AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

[OneOliveDeer]

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

You think a 25 year old man should consult his parents on whether to get engaged? Do not speak to his girlfriend about this. What on earth would you say? its not your business

Are you close to your DS Op?

I have a son I'm close to and he tells me everything, so I sort of get it, if that's the case. I'd be hurt if he didn't tell me he was going to propose, not because he was proposing, but because he'd normally tell me everything.

The only reason I can think that he didn't tell you first, is that you knew you'd react like this. No excitement, just judgement and negativity. Do you even like his fiance?

He's an adult, let him make his own mistakes, his own decisions, let him live his life.

My now DH proposed to me 2 months after we met. We married 3 months later. We had literally no money at all but were in love and wanted to be together.

We have now been married 46 happy years.

Come on @OneOliveDeer
Engage with your own thread for goodness sake.

You are going to be the mother in law from hell if you carry on like this.
Let him live his life as he wishes and be happy for him.

why do i get the feeling that the OP is going to ruin the wedding planning by attempting to invite all her friends.

I wonder if there's a correlation between the percentage of votes that the OP is being unreasonable and the probability of the OP never coming back.

If there is, we're never going to hear of @OneOliveDeer ever again.

Your task here OP is to be on the welcoming committee, not the selection panel.

It is inappropriate for you to speak to his fiancee, except to warmly embrace her and give her your best wishes in joining the family.
Likewise, your son only needs your congratulations and support. It is one of the happiest times of his life.

I think this should get the prize for the best comment on the thread. . .

Really?

He is a 25 year old man...not a child.

He does not need to "inform" you or get approval on how he leads his life.

I think you need to take a good look at your reaction because it is not healthy.

Are we witnessing the birth of a nightmare MIL here in real time?

This is a plopper thread.

what do you mean "without informing you"? In previous sentence you write he "announced" it, so you have been informed?

If you meant he should have told you before the proposal then don't be ridiculous.

Possibly didn't tell you as you're a little too in his business and he was wary of a negative reaction. I wouldn't expect my children to tell me in advance, that's a little wet. They're supposed to do what they want and it's hardly romantic if he's briefed you on it first. Give the man some space.

I got engaged when I was 19 and we were still students, believe me we had no finances! If he was living with a girlfriend and had a low would that bother you? We just continued to do what we would have done but we were engaged. Went about doing the jobs and careers we would have, rented a flat and had very little money, then when we were in our late 20’s we had a small wedding, bought a house and had 2 kids. We are now an average, pretty financially comfortable 45 year old married couple, reshared less of whether we got engaged at 19 or 30 years old. Let him live his life!

Financially ready? It costs £56 for a statutory ceremony in a register office and £42 each to register.
I'd stay very quiet if you want to be invited to the wedding!

His life. His choices. Why on earth would he inform you he planned to propose?

Unless you are supporting him financially or expected to contribute towards the wedding it's nothing to do with you. If he's not independent at 25 (unless there are any SEN) that reflects badly on you.

I guess unless he is planning on living with you after he is married or asking you to pay for the wedding then it's up to him. Understandable you feel sad he didn't tell you before but maybe he was worried you would try and stop him. He is a grown man now. Best you can do is make sure he's not expecting you to be financially responsible for them going forward and try and get to know her. She might be good for him!

Yeah, he doesn’t tell you everything and nor should you wish him to.

Brilliant @GoldbergVariations

I'm assuming he is living independently and not at home or relying on you financially?

What age did you decide to get married and have children OP? Would you have run those decisions past your parents?

If he still lives with you and plans to bring his new wife to your home, then yes he should jolly well have discussed it with you. Likewise if he expects you to pay for the wedding. Otherwise, he's 25 and certainly doesn't have to ask your permission or consult you. He obviously has his reasons.

Blows my mind that you think you should be told before he actually proposes? Surely both halves of the couple should know before anyone else should be told?

If he lacks finances, that’s his look out. They’ll had to cut their cloth - both in terms of the wedding and where they live etc. They’ll work it out or otherwise have a long engagement whilst they save.

Not your problem!

Obviously he doesn’t get to move her in with you without your say so, but I don’t think anyone has suggested this? Don’t worry about things that haven’t happened!