Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

And you were considering canceling his birthday after he was beaten up? Thats shit, and cruel. Seems like you have favourites and don't like your son.

I know we are not supposed to judge but your parenting skills seem emotionally abusive & I genuinely feel bad for any child under your care.

He needs to learn to choose his battles more wisely.

You need to build his confidence and self esteem in other areas so he doesn’t feel invalidated by his younger sister. This is on you for not understanding that he needs to feel pride in himself for something.

Your DD used strength as an advantage today because she was stronger but there’s always someone stronger than the next person.

They both need to understand brute force is not the answer. As adults if this happened she’d be done for assault and he’d be involved too.

You also need to stop your DN spreading it to the rest of the family or your complicit in your DS’s humiliation.

Honestly you sound like you need parenting lessons.

Siblings need to understand they’re on the same side. The world is fucking tough out there. No Kees to fight at home.

Don’t cancel your DS’s birthday. That’s ridiculous. Sit them down and talk to them like adults. Tell them to grow the fuck up and if you ever see that sort of thing again, they’ll be serious consequences for both of them.

I know a fun play fighting game called who can get who on the ground first. I push, shove, wrestle you to the ground, sit on you, pin you down. It’s so fun for me because you lose every time, ha ha you suck because you’re being beaten by younger kids.

I do this over and over, me and my cousin. We take turns pushing you to the ground, maybe even rubbing your face in the dirt or twisting an arm. Not a parent in sight.

Then one time you hit me while trying to stop me pushing you to ground for the nth time so I go no holds barred and beat all the colours of shit out of you. I beat you until you can’t walk and are one giant bruise with cuts and scrapes.

Then I tell mum it was self defence and you’re the one who fucked around and found out?

It doesn’t matter whether you are the DD, the DS or the DN. This was play fighting that got ugly which always happens and is why it should never ever be allowed much less encouraged.

No I wouldn’t cancel the birthday treat.

They were both in the wrong. He shouldn’t have hit her obviously but she did way more than defending herself. Was she showing off infront of her cousin?

Would you feel the same if DD was a boy? Same age and strength but a boy.

I’d be furious if my younger DC did that to older DC. I’d be furious at them both. I would not be proud of my younger one. I’d rather they walked away and come and found me or moved on to doing something else with DN.

Honestly, I am not sure how you should handle the situation overall but I do think this seems harsh to cancel his birthday outing.

Love this..my 2 were fighting all the time boy now 13 girl 10 and its way different now, boy always looking out for his wee sister and making sure shes ok. Last year they were knocking hell out each other, she always won mind you. Let them fight it out i say, they will be pals by the morning.

This!! OP never mind being “proud” you should be bloody ashamed! You’re raising physically aggressive kids, God knows how they behave towards other kids. You and your dh need to ask yourselves some serious questions.

OP you need to work on your attitude towards your kids or you'll be posting on here in 10 years time, wondering why on earth your son has gone no contact.

Yes , it sounds like it. A continuation of the wrestling to the ground game , preceded by a bit of taunting and teasing maybe ? She knows she has the measure of him , so it's a win win. For now. OP must strive to be even handed in her response.

FFS, fighting to the extreme and mobile phones? At their age. Teenage years are going to be fun in your house OP! Good luck.

You’re not horrified enough by this. This is awful and I would be absolutely disgusted by my dc behaving like this.

Jesus your kids are feral

Same

mine would wind each other up when they were young but physical violence nope. I know other people with boys who are violent towards each other and I find it pretty shocking

I mean fair play to her for defending her self, however I think you need to address DS behaviour because the fact he got violent because he wasn’t winning is a huge red flag. by all means be competitive, but don’t be a sore loser.

When I was younger I beat my brother at a PlayStation game and he lost his shit and got a knife from the drawer. I locked myself in the toilet and our lodgers at the time who were babysitting us called my parents. I still don’t know what happened (I can imagine) but he never raised a hand to any woman, or got pissed off from losing ever since. We are 37 and 34 and of course he is still competitive but it is way more friendly. I’m not competitive, I usually play for fun, I mostly win but it pisses competitive people off more because I don’t care about the winning.

Your son is covered in cuts and bruises because your daughter beat him up and you want to cancel his birthday ??

No , he shouldn’t have hit her. But she also shouldn’t have beat him up - she didn’t just defend herself , she went annoy further than that and you seem to be only focused on the fact he hit her?! They’re children !

Imagine this was the other way around and a girl had hit her brother and he had beat her up ?!

gobsmacked.

OP I recommend family therapy and perhaps a parenting class.

There is nothing in your post to warrant pride. You're raising thugs. We have children with different strengths and weaknesses too, and we make sure to encourage activities which have them all feeling good about themselves.

Your son is not there to be a punch bag or a stooge for future men your daughter might meet. He's her family. That you would carry your own battered child into the house and be in any way proud of the perpetrator is so deeply concerning to me that I feel like we're a different species.

Are you 100% sure DD wasn't gloating or rubbing it in, or belittling her brother before he snapped? What does "trying to subdue her" look like? Are you entirely taking DDs side of the story? Why didn't DN intervene sooner? It all sounds wrong, all kinds of wrong.

Your son reacted entirely predictably. Not because he is a boy necessarily, but because being repeatedly humiliated as an older sibling feels like shit. Most kids would have lashed out eventually.

What the hell did I just read?

A sibling beat up the other, so badly that they couldn’t walk? And the OP is proud!!!

Get a grip OP

That isn’t defensive. It isn’t proportionate. You should be alarmed that her anger took her beyond protecting herself and her cousin and that she went on the attack and had no control over herself. Image your niece wasn’t there to alert you and what she could have done.

Both need punished. Your son needs to learn that he can’t hit out when things aren’t going his way. Your daughter needs to understand that she could have caused a serious injury and she needs to contain her anger. What if she does that to her cousin or her BF. Will you be less proud then?

I would hate to grow up in a family where this scenario is even vaguely normalised.

You need to supervise your children better and they both need to stop being violent under the guise of 'play fighting'. FFS, hope you use this thread as a wake up call.

I find the whole concept that people defending themselves need to temper their response offensive. I come to this conclusion as a victim of abuse and having watched someone be the victim of horrific abuse for many years. If a person manages to defend themselves, they should not be judged for how they do so.

i would not punish your daughter. I would punish your son. Linking it to a birthday is not related so is inappropriate. Just suspend privileges immediately now.

I would also end the play-fighting permanently.

Agree that the physical fighting needs to stop. It's very likely your son will grow to be much bigger and stronger than your daughter and be more than capable of seriously hurting her.

OMG this. He needs to learn very quickly that he is not entitled to win anything. She was better than him and beat him fair and square and he resorted to violence. This is BAD.
She defended herself and good for her but as pp have said, he will soon be bigger and stronger than her, and he needs to know that he can’t keep lashing out physically when he doesn’t get his own way. If every boy learned this early on, we might not have an epidemic of violence against women.

I wouldn’t punish either of them. The poor kids have been raised thus far with complete disfunction. With a mother than takes pride in violent retaliation. How on earth are they going to grow into adults capable of appropriate reactions with this sort of parental attitude?

I’d suggest the whole family goes to therapy before it’s too late.

Its fairly clear from the OP that the DS will suffer abuse about this from the DN, the rest of the family and most likely her DD.
I wonder just how much he will have to suffer for fis parents (and others on here) to see that he is not the entire problem.

He was defending himself against her. So she should be punished. She picked on him and wrestled him to the ground over and over and then he hit back in defense, then she beat him up.

She sounds highly aggressive to me.