Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of Cool Girl Mum sister-in-law?

324 replies

ThatPlumViewer · 13/03/2026 14:41

Absolutely at my limit with my sis in law and want to know if anyone else has come across this kind of Mum. The best way to describe it is that she is a pick me/cool girl Mum who always gives the impression she’s too good for motherhood.

The straw that broke the camels back was last weekend. We were all at my Mum’s house and she was given a homemade card from my brother and sister in laws son, my nephew. I said something along the lines of “ah how sweet, did he make one for you too?” to my SIL, and in response she just laughed and said no, that she doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day so that’s why he made the card for his Granny when they made them at school. I must have looked shocked because she went on to explain that she finds Mother’s Day really naff and cringey, and she doesn’t need a day to be celebrated for doing something ordinary. It was as if she was judging those of us who do make a big deal about it.

I can’t stop thinking about how pathetic she is. This is a long line of behaviour like this from her. She was weird about her pregnancy - she was constantly saying how easy she found it, she never got sickness, she barely even felt pregnant. She chose to have a c-section and kept joking with us all that she was “too posh to push” like she was better than having a normal labour. She didn’t even give birth in her local hospital because her and my brother did loads of research and she decided she had to be in an outstanding rated hospital, and so travelled for that. She didn’t breastfeed and I know she told my Mum she found it gross which felt goady to those of us who did, and was always telling everyone who my brother did everything for her post-partum and she couldn’t understand why so many women struggled to shower with a baby. She never wanted to be called “mummy” and I know she got into a row with a health visitor when they referred to her as such.

Her son sometimes calls her by her first name now and only sometimes Mum, which is so pretentious. Everything she does is like a dig at the way Mum’s usually do things. She always said she never really felt different when she became a mother, didn’t have the usual trenches with her baby and went back to work full time with no problems. She always says her son has slotted into their lives perfectly. It’s like she thinks admitting anything has been hard or a struggle is embarrassing. It’s exactly like all the Cool Girl wives on here who say they don’t care about their husband watching porn or going to strip clubs - I feel like she’s trying to make herself look better than all the rest of us who like Mother’s Day and found newborns difficult. Everyone else I know who became a Mum found a real solidarity in being real and honest with other mums about things, but she wants to appear completely relaxed and too cool to hang out with other Mums. I just think the Mother’s Day thing has tipped me over the edge.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/03/2026 15:54

Why are you so obsessed with her. Everything you don’t like about her is a mirror to your ow self insecurities and issues about yourself. I think you could do with some therapy op, and I mean that kindly.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/03/2026 15:55

Ps I’ve definitely joked im too posh to push in crowds where I know the earth mum types whisper and judge just to give them something to talk about. In fact I had quite a few more personal reasons for my elective c sections

Biznaga · 13/03/2026 15:57

“Everyone else I know who became a Mum found a real solidarity in being real and honest with other mums about things”

Maybe she just doesn’t feel comfortable enough around you to show her true emotions, and I can see why.

Wingingit73 · 13/03/2026 15:57

You have the problem. She sounds really sweet and quite openly honest. You actually sound jealous.

toodleoothen · 13/03/2026 15:57

She's allowed to do motherhood her own way, as are you. The 'digs' you perceive are your perception. All she is doing is answering questions and doing things her own way. If that annoys you or you see an implied criticism of your way of doing things, that is on you. You do you, and let her do her!

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 13/03/2026 15:57

She just parents in her own way, shes allowed to do that there isn’t a written law of motherhood.

Ceramiq · 13/03/2026 15:58

It sounds as if your sister-in-law has a consumerist attitude to motherhood rather than a biological one.You are unlikely to find much common ground as those attitudes are miles apart.

Restlessdreams1994 · 13/03/2026 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 13/03/2026 15:59

Well aren’t you pleasant

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/03/2026 16:01

fancytoes · 13/03/2026 15:38

She sounds like she has no social ability to read the room with what she says and to whom (even though she’s perfectly within her rights to parent/live like that.)

