AIBU re Mother’s Day

[ChangedUserName2026]

My DH has always been very close to his mum (my MIL). To be fair, I actually get on well with her.

However, today he casually announced that he’s invited his parents over for Mother’s Day and will be cooking her favourite meal and dessert to celebrate. He didn’t ask me beforehand, just informed me.

I can’t help feeling a bit put out. I’m his wife and the mother of his DC, so I’d have thought Mother’s Day might involve at least asking what I’d like to do, or doing something that I’d enjoy too.

Instead, it seems I’ll be hosting my PIL and eating my MIL’s favourite meal.

DH does have form for putting other people (especially MIL) before me, which probably doesn’t help with how this feels.

AIBU for being annoyed about this? Or am I being a bit of a precious princess? My friends think DH is being a bit of a d@ck and have validated my feelings, but curious what MN thinks.

I agree with this. My MIL is coming round and my DH will cook (although I’ll probably do dessert!). She is on her own and I have no issue with her coming round and having some family time with her son, me and the kids. And yes, he did just tell me he’d invited her but I don’t understand why there has to be so much drama over things, people need to chill out a bit and stop putting so much emphasis on set days because of marketing ploys!

Surely OP has spent enough time on mumsnet to appreciate her year round position and relationship than get so hung up on a day.

I would say I won't clear up because if mil is getting a meal I'm getting a rest. His choice to cook...

Really? Or does it set an example to the kids to still consider OP when they are grown?

Maybe OP should consider how she will feel in 20 years if her kids don’t include her in any plans on Mother’s Day.

She said in her Op that her husband puts other people before her -particularly her MIL

But we don’t know if that is an accurate reflection or if OP just wants things to be 100% about her. Her DH probably has another view. Surely including everybody is a good thing - again I’d reiterate my point about getting hung up on a day and it all being a marketing ploy!

So why not be direct with your husband? You are being very passive in this situation, no matter how you are at work. I don't understand why talking to him about it would cause strife as you said in another reply? Surely today is the right day to say "actually you need to change this plan a bit to take me into account, I want x for lunch please"? Why would that cause strife?

I suspect your update will be that you rolled over and your DH got his way, but you'll try to spin it as having been lovely and just what you wanted anyway.

Or she has a husband who prioritises his mum and then a son who prioritises the mum of his kids and she never gets put first.

You're being way too passive about this. I find with men it works well to set your expectations like you would a 5 year old.
"That's lovely that youre making X for lunch, I would like Y so please arrange to either make or have that delivered".

Or "it's mother's day tomorrow, please arrange xyz"

Im actually quite chill about mother's day but if celebrating is happening then in needs to strongly include me!

“That’s nice you’re cooking for us all, DH. Obviously I assume as it’s Mother’s Day you and the kids will be cleaning / tidying up afterwards and I’ll have a glass of wine with MIL? I’ll pop out in the morning for spa / swim / get my nails done and be back in time for lunch. Thank you, DH.”

I personally don't have a problem with it. She's his mum and he's celebrating her. He's not asked you to do any of the work. As long as he supports your kids to give you cards/make something for you/give a present or whatever else it is that let's them celebrate you then it's all good.

I've been informed this morning that OH has booked a family friendly restaurant tomorrow and invited his mum. Good. As he should. She's great and I am looking forward to seeing her and the kids will be chuffed.

Yanbu OP.
We teach people how to treat us, particularly in a marriage.
He should have asked and consulted.
That is SO basic in a marriage.
He has form for being stubborn and putting people before you?
And you have sadly tolerated it?

Well this is what it gets you.
Yanbu to be upset at his lack of basic manners and respect and this will continue in your marriage for as long as you tolerate it.
Your children will absorb it to and believe it is normal.

Don't let it spoil your day any more than it has.
Let him cook and 100% let him clean up.

When things calm down consider having a very frank chat with him.
If he dismisses you again and shuts you down, you may want to think long and hard about your marriage and if you want to be with someone with so little regard and respect for you.

Staying silent and submissive will get you nowhere in these matters.

Invariably it sours a marriage with resentment and you find yourself detaching.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, which makes his insensitivity even more galling, shoving his own mother on you for the day, nice and all as she is.

He could have been a lot more sensitive, respectful and inclusive by asking you about how you wanted the day to play out.

Don't ignore your rightful feelings on this matter.

