Aibu to regret leaving it so long

[CandleDrop]

This might get some hate, but I honestly regret not dating when my kids were younger.

Long story short, I’ve been a single parent for years. At the time I focused entirely on the kids and just never dated. Now they’re quite a bit older and I’m starting to realise I might actually regret that decision.

Part of it is that I now have no idea how I’d even meet anyone. Another part is that my kids are so used to it just being us that I feel like it would seem really weird to them if I suddenly had a partner. When they were younger it probably would have felt more normal, but now I think they’d be quite shocked or uncomfortable with the idea of me having a boyfriend.

The other issue is that after being single for so long I’m very set in my ways. I genuinely don’t know how I’d even begin to let someone into my life again. It makes me feel like I’ve left it too late and will just end up alone.

All the other single mums I know in real life seemed to meet someone new within a year or so. I’m also in quite a few single parent groups and most of the mums there seem to have new partners within a year or two (and they often talk about that as if it’s a long wait).

So I keep thinking that maybe I should have tried to meet someone when the kids were younger. They spend more time away from you then and it probably would have been easier to introduce someone gradually. Now I feel like they’d be horrified at the thought of me having a boyfriend.

AIBU to feel like I’ve left it too late and missed my chance?
I know I will have people telling me they’ve been single for 30 years but that just isn’t reflective of anyone I’ve ever met irl.

I think it's better to err on the side of caution and hold back from jumping into a new relationship.

Introducing someone seems strange because it's an abstract concept. I think it will likely feel different if you actually meet someone.

It's definitely not too late! I do think meeting people is hard, though. Do lots of activities that you love - you might meet someone or you might not, but either way you're living your best life.

There is no point ruminating on what could have been. What do you want now? Do you want to be with someone moving forward, or not??

I'm sure you have done a great job with your kids, but there is nothing wrong with prioritising your happiness and well-being. If they have a problem with that, it's their problem.

Maybe the best time to start dating was when your kids were younger. The second best time is now. Don't waste your time ruminating, if it's what you want get on with it.

You've prioritised your kids, well done. Exposing them to a succession of men isn't good parenting.

My mum waited, and I'm very grateful for that. She got married shortly after we all left home, 25 years ago, he's a great guy, he's family for us.

I was basically single for 10 years after I left the father of my 2 eldest DC, as I wasn't keen to bring another man into their lives. I had a few flings but nothing the kids were really aware of. I then met someone randomly and I've been with him ever since. So no it's not too late!

I don’t think you’ve left it too late. You can take small steps, there’s no need to think of introducing your kids to a new guy, you can just date someone.

Do your kids spend time with their dad?

I think there’s also a double standard in life and on MN where women are told that they shouldn’t date and should just concentrate on their kids but men get a free pass when they move their girlfriend in.

I met someone online about 18m after ex left. That was a decade ago. Kids were young primary age. We knew we weren't going to blend families. I see him when kids are elsewhere (or now they're older, we'll go out for dinner when they're at home) but he very rarely stays over when they're here. Its separate to them. We will eventually co habit but not til the kids are 'launched ' and independent. You could look at doing similar. If you find someone, don't hide it but make it not really impact them. It does depend finding a partner who is patient and like minded however. Mine adores me bit had literally never made a fuss if a week goes by without seeing me. It can be a month between overnight stays, but we make it work.

You do the right thing. You have saved your children all the unpleasant consequences that come with having a step parent that no one likes to acknowledge and you have plenty of time left to meet someone.

thanks all for not being harsh, i was prepared for some really harsh comments, i do understand what you are all saying but i still regret it i dont want a secret relationship either as my aim is to have a life partner i want to share life with someone and want to find my “forever person” but i’ve left it too late now and the ship has sailed, i really should have met someone when they were younger.

How old are you now? I don't think its ever too late to meet someone. I'm really happy being single but might be interested in someone when my kids are grown up and I'm in my 60s

It’s not clear why you think ‘that ship has sailed’, though? Your children will be becoming more independent year on year and will eventually leave home and strike out for themselves. That you are ‘set in your ways’ could be a good thing — you will have high standards for anyone you might choose to admit to your life.