For example: I had a ‘easy’ baby, at the NCT meet-ups, I would lie and sympathise with the others and exaggerate how grim it was - because I’m a human and understand that me going on about how easy I found it was not helpful to other people.

Good for her, I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️

She sounds a bit insufferable but you need to work on rolling your eyes and be confident in your choices!

Surely people need to accept that others do have different experiences though? I obviously wouldn't brag about having a baby who sleeps well at NCT but I don't think people should be expected to lie about it if asked either.

Baby groups are supposed to be for all mums, not just the ones who have more difficult babies.

InconvenientlyMaterial · 13/03/2026 16:02

likelysuspect · 13/03/2026 15:33

Wow, you are really something!

So she does motherhood 'wrong' and must have some traumatic reason for it!!!

Lol, no recognition whatsoever that she just does it her way, in your view she's in need of her actions and thoughts being pathologised!!

How funny

As other posters have said, OP is the one in need of help with this, a mixture of insecurity leading to main character syndrome.

I never said SIL was "wrong". But her strength of feelings around similar themes do point to underlying stuff. That's just normal, how humans work.

Trauma is really, really normal (I have plenty of it!). There is a lot in our society that makes this the case, and motherhood exacerbates this with the way women are pitted against each other.

The only person I actually criticised was op for taking it personally (and I was probably unfair to do that because OP likely has her own underlying issues that led to her taking SIL's different stance as an attack).

Hey, I did say "armchair". I've never met either woman. But I do think there's value in being curious about our own and other people's motivations.

You can call that pathologising I guess. But your inference that "trauma" is a negative label rather than a description of human experience was not intended by me.

TightlyLacedCorset · 13/03/2026 16:07

OP I had a bad childhood severe abuse so on and etc.

I grew up feeling MASSIVELY insecure,inadequate and easily triggered around more confident or well off people

. And would find myself judging other people and taking against them in my mind. Being jealous and envious of people who found life very obviously much easier than me. FWIW I too at that time would have absolutely despised someone like your SIL. Too goody-happy too-shoes-no struggle, completely above it all

My saving grace was cognitive therapy, I realised I was constantly living in a state of putting myself in competition with others. People who had no flippin clue I had mentally put myself in competition with them!! It was like living in a prison. I wanted to be able to share in other people's happiness, be happy if they found something easy that I found a struggle.

It's taken decades of work, but I strive very hard to challenge myself when those feelings about someone emerge. I ask myself if it's just a personality difference, or whether it's me. Occasionally I know it's me, but I am too triggered to be around that person. I accept the person is lovely person, but I cannot be around them. Other times I get around it by leaning into it, like going against the grain and helping to find that perfect rated hospital for SIL as an e.g. That works 95% of the time in diminishing jealous feelings.

You need to figure out why you are so triggered by your SIL. Is it something she has or does, that you feel you lack? Does she remind you of someone from your past? Does she make you feel inadequate by comparison? Where and how? Are you running a comparison competition in your head?

She's family. You need to work on it and being kind.

Barnsleybonuz · 13/03/2026 16:08

I totally agree with her about Mother’s Day. In fact, this year I got my mum a card and it totally passed me by that I’m a mum until one of my kids mentioned it

why shouldn’t she choose an outstanding hospital, she’s right, why go for mediocre or poor just because you can be bothered to find something better

she sounds fine to me, my kind of person, yoh sound the one with a problem

Scottishskifun · 13/03/2026 16:08

Everyone does things in their own way hers is clearly deciding not to be defined as a mummy first everything else second which is entirely her perogative.

The comments around bf aren't needed a simple it's not for her would suffice but I also don't believe anyone should be judged for how they choose to feed a baby.

As for the "like cool wives on here you don't care about porn and strip clubs" honestly some of us aren't bothered by those facts as long as lines (and not stupid spending) are held. Heck I've attended strip clubs with my DH pole dancers are impressive to watch! It doesn't cause an issue in our relationship it's not excessive/all the time (strip club is usually on a stag do!) and we are honest about things.

