AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

Or just 'Do you think this is post is appropriate given that I am his partner of 20 years and we have children together? WTF? Sort yourself out.'

My horrible hunch is they are letting him bring his plus one of choice ...

Sorry op. I hate it when MN makes trouble in a marriage, so I wouldn't say that lightly, but I really cannot get past that caption she posted. And the fact he has left it there.

^ this. Op needs to call this stupid home whrecker out.

This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.

What did I just read? That's pretty blatant.

Exactly.

Sounds to me like it's your OH who is excluding you. I can smell the bullshit.

I’d think the friends are all aware of an affair with your DH and the new friend/gushy woman, the chat group was to allow it without your knowledge.
These ppl are not your friends.
Id be be raging if I saw a post like that but then again my DP isn’t a cunt & respects me.

Normally I read these kind of posts and think the woman is being a bit precious and clingy but you are definitely not in the wrong here OP.

Simple. No invitation, no sound and lighting equipment.

You mean he said it was. It could also have just been a chat group without the op.

Completely reasonable to feel very hurt by it all. I'm afraid the issue isn't just his friends, it's him. That Insta post is pretty blatant. His response, from the cheaters handbook of 'them bitches is crazy', was as outrageous as the post.

It seems that he's cheating, and they all know it and are enabling it. I'm gathering from your posts that you've a kid (teenager) but aren't married? You need to look at your financials so you know your position, then sit him down and start the conversation with 'this is your only chance to be honest with me, obviously you think I'm dumb enough to accept your ridiculous explanations when clearly you're cheating'.

Too much of this isn’t adding up.

They went to the effort of setting up a new WA group just to exclude you?

You’ve only just met this woman, but there is a photo of her kissing him from a while back?

A wedding for 500 people, no invites have gone out, but you know the OW is invited, and that you are apparently the only person not invited.

Despite having a wedding for 500 people, they are using him for equipment to save some money.

Someone isn’t telling the truth here. I predict at some point there will be an affair added to this story. Maybe when OP updates us as she has said she would, we’ll find out some more.

Sorry but this is absolutely horrible. So many red flags here:

You can't go out because you "have to look after the kids" but your partner can?
Your partner said there was a "blokes only" chat that you are mysteriously excluded from, but only recently?
Yet it turns out this chat strangely includes all the other blokes' female partners plus a new single woman? In other words, he lied that it was 'blokes only', yes?
The new single woman has posted a dodgy Instragram post that heavily implies she is or thinks she is in some kind of relationship with your partner?
But he says, as per "The Script" that she's just "crazy" and brushes it off?
Everyone else except you is apparently going to the large wedding of friends of your partner?
Including your partner and this woman?
And your partner is saving them thousands by providing equipment?
Yet your partner tells you they have said 'no plus-ones'? Did you see this message yourself?

The fact that you are asking if this is reasonable or not and things don't quite add up suggests to me you may have been gaslit by him for some time now into accepting as normal his treating you badly. It has the ring of an abusive man and you being the "boiling frog" to it, I'm afraid. That his friends appear to be enabling his treatment of you here says very little good about them either. It's all pretty blatant.

How awful. No you're not unreasonable to be hurt, and yes, I think you need to start getting you ducks in a row. This is not on.

My thoughts exactly @BoredZelda

So even though your partner is doing them a massive favour you’re not invited to the wedding. Fuck that. If I was your partner I’d be telling them he wouldn’t be doing this unless he was being paid market rate or you were formally invited. Seems very wrong if you’ve been together 20 years and have DC.

Wow so they’re just using him? So he will need to take the equipment, I’m assuming set it up, look after it for the night and then take it back down? They don’t sound like your husband’s friends either OP. It sounds like they haven’t invited you because they expect him to be working at the wedding for free.

This. Totally.

Of course you invite someone’s long-term partner of 20 years to a wedding, whether you know them or not. Never heard such BS. Whatever is going on w the OP, as a general statement that is nonsense. Maybe if someone has only just started a relationship that’s different, i know now-DH went to a friend’s wedding when we first got together but that’s different as we’d literally been going out a matter of weeks. I also invited a new boyfriend of a friend to the evening do only for the same reason- not long term.

My husband would never ever go to an event such as this where I am not invited. It's utterly bizarre! The etiquette is to bring your partner. No way would I go without my husband, either. Absolutely no way would I allow them to use mt equipment, either! Your husband needs to charge them like he would any other person!

However, I wonder if he's going as a DJ and not as a guest? Still...it's utterly bizarre.

This picture situation needs to be deleted. Report it to IG and have your hubby also report it, or tell this hussy to take it down! Entirely inappropriate! She's either unhinged, or he's f*cking her. I think you need the truth and to push for it. If your husband has any decency and moral backbone he will stand up for you and what's right.

On the old "pub chat" group, were you an active member or not? Did you ever meet up with any of the others in smaller groups or message them separately?
It's possible that this was a situation of "his friends" that evolved into a wider circle of friends that you never crossed the threshold from partner of friend to actually being friends with the others.
I'd still expect a wedding invitation though.
Who introduced the new female friend to the group and how come she's wnagled a wedding invitation after a few months when you're excluded after 20 years?
Do you have your own separate friendship group and is your DH friends with them/their partners?

Ffs

Omg, responses like this shock me. It’s like people can’t function independently from their partners and will fuck their friends over to ensure they remained joined at the hip

ifs Like some parallel universe to me. And 99 times out of 100 it’s women trying to elbow their way into their male friends friendship group as they’ve none of their own,

To be honest, I wouldn't particularly see this as you are not invited. He's asking specifically about the teen. So my interpretation is its a definite no for teen as no kids and, in case you think teen doesn't count, no plus 1s either. But i would expect you to be named on the invite. That said, if your partner was in any doubt he probably should have checked then.

Regarding the other stuff, yes you are being excluded. But I'm not entirely sure its not you partner doing it. And things definitely sound dodgy with the other woman. At best he is liking the attention and doesn't want you around while she flirts. At worst, he has or is thinking about acting on it. She might be crazy. Doesn't mean he won't go there.....

Sorry but i think your Husband is up to no good with this woman and the rest of the group know about it.

He is keeping you away from the woman.
Either you both go or no one goes.
If he goes alone you ltb.

He is lying through his teeth