Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

Oh, okay, she fought back against her bullying brother, so you've got her turning into Aileen Wuornos? Deary me....

Give it a year or two and she'll get battered by him.

This.

Will you be grounding her for stating it when that happens?

Right. Wtaf am I reading.

She and the neice were bullying him, are you reading the thread?

Won’t get that from me. It’s neglectful parenting that allowed for play fighting to happen in the first place. The DD, DN and DS do not deserve to be trained to fight each other like a pack of dogs. It’s so obvious that they would all get hurt at some point. In just this one game on one evening two of them got hurt, the DS very badly. I hope it is a light bulb moment for the OP that all physical play fighting needs to stop now.

your 9 year old daughter beat up your 12 year old son so badly you had to carry him inside, you say!?

Both of their attitudes was terrible and I would be extremely disappointed if my children behaved that way.

Your son is misogynistic and should focus on his own achievements instead of his sister's.
Your daughter should defend herself but beating another child up is unacceptable.

I can't help but think that the adults here haven't done enough to prevent things escalating to this point.

It’s neglectful parenting that allowed for play fighting to happen in the first place.

Exactly. Some lamentable parenting standards on here.

Absolutely applang behaviour from both and terrible that you haven’t read them both the riot act and you’re posting on here. Shoddy parenting. Ground them both.

100%

The fact that they’re both violent means you have not instilled good behaviour in them. I have two very masculine older teenage boys. They have never physically fought.

That's a lot of anger/violence for two young kids!

She shouldn’t be punished for defending herself.

DS needs to learn about fuck about and find out.

Yeah this is a real opportunity to have a necessary discussion with your son.

is it about losing? Or about losing to a girl? A younger girl? Did this make him feel humiliated?

id nip that shit right in the bud before this seed grows and then he finds certain content online as he grows up.

obviously what your daughter did wasn’t okay either but I’d be more worried for my son here

Don't be impressed by either of them. Neither comes out of this looking good. If they can learn to sort out their conflicts respectfully, and recognise each other's strengths in different areas without jealousy, then you can be impressed.

DS will be stronger soon enough and it could get dangerous.

No, what he needs to learn is that violence is rarely appropriate. You cannot set a precedent that a disproportionate violent response is acceptable.

If in a few years his sister slaps him and he responds by beating the shit out of her, would that be acceptable?

I wouldn’t cancel his birthday - he’s already experienced the natural consequences of being covered in cuts and bruises.

However I wouldn’t let the house rule be it’s fine to pummel someone as long as they hit you first. What happens if he ends up a lot bigger than her at 15 then she hits him first - cool to knock her out?

So much for trying to encourage and cultivate a positive relationship between your children. They will resent and dislike each as they grow up, and you seem secretly gleeful about this abusive and dysfunctional dynamic. Go mom 🙄🙄🙄

unfortunately most won't get passed the title

Why do either of them think hitting is the way to go? Honestly they would both be grounded
for a few days. And stern words about violence not being the solution.

Their competitiveness and violent inclinations are something you need to think about seriously - both need to be nipped in the bud.

As their adult they should be able to rely on your supervision and support to avoid such behaviour that leads to an intentionally injured child...

It’s not relevant to his birthday treat and to withdraw that is cruel imo.

Jfc.

Are you for real @ForAmpleRobin? Some of these responses are incredible.

Its absolutely nothing to be proud of that your daughter ‘properly beat up’ your son causing cuts and bruises.

That goes over and above defending herself…

They both need punishing, however it would be unfair to punish your son by removing his birthday treat when you can’t do the same for your daughter

they both need sitting down and telling off, it’s not acceptable to fight, but your daughter took it to far as well in retaliation. Yours sons going to be embarrassed by his cousin spilling it all to family

you need to worm with your son on how he handles his sister being better at something than him, and perhaps encourage him in doing something he is good at and she isn’t.

your daughter needs to learn that she can fight back if attacked, but in this case she took it to far

they both need to be to and helped on working on their relationship and learning to accepts each others strengths and notget wound up about it

Or she could beat the shit out of him if he touches her.

You guys act like there is no such thing as self-defence for women.

Women should know their place, eh? She should have just let him slap her around age 9?

I wouldn't be proud of either of my kids for that.
I see a very fractured family in your future.

There is defending oneself and there is an inability to show self control. If she doesnt learn that lesson, she will end up in more trouble when shes older.

She used this as another opportunity to show him shes faster and stronger the same as with the other games

So violence is ok as long as a woman is doing it? And people cant see anything wrong with this