Maybe examine your own insecurity and take a step back from trying to read everything she says as a hidden insult!

Ponderingwindow · 13/03/2026 16:10

The only person this impacts is her child. Imagine him 20
years from now in therapy talking about how his parents just expected him to slot into their lives to the extent that he wasn’t even allowed to wish his mother a happy Mother’s Day.

she isn’t hurting you, she is only hurting her child. You need to take a deep breath and let this go.

You can’t do anything about it. It isn’t a style of parenting that justifies intervention. Hopefully she talks big, but in reality is more responsive to her child’s needs.

BauhausOfEliott · 13/03/2026 16:10

It’s exactly like all the Cool Girl wives on here who say they don’t care about their husband watching porn or going to strip clubs - I feel like she’s trying to make herself look better than all the rest of us

Why on earth do you think that, if someone feels or does something differently to the way you do it, they must be trying to make themselves look better than you?

They're not. They couldn't give a shit what you think. You're just massively insecure and for some reason take every difference of opinion (on entirely personal matters that have zero impact on your life!) as an insult.

Everyone else I know who became a Mum found a real solidarity in being real and honest with other mums about things

She IS being real and honest. She's being real and honest about her own experiences and feelings. You just can't deal with the fact that hers aren't the same as yours. Is she meant to lie to keep you happy? Why on earth should she pretend, just to fit into your definitions of what a mother should be?

You sound insecure, envious and a bit mad. So what if she doesn't like Mother's Day? What difference does it make to you if she finds breastfeeding a bit gross?

What difference does it make to you what other people's boundaries are with porn and strip clubs, come to that?! You have your marriage, they have theirs. You set your boundaries, they set theirs. Are they supposed to pretend to be bothered about their husband watching porn, just to validate your choices?

Also, the terms 'Cool Girl' and 'Pick Me' are just misogynistic nonsense. Women can do what they like, and just because they like different things to you, or don't fit your narrow definition of what a wife/mother should be, that doesn't mean they're somehow putting on a performance to please men. Why is it incomprehensible to you that they're just being completely honest about what they do/don't care about? I'm afraid I instantly lose respect for women who throw the 'Cool Girl' / 'Pick Me' nonsense at others. It doesn't come from a good place.

BauhausOfEliott · 13/03/2026 16:11

Ponderingwindow · 13/03/2026 16:10

The only person this impacts is her child. Imagine him 20
years from now in therapy talking about how his parents just expected him to slot into their lives to the extent that he wasn’t even allowed to wish his mother a happy Mother’s Day.

she isn’t hurting you, she is only hurting her child. You need to take a deep breath and let this go.

You can’t do anything about it. It isn’t a style of parenting that justifies intervention. Hopefully she talks big, but in reality is more responsive to her child’s needs.

He's not going to be fucking traumatised by his family not doing Mother's Day ffs

likelysuspect · 13/03/2026 16:12

InconvenientlyMaterial · 13/03/2026 16:02

I never said SIL was "wrong". But her strength of feelings around similar themes do point to underlying stuff. That's just normal, how humans work.

Trauma is really, really normal (I have plenty of it!). There is a lot in our society that makes this the case, and motherhood exacerbates this with the way women are pitted against each other.

The only person I actually criticised was op for taking it personally (and I was probably unfair to do that because OP likely has her own underlying issues that led to her taking SIL's different stance as an attack).

Hey, I did say "armchair". I've never met either woman. But I do think there's value in being curious about our own and other people's motivations.

You can call that pathologising I guess. But your inference that "trauma" is a negative label rather than a description of human experience was not intended by me.

I have trauma too, lots of it I also work in it too. I see it as factual but its not a term just be bandied around and pathologised. It happens a lot on here, people reaching for that label when its nothing of the sort.

