Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

He could easily tell someone at school and it go to safeguarding.social services. You need to up your parenting massively. It’s appalling. Yet you are somehow proud? Your dc aren’t safe in their own home.

Both as bad as each other. Both would be read the riot act. You can't punish one without the other though so don't cancel the bday.

Maybe DD would benefit from boxing or martial arts?

You would think the same were it the other way round? She hits him first and he retaliates, injuring her badly, would that also be 'tough shit', she won't hit him again?

Of course it's not right. She should be dealt with as you would deal with him if he had beaten her up.

It's disturbing that you feel any kind of satisfaction at seeing your daughter "defend herself" when the result is physical harm to your son. Sounds like she went beyond self-defence and flew into a rage. And I wouldn't count on this experience to teach your son not to test her. If anything, he may harbour resentment if you give her behaviour a pass. Both should face consequences.

And take the phones away permanently -- not really as a punishment just because they're not even teenagers ffs.... What on earth do they need phones for?

What about her ? She defended herself.

That wasn’t really my question……
If a random lad, 2 years older than your DD hit her, and she beat him up, would you be proud?

Not sure if you got answred

irs cross country running.

You need to work on his self esteem and jealousy issues, I don't suppose being battered by his younger sister will have helped this much.
Tbh though, fucking good for her, yes she went too far but it was in retaliation and he's hopefully learnt a valuable lesson.

OK but please remember this @ForAmpleRobin in a few years when your son will be much bigger and he severely beats up your daughter if she crosses him. Hope you will feel equally proud over him standing up for himself. 🙄

It wasn't a random lad so totally irrelevant.

Maybe she'll harbour resentment towards him, since he's the one who couldn't take it and hit her first.

Yeah I agree, this needs further help. One exasperated hit...you could words of advice, punishment...but battered in response and maternal pride in the consequent harm...when the consequences could have been super serious.
This needs work to fix.

It's the sort of event that could really twist a young brain and affect personal development and personality.

This sentence was based on OP proposing unequal punishment of the two (punishing him solely). Learn to read properly.

I no longer allow games of strength/physical competitions to start here, I have boys that are 16 months apart in age but with very different builds.
One towers above me and enjoys going to the gym, the other is small and slight and has the build of a runner.
I stopped them ‘competing’ against each other from about the age of 7 and 9 as someone would have got seriously hurt.
It was around that age they started to throw their weight around, squabble and bash.
Your Son shouldn’t have lashed out but equally your daughter shouldn’t have pulverised him either. It sounds like she went far beyond what was reasonable for him to have to be carried inside and have cuts/bruises.
Instead of being proud that she stood up for herself you should be concerned that a simple game with slight competition effectively ruined an afternoon with your niece having to go home and resulted in your children hurting each other enough that skin was broken/damaged.
I sat both mine down a couple of years ago and told them of the man that killed someone with one punch after a fight in a pub, an extreme perhaps but they were both resorting to solving issues with hitting/shoving and I needed them to try and understand how dangerous lashing out could be.
Mine still fight/squabble but the hitting has mostly stopped, they shove and hurl insults now 🥴
It’s natural for siblings to push boundaries with each other so that they learn what is tolerated/acceptable, but it’s not something that should be just shrugged off as ‘he deserved it’.

I wouldnt no. I dont think violence is acceptable. Its not self defence and I would warn her of this and punish her for not seeking an adult.

I’d probably never ever want to be in the same room as someone who beat me up so badly I was covered in cuts and bruises and had to be carried to safety….

so…..there’s that….

Its hardly healthy for either to harbour resentment towards the other since they both resort to physical violence, to the point one ends up covered in cuts, bruises and needing to be carried indoors.

Both these kids need support to manage their feelings without hitting the other and op feeling pride at that

ok lets unpick this. You let them do "strength competitions" and are proud of your daughter for beating shit out of another child. I think you need to rethink aspects of your parenting. New rules. No fighting EVER. No more "strength competitions" and no rubbing it in to any child about being better or stronger than another. Same punishment for both and not birthday related. Think about getting them both into separate martial arts type classes to learn some self control.

This. Parenting fail here.

It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.

What do you mean by 'subdue her' ? Did he have her pinned to the floor ?

I think you need to instigate an absolutely no touching rule for the pair of them and I would be punishing them equally.

Too harsh.

It’s not ideal, no.
But it’s a good lesson for the lad to learn that women are sick of male shit. It’s also a good lesson to keep his hands to himself because there’s always someone bigger and stronger than him and next time they may do him more harm.
It’s good for the girl to know she may be able to defend herself. Good for her.

This seriously unhealthy family dynamic should have been nipped in the bud ages ago and not allowed to get to this point.
Time for a big rethink OP, this is on you.