling swearing one?
Oh i went no contact with him a long long long time ago and thankfully now hes dead.
Think about what your kids are living with.

The more you post the worse he sounds. Maybe you need counselling to help you leave him. He is not a good dad or a good partner