Theres nothing in OP's description to suggest that anything about this woman's parenting style or personal style suggests trauma

She doesnt have a 'strength of feeling' any more than someone who does choose to breast feed or does choose to be called mummy, or didnt have an elective c section could be described as having a 'strength of feeling'

Its only seen like that if the default view and assumption is that the latter that I have described is the 'right way' and her way is something that is wrong.

AtIusvue · 13/03/2026 16:12

You were being goady OP, when you asked if your nephew had made a homemade card for her too. Then the amateur dramatics when she says she doesn’t do Mother's day.

You sound like hard work.

JLou08 · 13/03/2026 16:12

I think this is a 'you' problem. Do you have low self-esteem and compare yourself with her a lot?
There's nothing 'cool' about finding breastfeeding gross.
It's great that her DH supported her postpartum (as he should) and that she is honest about that support.
One child to a couple who are equal partners isn't that challenging usually, nothing wrong with her finding the parenting journey easy.
Nothing wrong with not adhering to social norms with mothers day.
Nothing wrong with choosing not to use the term mummy, also not really a 'cool mum' thing. Although using her first name does go into that territory, nothing else you say is.

godmum56 · 13/03/2026 16:14

rubyslippers · 13/03/2026 14:49

Why are you taking everything see does and says as a personal attack on you?!

this.

fucketyfucketyfuckerty · 13/03/2026 16:16

I had a C section, didn't breastfeed, and don't really celebrate mothers' day. Does that make me cool?

I don't think the OP is coming back to this thread 😂

Whyamiherenow · 13/03/2026 16:16

Sounds like this could have been about me except I breastfed and had a c section for medical reasons at my local hospital (treatment was excellent). DS did slot in to our lives. We do of course do some child focussed activities I wouldn’t have done before I had him. However we still do all the things we did before, DH plays pool every Tuesday, I go on girls trips etc. I went back to work full time when DS was 8 months old. No problems or issues. Pregnancy was fine, worked until the end, moved house at 7 months pregnant and did the moving the same as everyone else, pressure washed the patio a week before birth etc.

We have never celebrated Mothering Sunday much as a family. We do all get together on the Saturday beforehand and have a walk or something and I cook tea for everyone (13 this year) and get gifts for all the mums and never mums in the family. We have a nice family day. I don’t like the things other people seem to like, a lie in, crumbs in bed, DSD is a fussy eater and we have tried Sunday lunches and afternoon teas and they are more stress than they are worth for us.

If my kiddo made a card at school I would accept it but I wouldn’t expect DH to buy one for me from DS. If DH didn’t have a child from a previous marriage we wouldn’t celebrate mothering Sunday or Father’s Day.

That is our family though and isn’t yours. You should celebrate whatever brings you joy and happiness. We burn a tree every epiphany and toast marshmallows on it because it brings us joy and happiness. Mothering Sunday does not.

2O26 · 13/03/2026 16:16

Your SIL is extremely sanctimonious. She thinks she's above you pions (aka normal mothers). She must be exhausting to be around. OP, not sure why so many posters are jumping on you.

Sounds like she is uncomfortable being a mother. She has to tell the world that nothing has changed for her -she's still exactly the same person she was before she became a mother. "Methinks, the lady doth protest too much". My advice, ignore her. She is to be pitied.

Muffinmam · 13/03/2026 16:19

She sounds a little bit like me….

I didn’t have “the trenches” with my baby. I chose to have a c-section in a private hospital because the public hospitals have been responsible for unacceptable birth deaths in my city. A mother I know had her baby die due to sheer and utter incompetence of public hospital staff and she almost lost her life.

I gave my baby formula from birth.

I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day for - it’s just something that is done at school and they bring something home. I don’t make a big deal out of Mother’s Day, birthdays, Valentine’s Day or Christmas for me. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I celebrate major holidays and each birthday for my child.

I don’t demand I be celebrated on one day a year - nor do I expect gifts.

Have you considered that you just don’t like your sister in law? Therefore everything she does annoys you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread