Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

Don’t cancel his birthday. That’s too harsh for what the problem is. And more importantly, it will just make the problem worse.

I would have a chat with BOTH OF THEM re getting physical.
Your ds should never have started that fight
Your dd was right imo to fight back but she should never have gone as far as she did.
And if you go down tge punishment route, both of them should be punished

Then tackle the jealousy
See if you can spend 1-1 time with him. Be careful to praise him the same way you do with your dd.
You need to remember that each time you’re talking about her joining xyz club, going to do this race etc…you’re putting the spotlight on her. Are you spending a similar amount of time doing that with your ds?
Find what your ds is good at and talk about it too.
Spend time with him talking about what he likes, playing a computer game together etc….

Also, they both need to remember that being better at <whatever activity> says nothing about who they are as a person. Dd is good at running and ??? It’s not going to change much to her life iyswim.
Id also remind your dd that she might be quicker now but things have time to change and it’s likely to not always be the case (just genetics man vs woman on speed and strength).

Your daughter needed to stop. Defending yourself is not "battering" someone. Have you discussed other ways she could have handled it? Eg hitting him back to get him off her then running to for help, or calling out to you? I would have zero pride in her behaviour. Unless your son has previously hurt her this bad? I don't even see how your post can be real it's honestly such shit parenting. It wouldn't be acceptable to anyone if a boy had battered his sister and in my view it's not ok the other way around.

I feel like you are downplaying two girls pushing him down on the ground repeatedly as a ‘silly strength game.´ That sounds to me like playground bullying. Where it’s only a fun game for the ones doing the pushing.

Yes he shouldn’t have hit out while being pushed down for the nth time, but your DD then beating him up so badly he could not walk and is bruised all over is really not anything to be proud of at all.

Daft wee knob, ha ha. He'll think twice next time about lifting his hands.

It’s good for the girl to know she may be able to defend herself. Good for her.

She might be able to defend herself against someone who is physically less able, but I wouldn't be encouraging her to think she can beat anyone who has a go. Far better to walk away or de-escalate where possible.

By treating her the same as him. Remember that men get killed by domestic violence too. You probably won’t want her arrested for beating her boyfriend to a pulp when she’s older. We cannot rant about men being violent when they grow up while ‘feeling proud’ of our daughters being violent. Not giving up, fine. Physical abuse, not fine. He hit her, she went much further.

So your 9 year old daughter beat up your 11 year old son to a such a degree that he needed carrying and was covered in cuts and bruises, yet you feel proud that dd can defend herself..

Plus they both have phones.

This is some cavalier parenting OP.

They would both be facing the same level of consequences for what happened, but I would seriously want to address why my young children were behaving in such a violent way.

If any of my children beat their sibling to the point of me having to carry them away I would be absolutely disgusted with them, regardless of genders or who started.
Your attitude towards your son is horrific.

This with bells on. Play fighting is not harmless that all.

So will she when she gets a criminal record for battering her boyfriend in a few years time.

I mean if you hit people expect to get hit back. It’s a lesson he needs to learn before he becomes a man larger and stronger than others…. If he smacks another blokes he could get very hurt. Don’t start a fight you can’t win.

Remind him that the girls are hitting puberty and he won’t hit it for a couple of years and when he does then he will be stronger and faster. Tell him to remember how this feels when he’s the big strong one… girls get this for a couple of years and then men get it for life.

Then punish your daughter. As she used unacceptable levels of violence. Reasonable force is something she needs to learn.

If he hit her first?

I have to say i did wonder if the dd and DN haven’t been let’s say ‘showing off’ a lot of front of the ds and basically putting him down/making him ashamed of not being as fast as them.

Nobody should be proud of either child. Both have hit each other and one has really hurt the other.

you need to be stopping this from ever happening again. Violence is not ever allowed, they should have learnt that at younger ages.

what’s going on in your household that they think this is ok?

The way I see it if he didn't hit her she wouldn't best him in so teach him how wrong it is to hit anyone and not especially girls and women.

If your daughter has been the one hitting or starting it then yes she should be punished, if it's all him as it sounds then I would just speak to her about not over retaliating but the punishment should be for him.

The other problem is that you weren't there. Have they all admitted that he hit her first?

Omg. Your son was annoyed at being beaten by his sister and dn, girls and then hit his sister.
his sister defended herself. Nope i would not be punishing her.
i’d only punish if she put her hands on him first.
she did not start it, she ended it.
cannot believe these comments.
i’d be focusing on why your son felt it ok to hurt his sister because his pride was hurt. I’d be putting a stop too that. Soon he wont be too small too stop.

cross country (XC)

I’m trying to visualise the 11 yr old needing carried in to the house for some cuts and bruises? How was he cut?
Sounds a bit wild.

After being shoved to the ground repeatedly?

It reminds me of the piggy in the middle game, which was in reality just bullying.

You’re proud of a child who actually beats up their sibling.

this. How can you dislike your son so much that you are "proud" when his sister beats him up.

Instead of punishing (which could lead to him resenting his sister more/and or women) I would be concentrating on bonding (no competition based bonding) for them, fostering love and friendship with them. Find a way to help them celebrate each other instead of seeing each other as competitors.

Yours reads as AI aka 'fake' 😂