We’re going to my PIL’s tomorrow to spend the day with my MIL, won’t be seeing my mum as she lives 2.5hrs away.

I couldn’t imagine being upset about tomorrow being at least in part about my partners mum. She’s 77 years old, it’s not like there’s an infinite amount of mother’s days left, it’s important it’s properly celebrated with her.

I just would never get into a “mum off” with her, and be upset that she’s getting a meal she likes. She’s an elderly woman who has raised 3 kids, she deserves a Mother’s Day as much as everyone else does. Probably more so.

If my son grows up and disregards me on Mother’s Day because he’s got his own kids, I’ll be really hurt by that.

Oh OP, I can understand totally why you're fed up. It's like it's HIS mother's Mother's Day, but not yours, you just happen to be there, which stinks. And his mum should really be making sure your day is celebrated just as much as hers - more so, given it's your house and your little ones are still little and living at home.

My situation isn't the same but it's a little similar, though of my own making. My lovely mum deserves to be celebrated and as my sister is away for the weekend until later in the day, we've invited my parents over for lunch. Eating out wasn't an option as everywhere was booked up, plus it's one hell of a cost for us all to go out (five of us, plus my parents) but of course, by hosting, it means I'm planning and food shopping today, then preparing and cooking tomorrow, and it's also my Mother's Day. I find every year, I prioritise my mum and so my Mother's Day tends to be a fleeting moment in the morning.

I think I'm just a bit fed up as while DH and the kids will celebrate with me, it doesn't ever feel like I don't get to take my feet off the gas as we host. We also host for every other occasion, which has been easiest as we have the kids and the bigger kitchen, but it's a lot that its always here (and us paying, prepping, topping up drinks, serving food and then cleaning afterwards while everyone else heads home to relax).

I'm also a bit grumpy as I'm under a lot of pressure at work and having to work 6 or 7 days each week, and there's no bloody let up - in fact, I type this as I'm working now, on a sunny Saturday. Mum and Dad retired 10 years ago, quite rightly, and they don't remember how hard the work/kids juggle is, but does like to remind me regularly how I need to 'slow down'... while never offering to feed/host/entertain. Good job I love them!

Is your MIL quite shrewd and on your side generally? Just wondering if she is likely to outright ask him what he/the kids got you for MD?

I'm sorry to hear this.
Maybe next year just get your mum a card and a small gift or flowers and give her them the day before? 💐
And then on the actual day your husband and children can prioritise you 🫂

Yes I know. So true. One day I will have 4 kids fighting over me on MD hopefully ✨

You could surely get a takeaway -why do you need to spend your only day off prepping food and clearing up?

Or you could go out the week before for a meal the week before or the week after when it's not so expensive

Hosting every occasion, prepping, paying, hosting and cleaning up all of it every time is a mugs game.
Good family's don't do that.
You need to put your foot down.

RTFT

OP is not upset at her DH for honoring his mum on MD.

She is upset that her DH has not considered her AT ALL, didn't even check with her before inviting his DP, and when she called him out on it he shrugged his shoulders!

This family always celebrates M and F Day. On Father's Day DH gets to choose what he wants to do/eat etc, which is normal.

He has totally ignored his DW on MD. Unless he has a secret surprise planned for her, but it's not looking promising.

Tomorrow my mum (79) will be cooking lunch for me and my dad, as it’s both our birthdays on Tuesday, and my brother and his partner and children are also coming. Dad will do the washing up (as usual).

is that bad?

Personally I’d be happy with the meal that he’s cooking, presumably also for me, because I’m not cooking it and he’s not saying I have to sit in the shed and it’s just for his mum.

I also wouldn’t dream of asking my partner if I could invite my mother for Mother’s Day.

Yes.

I hope your DH realises what an idiot he has been and has organised some special parts of the day for you.

I also don’t have a Mum any more and I find this weekend hard - I’d have been so upset if that had been sprung on me.

I’m very sorry for your loss. I know. It hurts. If your mum was still here would you have expected to spend the day with her?

Isn’t it that it’s just not so much a thing for some families? We don’t do anything at all for Father’s Day because it’s just a commercially invented thing to sell cards (none of which work for my dad because he has no interest in golf, or DIY). I think the only reason we acknowledge Mothering Sunday (and woe betide anyone who calls it ‘Mother’s Day’ in my parents’ house) is because it’s a traditional religious day and my parents are both very Christian and historians.