AIBU re Mother’s Day

[ChangedUserName2026]

My DH has always been very close to his mum (my MIL). To be fair, I actually get on well with her.

However, today he casually announced that he’s invited his parents over for Mother’s Day and will be cooking her favourite meal and dessert to celebrate. He didn’t ask me beforehand, just informed me.

I can’t help feeling a bit put out. I’m his wife and the mother of his DC, so I’d have thought Mother’s Day might involve at least asking what I’d like to do, or doing something that I’d enjoy too.

Instead, it seems I’ll be hosting my PIL and eating my MIL’s favourite meal.

DH does have form for putting other people (especially MIL) before me, which probably doesn’t help with how this feels.

AIBU for being annoyed about this? Or am I being a bit of a precious princess? My friends think DH is being a bit of a d@ck and have validated my feelings, but curious what MN thinks.

It's possible to do both- grandparents and their own children getting together.
You don't stop being a mum , just because your own children are adults with their own children.

I really hope he’s planned some surprises for you, with the kids 💐. And you all have a lovely day together. If not, I agree, you need to have a word. Important he respects you, in order to teach your kids to do so. And you certainly need to have a word about the lack of respect in inviting your PIL without involving you. And don’t clear up. Us lone parents regularly both cook and clear up. It’s not that difficult.

But I’d wait until after the day. Both to see how it pans out and so as not to create tension for MIL. I don’t have a DD and if my DSs all end up with women who expect to be put first, I’d be a little sad, when I’m their mum and we’ve been through a lot together. But I’d understand they’d be torn and wouldn’t want to be a cause of friction in a couple. I intend to be the sort of MIL who encourages my DSs to have respect for the women they’re with.

I’m not a fan of Hallmark days (hate Valentines), as they can be performative, heighten expectations and cause tension. IMHO respect and love on the other 364 days are just as important. Incidentally, Mothering Sunday is about returning to the ‘mother church’ where you’re originally from, not about mothers per se. Though because everyone went back to their mother church it naturally became a day of family reunion.

I don’t see the issue. You just say since you are all occupied for the day I’m taking the opportunity for a lovely day out and then go and do something fun. Husband gets quality time with parents, parents in law see the grandkids, you get to go somewhere and do something you enjoy. Since it is a day recognised as one to celebrate mums he can celebrate his own mum with the dinner and his kid’s mum by facilitating a day alone to do something she enjoys without having to consider anyone else. It need not be some big fight but if being there is going to make you feel a bit resentful it’s probably better to go and do something else. That way everyone has a nice time.

Sounds like this is part of a bigger problem- you have a husband who doesn’t respect you or care about your feelings.

Glad to hear you won’t be cleaning up. I would actually pre-empt the argument by cooking the simplest possible dinner on Saturday and cleaning up after that, so you’ve done your share in advance.

Your husband expecting you to clean up on a day meant for your children to celebrate you, after an event in your own home that you weren’t consulted on, smacks of telling you to know your place. Having a sad face and being a martyr isn’t going to change things.

I would be absolutely matching the same energy on fathers’ day. If he organises cards and presents from the children for you, then match that. But don’t worship and pander to him. In fact, I would set the expectation that he’ll be cooking his father’s favourite dinner, so it’s fair to both his parents.

If you told him that you planned to take the children out for the day so that they get the opportunity to celebrate with their own mother, what would his response be ?

I think you are taking this much better than many of us would - which is to your credit. Like many, I agree that your DH is being inconsiderate here. Not only because he is only thinking if his own Mum and not the mother if his small children - but also that you are not in a position to celebrate your own Mum and that also should be on his radar. So you are really not being unreasonable to be feeling upset / annoyed. Well done for making the best of it and please don’t do the clearing up and have an extra glass of wine instead.

But not on Mother’s Day…..that’s the point

I suspect he is one of those men who, when they say "my family", mean their Mother, Father, sisters, and brothers.

They know you exist, but you and your children are on the periphery. I think it's a form of arrested development. It usually doesn't end well..

While I agree he has gone about this in the wrong way and should be making it clear he is celebrating both mums. My mum died very suddenly in in 60s, we never thought for one minute she wouldn't be around to see the next Christmas/birthday/mothers day. Age makes no difference, a mum is a mum whatever her age.

Sorry but if someone said no to either of my parents coming round on Mothers/Fathers day I would seriously question if they are the person I want to spend my life with.

I hope he is doing something nice for OP but hasn't told her about it because it's a surprise. If he hasn't involved the kids in spoiling her tomorrow then I agree she has every right to be upset.

Hi OP. Similar situation here. 4 young children. DH very close to his parents (only child) he takes his mum out for a lunch to a nice hotel locally each year. On the morning of Mother's Day he will say to me 'so what do you want to do today?' I'm the after thought. His mum is booked in weeks in advance 🤣. I get a chip shop tea normally as that's what I pick and that's what we can fit in once he's home. To be fair he has often asked if I want to join them but I then have to find childcare for 4 kids which isn't easy and my own mum has plans with my siblings so i just have a chill.

