AIBU re Mother’s Day

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My DH has always been very close to his mum (my MIL). To be fair, I actually get on well with her.

However, today he casually announced that he’s invited his parents over for Mother’s Day and will be cooking her favourite meal and dessert to celebrate. He didn’t ask me beforehand, just informed me.

I can’t help feeling a bit put out. I’m his wife and the mother of his DC, so I’d have thought Mother’s Day might involve at least asking what I’d like to do, or doing something that I’d enjoy too.

Instead, it seems I’ll be hosting my PIL and eating my MIL’s favourite meal.

DH does have form for putting other people (especially MIL) before me, which probably doesn’t help with how this feels.

AIBU for being annoyed about this? Or am I being a bit of a precious princess? My friends think DH is being a bit of a d@ck and have validated my feelings, but curious what MN thinks.

Bonkers.

Not on Mother's Day!

Agreed. Then it’s a lovely day for both the mums involved and the children will see how to make it special. Kindness and love are inter generational.

Well his parents aren’t cooking. THEY can do the washing up. I would make it very clear that unless YOU specifically are catered to, you won’t be lifting a finger to facilitate this nonsense.

I’m not sure how old your children are, but my view on these sort of situations is that behaviours you’re willing to accept from your partner are in all likelihood the behaviours children will absorb as acceptable for them. My other half is by and large pretty thoughtful but when he does behave in an unkind way I to think to myself, it’s my responsibility to tackle this - I would hate my daughter to be treated this way so in a polite non confronting way I make it clear it’s not on.
If he is stubborn, and in this instance pretty self serving, as well as erasing you from a day that’s for you, that’s not a great example to be setting. I hope your day is nice in the end, and he steps up for you.

Wouldn’t be happy about this at all. When you have children of your own Mothers Day becomes your wife’s day, not your mother’s.

I’m the opposite to most, I actually think Mother’s Day is as much about the grandparents, more even as they’re generally left to it so much, my mum doesn’t have us nearby to visit and things like Mother’s Day get our family together and same with his- we see our kids every day of the week!!! So we’ll go visit my mum today (I’m working tomorrow) and go to his mum for tea when I finish work tomorrow.

But hosting them, not telling you and you cleaning up is horrendous!!!!

If I was in OP’s position , I’d be organising a fun trip out for myself with the children.

I’d take a different approach. I’d say next weekend can we do MY Mother’s Day treat? Then suggest what it is you like to do.

First, so sorry you don’t have your mum to celebrate with. People forget Mother’s Day can be hard for those without a mum. This is why your DH should be extra thoughtful to you on Mother’s Day, even before you had kids.

Second, your DH was unreasonable and disrespectful to invite his PILs over to your joint home, without first discussing with you. On Mother’s Day or any other day. It’s your home too. That’s the main issue. He’s been thoughtless to you. I guess it depends what he’s planned for you as a surprise. Maybe some dishes are for you or he’ll make you a special breakfast.

Third, agree with PP (e.g. @Vartden) that it’s lovely your DH is cooking for and spoiling his mum and you shouldn’t undermine that. Taking your kids out on your own, as some PP have said, would be so disrespectful to MIL, who’s their grandmother. And would ruin the day for you all. Plus, he didn’t spend it with MIL last year in favour of you. And, if she’s in her 80s, he and the kids need to build Mother’s Day memories with her while they can.

I think maybe not having your mum brings it on to you more. You’d perhaps be more like your DH if your mum was still alive. When my kids were little, I always put my mum first on Mother’s Day: took her out somewhere special, paid for a meal or made a lovely meal/picnic etc. I never expected the kids to fuss over me because they were too young. Though ex always helped them get a gift for me, they made cards at nursery/school, brought me breakfast in bed etc. I was just happy we were all together as a family: both mums together.

Now my mum’s older and struggles to go out and the kids are young adults, I see her the day or week before. I went to see her and cooked her a meal on International Women’s Day last week. And instead me and the kids go out on Mother’s Day to somewhere I’ve booked. I even paid last year as none of the kids were working. IMHO spending time together and making memories is the most important thing.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment that it is great for both mums to be celebrated, in this scenario, seemingly only one mum is being fussed over ie my MIL. This sets an example to my DC that it is ok to ignore someone and focus solely on another when both should be included. This is not how I wish my DC to be brought up. It’s not ok in my books.

Thank you. I agree. I immediately asked him what he was cooking for me. DC were present.

Thank you. I agree.
I hope you all have a lovely day together.

Agree with you. It is important to celebrate as a family and be inclusive.
Last year it wasn’t our choice to spend MD without MIL as she was travelling.

Surely you let the blokes do the cleaning up and hosting, then you are being fussed over. Tell him what you want for pudding / breakfast in bed / tea.

You will presumably get cards and / or a present?

He’s setting a great example for your children

what are your children doing for you on Mother’s Day?

Did you miss that his parents are in their 80s? He should be doing it all.
OP, has there been a death of a DM in his peer group? My MIL has had a DNR put on her (not terminal, just frail). It's brought home, to her children, that she is in her final years. I'm wondering if something has triggered this, given that last year was all about you. A proper conversation would be the way to go. He might be planning on surprising you on the day, which would explain the casual shrug. I never bothered with MD for me, but on other occasions I want my favourite drink/chocolate and cheesecake. So ask for what you want, today. If you get a vague 'perhaps', then it's all in hand. It seems to come as a shock when a spritely 80 year old suddenly dies, but unless longevity is in the family, these could be her last well years. Then your children will be older and it will be all about you.

Not on Mother's Day though 😘

In our house Mother’s day is spent treating our mothers who are both still alive.

I am not my DHs mother. If our mothers weren’t alive then I would expect to be treated to lunch at home or out.

I have no idea. They are too young to come up with something on their own. So hopefully DH will have thought about it.

What the hell is this 'active mothering' bollocks? My children are all late teens/ early 20s. I love them dearly, they're good kids, but believe me, navigating the teen years is much more demanding and challenging than when they were little and it was all about baths, bums and ferrying them back and forth to school. Obviously, they're more than capable of arranging their own cards and presents now but talk of which generation of mother takes 'priority' seems very petty.

My mother died two years ago. Tomorrow my MIL who is in her late 80s will be here and my husband says he's doing a Sunday dinner which suits everyone. It wouldn't bother me if he cooked something which was MIL's preference but OP has obviously got the hump because her husband regularly puts her at the bottom of the list, she says. So that needs to be addressed throughout the year, as and when it happens. Just enjoy tomorrow for what it is then sort out the ongoing issues afterwards.

What did your DH say when you told him how you felt? Did he double down or has he realised?

Thank you.
I am sorry to read about your MIL.
We haven’t had any such events.
Last year’s MD was about me solely because MIL was off travelling. We spend holidays and special days as a family usually. However, this year it seems to be all focussed on MIL. I am not upset the day won’t be about me. I am upset that seemingly there is no mark of appreciation for me. That wouldn’t exclude celebrating MIL too at the same time.

A shrug of the shoulders.

Absolutely agree with this. As soon as we had a child, my husband and I always have spent Mother’s Day together with our children- my mother has had 30 odd years of her being put first!