You absolutely did the right thing and focussed on yourself and your children.

I don’t understand these women who jump back into long term relationships.

I know it's not a popular opinion but I agree with you. The relationships that I've seen go the distance have been the ones where the child/children were very young when the couple got together.

DC can end up living at home a lot longer these days and the older they are, the harder it becomes to introduce someone into their lives. It's too late for the man to be any kind of step father so he's just mums "boyfriend" which brings it's own issues.

As you said yourself, you become set in your ways and it makes it harder to then share your life with someone. It gets harder and harder to meet someone decent.

I'm not saying someone should rush out to meet someone and move them in pronto. It can still be done over the course of time. But I think younger DC adapt so much better to a new partner coming in. Relationships are a part of life. As long as DC aren't exposed to anything toxic, it can actually be beneficial to model a good relationship to them.

YABU. People can and do meet partners at all times of life. Your kids may or may not have an opinion, but it's your life. You don't say how old they are, but there are no guarantees they would have faired any better with you finding someone when they were younger.

You sound like you want an excuse for not having a new partner rather than putting the effort in to find someone. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it won't. But it's up to you to try if it's what you want.

Its never too late! And you didn’t meet anyone before so realistically who is to say you would have even found a life partner years ago?

Don’t live with regrets, choose now that you’re ready to look for a partner and get yourself out there. Your kids will be fine and will most likely get used to the idea and love seeing how happy a partner makes you.

A true blended family may not be likely if your kids are already quite old and won’t grow up with the paternal figure of a partner but that’s not to say he won’t be accepted and loved and included in the future!

My parents divorced when I was 19 (they were early 50's) they both went on to find new life long partners. Not sure why you think the ship has sailed, it may be that you even wait until your children are adults to find someone else, couples are splitting up all the time at all different ages and stages of life. You've likely missed the boat to get someone young without children and past partners but unless you're over 80 I think you're being a bit unreasonable to say you've missed your chance

You can meet someone at any age!

And with your kids being older… now it will have less impact on them if you do have a partner, and you’re less likely to end up having to look after someone’s else’s kids too.

I think people really underestimate the impact on children, of being made to live with their parents love interests.

Surely you wouldn’t meet someone and instantly introduce them to yours kids.

I don’t know how old your kids are but it would be at least 6 months before you start getting an idea that it’s going to progress into something more serious.

So you would keep it a secret for the first 6 months and then the next 6 months mention him as your friend.
Then after a year you can start introducing him slowly.

You don’t need to move in together and you can still have your own life.
You seem to think it’s got to be 1 or the other - either all in or all out.

There are a lot of decent men out there but finding them is the challenge.
Its pretty rare to meet your perfect man within a couple of weeks of looking.
You’re also a working single mother and so having free time is limited and so realistically this isn’t going to happen overnight.

Get on OLD and start just putting feelers out there.
Meet up with a couple to get back in the game and maybe have sex for fun.
Instead of focusing on a life partner, just focus on having fun for the next few months and then see how you feel.

Thank you, you’ve said exactly what I feel, for anyone asking this is what I mean it’s hard to put it into words but yes this is it. I don’t even feel capable of meeting someone now I’ve left it to long I don’t feel capable of putting myself back out there now. Also kids do adapt more the younger they are. I know you can meet someone when you’re 100 but realistically the older you are the harder it is to meet someone.

I don’t want to have fun, I’m not a person who can do causal relationship hence why I didn’t do them as I knew I didn’t have time to properly date when they were little. I’m not into ONS, FWB or situationships

Because no one is going to knock on my door, I mean I should have looked for one, online dating I guess, every other single mum I know had a new man very quickly.

Bluntly, you sound as if you know a lot of women with very questionable judgement if they were all moving in new partners into households with young children very quickly. Why not be satisfied that you didn’t put your children at risk or under stress from a blended family when they were little? You are where you are now. If you want a partner, go and look for one.

Online dating is a cess pit and would have been harder with little ones - organising babysitters for lots of awful awkward dates with catfish 😂

Stay positive and start now, don’t throw more time away regretting it and get yourself on the apps!