AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

Bollocks are all those 500 ppl going without their other halves

my understanding is that plus ones are for those not in committed relationships who might want to bring along a random on the day - new gf/bf, a mate m. People who have been together 20 years are not a plus one

fwiw I've not been invited to weddings my DH has - but only when it's been someone who is part of his hobby group which I have no involvement in which is fine as I ti t know them at all. This is entirely different - OP has known all these ppl for ages

As for the weird single woman, i would asked wtf to her when she posted that. Drunk or not thats a very bizarre comment to post.

I find it very hard to believe they are having a 500 guest wedding. That is a LOT! It will cost a fortune. And there's just no way those people are all there without their partners. None at all.

So find out what's really happening.

A wedding of 500 guests and there’s no plus ones?! I don't think i could muster up 50 friends and acquaintances if they didn’t bring their other halves!

This all sounds very weird if you've been together 20yrs, unless DH having an affair, do you get horribly drunk and start singing show tunes or something? I really can’t see any reason to exclude you from such a large event. And it’s weird your DH isn’t standing up for you - mine wouldnt go if i wasn’t invited.

I’m wondering why your partner is t annoyed about the Instagram post. I’d be fuming if a man did that to me - it would be removed with an apology issued to me and my husband. It’s extremely disrespectful.

I found the casual ‘I can’t go with him because I have to look after the kids’ a very telling sentence about your partnership. Assuming they’re his kids. Do you have a ‘traditional’ partnership op - one of those ones where you have to do all the unpaid labour, and he’s in charge and does what he likes?

I don’t know a single person in a relationship that has lasted 2 decades who would attend a wedding without that partner.
My husband wouldn’t go, wouldn’t make a fuss, their day, invite who they like, he just wouldn’t go without me.

Something is off about the whole thing and if a woman captioned that about my husband I’d want to know what he had done to give her the sense of security in thinking it was acceptable. If genuinely nothing, which I doubt I’d believe anyway without very concrete proof, she’d be told do it once, we let it slide, any more notions about my husband publicly then Im coming for her and it won’t be pretty.

I think your partner not having your back here is so shitty. I’m not saying LTB but I am saying that this needs addressing, you deserve better than this. If things don’t improve likely you’ll get the ick anyway.

I’d feel hurt as well and let down by my partner and it’s really shitty to be excluded from the wedding in this way. Your partner needs to be sticking up for you.

They've invited every single person they have ever met and not you. So either they really don't like you, or your partner doesn't.

It just doesn’t sound to me as if any of the group is invited to the wedding as such — they’re just evening invites?

This!

And he needs to stop allowing the excluding behaviour

Have you actually seen that response? If you have then probably they don’t like you / using your husband and don’t like him. Or it’s not true and he’s using that as an excuse so he can go with the OW

either way he doesn’t sound like he’s very loyal and minds you being treated unfairly by his mates and disrespected by the “crazy” woman

Also, you’re hardly a “plus one” after a long standing marriage with children. You’re someone they know and should be invited by name!

What the hell was that Instagram caption from this woman all about? He should have told her to remove it. Totally inappropriate.

I'm amazed that two people can rustle up 500 people without including any plus ones and as you've been together 20 years I am also amazed that you don't warrant an invitation in your own right.Surely after 20 years most of your friends are largely mutual and joint?

If your partner cares about your feelings at all he should be re-evaluating these friendships.

As usual, some people are deliberately missing the nuance...

I have been to weddings as part of a friendship group where the only +1s have been people actively involved in the friendship group. There were obviously other couples there. No problem.

My partner has a friendship group I've met a few times who live in a different area. If one of them was to (re) marry (we're all 50s and 60s), I wouldn't expect to be invite because their friendship spans decades and I've met them half a dozen times. No problem.

When my partner and I marry, we will invite work colleagues/friends but probably ouldnt include +1s for those people because we don't knpw them. But would invite +1s for closer or mutual friends.

Of course decisions need to be made to manage numbers.

But this is a friendship group the OP presumably has socialised with more than halfa dozen times in the past 20 years; she was part of the group chat until they deliberately set up another without her in it; a new single woman was joined who has posted on IG and who is invited; the OP's husband is saving them in the region of ££££s by providing his services and equipment. His wife's meal of ££ should be a) irrelevant and b) a courtesy.

What the husband should have done (IMO) is turn down the request to provide his services.

Either there is a specific reason why the OP isn't welcome (likely related to the new woman) or her husband isn't exactly a valued friend and is being used for his services.

The fact other people can think of a time when they or their partner was invited to a wedding without a +1 is irrelevant. Each case is individual.

The blokes only chat wouldn't bother me, the rest of it i would be very peed off with. The insta post is unacceptable in my view. They want to use things from your house for a wedding you are not invited to? Sod that! Oh and my ex said the woman making a play for him was a bit crazy, until he left me for her that is. Sorry I know its not easy to walk away from an established relationship but its definitely time for a good talk

It wasn’t a blokes only chat though, @Climbingrosexx

Yes !!!

But she was an absolute bitch to the bride to be so not unexpected

You're missing the point that there are 500 people invited! Have you ever been to a wedding of 500 where there are no partners or plus ones?

Yes, obviously there are small weddings where only close friends and family might be invited, but not weddings of 500 people.

Then I think I'd definitely expect both to be invited tbh. To an actual wedding, it numbers are limited then I can see why, but for the evening do.

I haven't missed any point.

My point was that it isn't unusual for no +1s (which is why I and other people have been to those weddings) but it is unusual in this case for many reasons. That being one of them.

Dh has a friend group and we have a group chat with the friends and partners and then the men have a separate group chat. A lot of the time they meet up on their own occasionally we all go (usually if it’s a bbq /meal) But we would absolutely all be included on wedding invites.
But if it’s the case that no partners are invited (unless they have a separate friendship/relationship to B or G) then I’d just accept that. But I would be concerned about the new friend to the group her insta post was inappropriate

This is very off Op I’m sorry. Your husband is not behaving well towards you here and I don’t want to jump to conclusions about the reasons for that but there is something not right. I think you know this yourself. Is he one of those wankers who is still trying to pretend he is 22 not 42?

If there are 500 people going to the wedding event, I cannot see why the partner of the person lending equipment would not be included. I would be viewing the pub group and the wedding separately if I trusted my partner - and you not being invited to this wedding is just not acceptable. He needs to sort that if he is loaning equipment. Do you know any of the other partners you could ask yourself- rather than wait to see what your partner says?

It's a wedding for 500 people with no plus ones (who even KNOWS that many people?!). DP is providing equipment. He's accepting that you're not invited.
I'd be furious with DP as well as with the WhatsApp group members. They are allowing you to be excluded. It's not your fault, OP. Fight your corner.