AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

Are you sure he is invited? Sounds like they are just using him and he isn’t a guest either.

Also it can’t be that big and glamorous wedding if no plus ones are invited and they are borrowing equipment and labour for free.

Are you believing everything your partner is saying or have you seen this information yourself?

Agree with this. He is probably telling her that you are crazy too.

This @Oldknowe I think being ‘no plus ones’ is all well and good. But not really when they’re out for a massive money saving favour!

Also what did your partner say when, after him saying it was a blokes only new group, you found out there were other partners on there?

He's said nothing is or will be happening with the woman and he thinks she's a bit crazy.

How many times have we heard this on here? Every single time they are shagging the "crazy" woman.

💯

I know it's going to sound crazy but I'd not stress myself id take his phone with him knowing and look through the full conversation then you'll know what's what. Clearly not just mens group , he just clearly doesn't want you in it and that begs the question why.
Work on your boundaries don't be scared to say how you actually feel about all of this , because I feel your too nice.
Also if he's allowing another woman to disrespect your marriage publicly then what's going on privately. Your guts telling you something ain't right here so listen to it.

For context, whose are the children?

So you aren't doing anything to actually maintain your friendship with them, and never actually socialize with them, but expect to be invited?

Yes why do people put it all on the other person or groups? some think they can sit back and it lands in their lap as in having a partner is an accessory and whatever comes with that is theirs

I would say to him I just don’t know how I’m supposed to get over this if you’re helping out at this wedding, you’re basically telling them it’s fine to treat your partner of 20 years like shit.

how much of this do you think is him op? Because maybe 20 years is too long to have put up with his treating you badly and being fine with his friends treating you badly. It’s really hard to tell but he’s certainly not stood up for you over a long period of time with his ‘it’s just a blokes chat’ and ignoring that totally inappropriate message. All up it’s too much and if he goes to the wedding and the woman he hasn’t shut down goes I’d think about asking him not to come home.

Have you ever even heard of a wedding where a good friends wife of 20 years wasn’t invited?

I'm sorry OP but this sounds like a lie to me. 500 guests, no plus ones, and only verbal invitation?

Then his response should have been ‘no thanks’.

I don't go out very often as I have the kids

But aren't the children yours and your partner's together (since you mentioned being together for 20 years and the teenager who's not invited to the wedding is both of yours)? How can he go out so much but you can't?

I’d be more concerned that I was invited but he wants to go with OW and I’d be going to her and telling her straight out don’t put up pictures of my partner he’s spoken for and if I find out you try it on with him you will be sorry. I’d also ask the couple have you been invited, something fishy is going on, I’m sorry to say.

I wouldn't go after initially not being invited, but I agree something isn't right. Is your partner going to the whole day?
I thought you were a new GF and on your way out, not 20 years deep. DH wouldn't be going, let alone volunteering effort and equipment if I wasn't included when 500 others were. They can't all be close friends and family. Something is going on and I'll bet others partners are included if 500 people are going.

This sounds really odd. Your partner should be sticking up for you. Why the hell is he helping with the wedding when they don’t like him enough to respect his partner of 20 years? Or like you?!
Have you done anything to be disliked?

Either your partner is being used or he is lying to you. Find out which one and go from there.

I was going to say this as well.

@Oldknowe I think your partner already got his +1. Sorry OP but if I were you I would mentally prepare for the worst. I think it's him having set up a new group because all his friends know about the other woman. You need to get to his phone without him knowing to get confirmation but it's pretty clear what's happening from the outside.💐

Fuck that OP. Just fuck the whole thing and whole lot of them. I'd LTB personally, not even kidding.

Having separate social time and different friend groups is normal, healthy even. I can also understand if your partner wants time with his friends without you. Not being on every WhatsApp group is also fine—a partner would usually share anything important if the relationship is trusting and supportive.

Not being invited to the wedding is understandably hurtful and a bit odd, but it isn’t your day, and it sounds like your partner is being supportive.

What would concern me more and where my brain would run wild, is the idea that your partner’s friends might be encouraging a single woman to flirt with him. After those posts, did anyone actually question her about it or contact you? I’d find that post disrespectful and would want to know if it was just a drunken thing, or if your partners friends (and it seems your friends) are condoning and maybe encouraging her behaviour. With the issues all together, I’d worry I was being kept in the dark about something and I’d need extra reassurance and support from my husband about it.

If my husband was invited to a wedding without me I would say to him hope you have a great time and do something myself, why do partners need to be joined at the him and if not beinginvited to a wedding devstates and makes you obessed this much about someone elses wedding I would have to suggest you have a good look at yourself and work on whatever issues you have, if this is genuinley normal to be this upset over w eddung then god help society we have bigger problems than we realise

and he is a grown up if he doesnt want women flirting with him he tell them to stop. but being needy wont stop anything

What has your partner said about the instagram post?

I would be fuming about this! Especially that instagram post wtf.
sorry but if they are going to blatantly exclude you like that for no apparent reason your partner should be taking your side not helping them more.
what a bunch of arseholes.