AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

It’s a TERF t-shirt. No assumptions were made, the t-shirt is a well known and overtly politicised garment.

OP has since confirmed she’s a TERF. The bride does not like TERFs, so has not invited her to her wedding.

So is the kudos among his mates more important to him than you, his long-term partner? And that he's okay with this bridezilla insulting you behind your back, but in front of him and everyone else?

He also needs to think about the fact that these people are users, and they only want him there for his sound/light system. He plus others are providing things for free at their wedding which would otherwise cost them a fortune. Yet they aren't even prepared to invite them to the wedding itself, and don't want to offer any more than a few drinks as a thank-you, let alone invite plus ones.

I think you just have to take it for what it is- she doesn't want to pay for dinner or drinks to host someone she doesn't socialise with and whose politics she finds offensive. That's fair enough. And I say that as a fellow terf.
Very cheeky though to be asking your husband to help if she has made it plain she dislike his wife. Your husband seems generally good but he needs to cop on and tell her he can't help and to now out.

Yes, I'm smelling a rat here....
I'm sorry OP but you need to keep your eyes and ears open...

It’s really not that unusual a view that biological women’s rights are considerably more important than male delusions, confusions or fetishes.

I agree.

This sounds improbable.

500 people ?? Do they all work for Ryanair and his friend has invited all the terminal staff? Are they holding it in an aircraft hanger?

If they can afford to host so many people why don't they have a firm do the lighting/disco etc.?

As Judge Judy would say - "if it doesn't sound right it probably isn't"

If I were your husband, I wouldn't be lending equipment or helping to set up the wedding of someone who excluded my wife and called her names behind her back. Fuck that. It's interesting to see that this woman's "principles" don't preclude her from asking for freebies!

Honestly, I think your husband is being a bit wet. Why does he care so much what his mates think when they don't have his back? And he doesn't have yours either...

This.

Did he explain the lovey-dovey post with the "crazy woman" ?

With no basis for this, I've suspected from the beginning that they're selling tickets to their amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending. Hoping to cover their wedding costs by charging the guests, who'll feel like they're missing out or being churlish if they tell the happy couple to fuck off. Free disco = more profit for them (and them, it's a genderless wedding!)

This is a completely random guess - but do let me know if I'm right 😉

@Oldknowe, it is troubling that your Partner wants to please these people at your expense.

The flirty woman publicly humiliated you by posting the ‘finding love’ post with the affectionate photo with P, yet he failed to read her the riot act and insist that she take it down. Likewise, he still plans to provide his services and equipment at the reception even though the bride is publicly calling you names. In my view he is massively letting you down and is clearly showing the group that they rate higher with him than you do.

How has he explained away his above disloyalty? How does he explain lying to you about the new group chat being for men only?

He is very invested in attending that reception. Knowledge is strength, so I would be examining his phone to look for his chat with Ms Flirt.

Yet if it was my wedding I wouldn't be excluding people who thought they were trans.

Yes, I suppose I don't actually know how many people have been invited, only that the venue capacity is 500 and it's been said they are inviting a lot of people.

You call other women "witches" for their political views and dare to say THEY'RE the misogynists?

Unfortunately I know and have in fact studied the TERF branch of feminism (along with many other, more progressive branches) - that's actually what led me to MN in the first place, I wanted to see for myself how middle-class British mothers became radicalised. It's been eye-opening.

But regardless of any of the above, this is simply a question of etiquette, which I thought was the other MN lodestone. I have trans friends. They will be at my wedding. I do not want to run the risk of them being exposed to language like "backwards sex stereotype cult ideology" to describe their existence. Excluding anyone who might be prone to using that language is not bullying them - it is protecting my friends from being bullied. It is the same reason that I would, and have, cut out any homophobes or racists from my social circle.

You could well have nailed it right there Sherlock !

Unless the happy couple are both as tight as a duck's arse, surely there's room for the OP ?

(I wonder if the mothers of the bride and groom are doing the catering to save money ?! 🤔)

that's actually what led me to MN in the first place, I wanted to see for myself how middle-class British mothers became radicalised. It's been eye-opening

You'll love this book, then @gannett 🙂

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Politicization-Mumsnet-SocietyNow-Sarah-Pedersen/dp/1839094710

You would invite them to your wedding while doing your best to deny who they are, while assuming you know them better than they know themselves and while also doing your best to ensure they are excluded from public life entirely because trans men and women cannot live by your rules and you will not allow them to live as they would choose. What you believe is harmful to others, that you can't see that is why some might choose to exclude you and protect and those they love.

@PlainSailingWeather
So who do you think needs 'protecting' in this scenario??

My message above was in response to this.

The fact that you think we’re all middle class and have been radicalised, shows that you don’t have a clue what you are taking about. It’s radical to think that women and girls are entitled to single sex provision? You then have the audacity to mention homophobes without the slightest bit of irony. If there is a more homophobic view than believing Lesbians should date men because they have stated that they are now women, I don’t know what it is. You’re so progressive though that you haven’t given any thought to the women who will self exclude from their own single sex space once they know it has now become mixed sex. Go you.

As others have said OP, you’ve dodged a bullet with this. Let them continue to pat themselves on the back in their “progressiveness” without you. I’d still be very disappointed in my partner though.

As far as I know I've not been excluded from the friend group, two of them have spoken to me in the past about issues they are having at work with pronouns and toilets, one of them said "good on you" when I returned from a women’s rally.
I've been excluded from the wedding reception of a couple who are friends with the friend group.
I'm not 'promoting hatred', I'm very concerned about children, women's boundaries and LGB rights.

You don't have to excuse yourself to us OP, most of us are in your corner. 🙂

It's your husband being a wimp, in this instance, that's made some of us very concerned.

I'm not getting into a bunfight about unhinged TERF projections.

Again, regardless of your opinions on trans people, what we are discussing is primarily an etiquette question.

If I have dear trans friends coming to my wedding, it is not rude, impolite or a breach of etiquette to uninvite (or not invite in the first place) someone I barely know who might offend or even abuse them.

it seems the “friends” have decided they don't appreciate your anti-trans views and perhaps particularly because you wear your view so publicly. Yet, they continue to accept favours from your husband, so one of two things has happened. One, your husband has told them that you and your views mean absolutely nothing to him, in fact he completely opposes them, or two, despite their posturing on the matter, they have absolutely no principles at all and are using your husband - and he’s happy to go along with it. Honestly, you’re better off out of all of this.

there is one small comment you made I’m wondering about. You mentioned you didn’t collect an item from the bride’s house which was intended for your son and I wondered if this has been perceived as a snub. Doesn’t change my view on your husband.