To answer your question. Yes it would annoy me! But I really can't talk can I?!

I'd see how the morning unfolds... if he has organised something special for you. If not...

I know you don't want to put your PIL in a difficult position, but if it turns out he has done nothing for you at all, aren't you going to feel like crap at the end of the day after politely nodding and smiling for everyone else's benefit? Big woo you won't cook or even clean up. Your FIL will enjoy the same privilege. You'll just be an indirect recipient of what he's doing for his mum.

I would have a plan b up my sleeve I think, where I'd go and what I'd say, just in case I couldn't stomach it on the day. Doesn't have to be dramatic. If PIL are as nice as you say they'll know it was their son who had messed up!

No, I’d be annoyed too OP. It seems to be in my family as well that Mother’s Day is all about the older generations, ie my grandma. It’s my first Mother’s Day this year, and I’ve been guilted into a four hour round trip to take my grandma out for a nice lunch. I’ve said no. But I don’t know what I’d do in your situation as it’s in your house, I totally get how you feel you’ve been overlooked!

Not happy. The DC are everything to him.

I am so sorry about your Mum. I hope you will be ok on Sunday.

At no point have I ever said jo to PIL visiting. Their presence here is not the issue I am upset about.

Congratulations on your first Mother’s Day! How special. I hope you have a lovely day.
And thank you.

Thank you so much.

I’ve always thought this is a bad idea! For a start no one gets a complete night off and secondly I’m a really tidy cook and clean as I go, so there’s very little cleaning up to do. My husband in the other hand can use every pan and bowl in the kitchen making a one-pan dinner so no-way would I want to clean up after that.

I’m torn on this one. Yes it’s Mother’s Day so dh is treating him mum as he should

equally you are now a mum and without yours (as am I ,so mother day was always hard till I was a mum) so couldn’t celebrate with my mum once she died

not sure how old your dc are but sounds like not old enough to get something theirselves , or make a card etc - so hope he has taken them to get pressie or even a card from them

what dh should have said is , im going to cook you both a meal for MD

obviously you need to say to him as it’s MD you won’t be tidying up after the meal as it is your day as well as his mums

and enjoy the day as you say mil is nice

I’ve been separated 2yrs and tho ex was good while together with MD for me.

He isn’t now as says we aren’t together - yet I get Father’s Day stuff for him as it’s from our daughter who wants to do it

mini blondes 8 , God bless her is a sweetie and likes to go to the shop for days like birthday - valentines - mother day Christmas etc and choose things for me by herself

so we go to home bargains and she takes a bag - I give her my card or cash and she gets what she wants for me with me at other end of aisle and goes to till and pays and wraps it by self - so is a total surprise for me. She is a sweetie

I hope you hav a good day tomorrow @ChangedUserName2026and are spoilt 💐💐

I'm sorry your husband hasn't considered consulting you since its your mother's day too, as well as his mother's. No wonder yiu are upset, he's being inconsiderate and not consulted you first, not nice. Could you explain again how you feel unconsulted as a mother on mother's day?

As others have said, you sound lovely and you've been very patient with these replies, some of which are unfair, and show they haven't bothered to read your updates.

I hope mother's day is special for you and he rethink his behaviour and incorporates some of your choices too. Maybe FIL can help husband clear up rather than you tomorrow too.

Best wishes 💐

I’d say it all depends on how much parenting you still have to do for your adult children.

If none at all, then it’s just a name. Ofcourse, there’s love and a bond that comes with that name and relationship but it doesn’t have to be celebrated, on that specific day, when your adult children are now the parents of young children and doing the daily grind of parenting, which should be celebrated and appreciated by their children.

If you had a daughter, and you saw her go through pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, sacrificing her career, and raising small children, would you want her husband to prioritise her or his mother?

Thank you very much.

I would have appreciated being asked if there was anything I would like to do on the day and whether I minded involving PIL (I don’t at all and would never say no). And I would have been touched if one item on the menu was a favourite or mine.

Anyway, I shall enjoy the meal and the company. And will not be doing any chores on Sunday. 😀

The obvious thing would've been for him to make sure he was doing a dish you both like, if that exists. Is there scope for him to make two dishes? If not, I'd tell him you would like him to sort your favourite dessert.

Thank you, I hope your day ends up being lovely as well, you deserve it 🌺

Poor show that he wants to put his mother ahead of you!! You’re actively mothering younger kids. It should be your celebration. Definitely don’t wash up and I’d also be having a lie in. Make sure you tell him afterwards that the MIL invite/favourite lunch is not happening again!!

I mentioned to DH that he could invite his mum to spend the weekend with us, but we’re all eating what I like for Mother’s Day!