AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

Kind of isn't the point though is it.
They have been a couple for two decades and she hasn't even been invited. That's bang out of order in my books its normal for couples to be invited to things together unless theyve not been together long at all.
After the initial invitation it is up to the individual if they want to go or not.

@Oldknowe, none of this adds up. I believe you’re being marginalized and lied to by your Partner. He is likely involved with this newly single OW and is sidelining you to keep you in your lane. I’d be investigating his phone (out of his presence) to get to the truth.

He lied to you about the new group being strictly for men. I don’t believe that you aren’t invited to the 500-strong wedding reception. Not only is P doing the couple a huge favor by providing the integral equipment, but you have always been a part of the previous group chat and are known to the bride and groom.

As for the OW, publicly posting the ‘couple photo’ and true love caption was brazen and beyond inappropriate. She clearly felt confident that P would be okay with that. His telling you that ‘She’s crazy’ is part of the Script.

I think P is engineering all this subterfuge because he is at it with OW and wants to be with her at the wedding. I hope you can get to the bottom of this, @Oldknowe.

Even the most devoted of partners can change the narrative of their life and/or compartmentalise different parts of their life when their head has been turned. One possibility is that your partner's head has been turned and to justify his behaviour he will be telling others lies about you. About you being a nag, for instance, or controlling. That could be the reason why the friends are not inviting you. He obviously lied about the 'blokes only' chat.

He's not expecting you to question any of these strange events. When you do, be prepared for some resistance. If I'm right, and he's been compartmentalising, then anything which threatens it will be psychologically jarring for him and he will go on the defensive.

Sorry OP but it's very likely they are having an affair, everyone knows about it and the wedding will be a lovely day for the pair of them.

This

500 guests and no plus ones? Thats unlikely. I’d have gone crazy at that insta post! I’m not sure you are getting the full story here.
He wouldn’t be going to that wedding, let alone doing them a massive favour by setting up and lending his equipment. They seem to want him to get together with the new, fun, drinking woman…..

Your partner is having an affair with that woman. And his friends know and are assisting.
That insta post plus the exclusion from WhatsApp and the wedding.
It's because she's on there/ is going to the wedding.
You're not included because you are in the way is my bet
Sorry if this sounds harsh and i really hope i am wrong.

Yesh op your partner is almost definitely shagging the new girl, I’m sorry to say.

It does all seem off. I would investigate further. 💐

Not wanting to focus on the wrong thing here but...How does your partner have a teenage son (you said his son, not our son) if you've been together for 20 years?

I am shocked at his response to that.

Your husband would be crazy to lend his equipment when there want to treat him so poorly AND you so poorly too.

The IG post is also TOTALLY off to the point id assume/ suspect an affair and investigate

In his shoes I would not be going to that wedding (thats me personally)

He is letting his friends treat you poorly - not okay.

I say this as someone who had similar from the dhs friends.
It took him a minute but he found his backbone and he dealt with it now he see a few of the blokes 1;1, theres one couple we.socialise with and thats about it.

Everyone’s jumping to affair which is the norm on here, but it’s clear the groom has said no plus ones and no to the son. So it’s not the ops partner keeping her from going

op, I don’t feel your part of this group, thays the issue, it’s his friends, not yours, and you don’t join them, so even though a big group attending as you’re not a friend, I can see how I fhey reach their limit it would be a no to more. It is not personal.

as for the woman, she does sound over the top but quite frankly some women can be like this and they normally behave like that round men they don’t fancy , the ones they do, they are more discreet round,
im not saying they aren’t having an affair. But I’d really not take the post as confirmation.

Agree with this completely.

I don’t agree with this at all, he is not letting them treat her poorly, thays a ridiculous thought, they are not her friends and she doesn’t join them, she is not entitled to go to their wedding simply as he is going, yes it would be lovely if she was invited, but she is not part of the friendship group, it’s his friends, and clearly fhey have a lot of people going, and have hit upon a max number, and that’s ok, it’s not personal

it’s awful fo suggest he should leverage helping his friend as a way to shoe horn her in and get her an invite or refuse to go.

because she is not one of the friends, she simply isn’t. And she’s not entitled to an invite,

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Partner of 20 years? I mean, it's fine that you have separate friends but after all that time id say you're a package deal for big events.

I think wait until the invitations go out and then ask the other partners if they’re invited.

If they are, then DH needs to take a stand and not attend the wedding and not lend the equipment.

If DH does attend, then he is fine with you being excluded and is happy with his friends lying to ensure you don’t attend.

I can see both sides - I've been with my husband 20 years and I'm not friends with his friends, think boring geek types which does not interest me. So I wouldn't be upset not being in the group. Being married to someone doesn't automatically mean you also need to be friends or part of the friend group.

But I know that if they ever got married, I’d be invited. And if I wasn’t, my husband simply wouldn’t go. It’s a respect thing—his friends respect him, and he respects you.

No, you’re not being unreasonable to feel excluded! These people are adults who appear to be harbouring a secret society!
There is more to this than your OH is letting on. How can a fabulous event involving 500 people be so bloody exclusive that it doesn’t include the partner of the bloke lending his, probably valuable, sound system? That’s just fucking nuts!

Someone is stringing someone along and the OP partner is being very dodgy about socialising with this ‘friendship group’…….secret chat group my arse!!! They sound like 10 year old children!

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I think it’s your dp who is at fault here.
He lied to you about the chat group. If he can lie to you then he absolutely can lie to the woman who posted the image of them as a couple. He will also be lying to the bride and groom. Probably telling them that you are unsociable and don’t want to go to their wedding.
I do not believe that a couple who have asked to borrow equipment saving them £££ having a reception for 500 people, would refuse to invite the partner of 20 years. Think about it. The cost of inviting you versus the cost of them having to pay to hire the equipment.
If your partner cared at all about you, he would not be lending them the equipment.
Look through his phone, read the messages. Prepare for the worst as I also do not believe that the woman would post like that without any grounds at all.
Either your dp is already having an affair or wishes he was.

Your partner needs to not lend them the equipment.

He doesn’t respect women and he doesn’t respect you. “Crazy” woman (calling women crazy, very classy) and he are close and he’s hurting her too. Get rid

I'd be furious with DH if a woman had done what she had done, and he still kept hanging around with her.

Seriously, why is he ever around the woman?

How do they know 500 people without that including their partners or children?

That's a lot of people! Assuming they are not inviting anyone's partners or children,and they genuinely know 500 people, then I guess they are reasonable in not wanting upwards of 1500 people there.... But it's fairly unbelievable isn't it?

I'd feel mildly hurt about the lack of wedding invitation, but the Instagram post and your husband's lack of action on it would drive me insane. I think it's very, very unlikely that the woman posted that if there was nothing between them, and if she did, your husband should have immediately been in touch with her telling her to remove it and expressing his distaste for her lack of respect for you.
I mean, imagine if someone posted that about you! There's no way you'd be casual about it.
I do wonder whether they're together and pretty established as a couple in that friend group. Sorry OP.