AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

Thanks, yes, he's quite shocked about it, it's gone from a great evening with all his mates to a bit of a minefield.
Of course we don't really know that's why I'm excluded, it was the only thing he could think of as to why.
He just wants everyone to get on and have some fun together.

It sounds like he could be having an affair with this new woman and the friend group are encouraging it. It’s very weird to exclude you, they could have created the new group for this purpose. Very very strange that he’s going to a wedding you are not invited to let alone helping out with it. OP you need to start moving in the shadows, find out what’s going on and protect your future, possibly seek legal advice before he knows you are on to him. Good luck

It really doesn’t sound like that. Good grief.

It does.

It’s a shame your husband doesn’t seem to have your back at all with this but, honestly, reading how he’s only really invited himself because he’s useful to them re the music, and he seems somewhat grateful for this due to it being such an amazing party etc, I get the feeling he’s quite wet generally.

I expect once his usefulness has been expended, that will be the end of the friendship, but what remains will be the fact that your partner is, imo, very disloyal.

A party and a vague acquaintance in the shape of a woman with terrible boundaries over his wife’s feelings is poor prioritising indeed, despite all his ‘you and the kids are my world’ protestations.

Actually it does.

My first husband cheated on me with another employee. All the staff in his department knew about it and covered for him.
He went to great pains to make sure I didn't bump into any of them. (It was hardly likely because I worked into another area 15 miles away) Once he forgot his glasses and I rang him at work offering to drop them in for him at reception. He told me I didn't need to do that and made some excuse about "he didn't need them anymore for reading because his eyesight was better now".
I was puzzled by this because it didn't make sense.

Some time later I passed an opticians in the town I worked in and saw they had a collection box for old glasses for the Sightsavers Charity.
That night I collected some old glasses of mine and took them (along with his glasses) and donated them all the next day.

When he asked where his glasses were I told him. He didn't say a lot but I could tell he was mad. I pointed out that, as they were no use to him anymore then they could help someone else !

This and many other odd occurrences was what made me suspicious and I eventually caught him out cheating.

People are obsessed with cheating on here, it is crazy levels. There is nothing to indicate this man is cheating or having an affair. So everyone needs to dial it down. And he didn’t invite only himself.

it’s clear she is not close to the bride and groom, and irrelevant of why they have 500 people they have cut the line here, there is likely others, yes it’s sad, but this isn’t a case of he doesn’t have her back she doesn’t socialise with them, doesn’t invite them out, or make any effort socially.

@Wildgoat "People are obsessed with cheating on here, it is crazy levels. There is nothing to indicate this man is cheating or having an affair."

That's what everyone says until it happens to them 🙂

There isn't a single scenario on MN that doesn't lead to someone posting "I really don't want to say this, but have you thought that maybe his head has been turned or there's another woman?"

It's the old "if you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail" thing.

It's pretty obvious from the OP's updates that her TERFdom is the key factor here.

Are you really this naive?

There isn't a single scenario on MN that doesn't lead to someone posting "I really don't want to say this, but have you thought that maybe his head has been turned or there's another woman?"
There usually is another woman.

@Oldknowe Your dh needs to let them know he won't be able to help them out since his wife has been excluded. I wouldn't forgive my dh for not standing up for me.
Having said that I would let him go on his own once I had the invite to decline. It's not about them It's about him standing up for you.

Course you’re not. People without a coherent argument never do. They just pretend it’s all about being Trans rather than bring male that’s the problem as they know most people agree with our position. Throwing out phobic accusations is all you’ve got.

But yet fine to use them for free DJ services?

Hypocrisy at its finest.

Is it possible that OW is Trans?

You could be on to something there.....🤔

I suppose it is possible and I did consider connections like that when we found out I wasn't invited. Before I learnt of the Terf T-shirt stuff.
At the moment I think the incidents are unconnected. There are at least three other wives who are not in the chat and don't regularly go out with the group, one has never met the group at all as their children are much younger.

From what OP says, it sounds like it was one like this.

Crazy that women stating a biological fact are being accused of being bigots and proclaiming hatred.

Yes, but this time there's a nail shouting: "Coo-ee, come over here, hit me with it!

No. I already said that's out of order. Unless the husband has made clear he doesn't share those views and would like to be there anyway. In which case there's a problem with their relationship, not the lack of invitation for the OP.

Just to remind everyone that TERF is classed as a slur: See disgusting comments directed at women using the acronym TERF here

Sounds to me like you've dodged a bullet there @Oldknowe You've inspired me to get a FWS badge 🥰 No way in hell would my husband be providing something for the wedding when they excluded me. They should pay for it themselves!

Finally, thank you.

So some people find this T-shirt offensive?

I just take the view of live and let live. People can identify with whatever they want to be as long as it isn't hurting anyone else.

And, no. I wouldn't wear that T-shirt. I don't wear T-shirts with slogans on.

I too take the view of live and let live and do what you want as long as it isn't hurting anyone else.
Living by that means I have been labelled a Terf.
Women, children and LGBs are being hurt.
I don't wear T-shirts, especially not with slogans, unless I'm going to a Women's rally like Let Women Speak.

Why did you stay, out of interest? Seems odd to hang about chatting with middle class, radicalised mothers whom you hold in such contempt.