Aibu to regret leaving it so long

[CandleDrop]

This might get some hate, but I honestly regret not dating when my kids were younger.

Long story short, I’ve been a single parent for years. At the time I focused entirely on the kids and just never dated. Now they’re quite a bit older and I’m starting to realise I might actually regret that decision.

Part of it is that I now have no idea how I’d even meet anyone. Another part is that my kids are so used to it just being us that I feel like it would seem really weird to them if I suddenly had a partner. When they were younger it probably would have felt more normal, but now I think they’d be quite shocked or uncomfortable with the idea of me having a boyfriend.

The other issue is that after being single for so long I’m very set in my ways. I genuinely don’t know how I’d even begin to let someone into my life again. It makes me feel like I’ve left it too late and will just end up alone.

All the other single mums I know in real life seemed to meet someone new within a year or so. I’m also in quite a few single parent groups and most of the mums there seem to have new partners within a year or two (and they often talk about that as if it’s a long wait).

So I keep thinking that maybe I should have tried to meet someone when the kids were younger. They spend more time away from you then and it probably would have been easier to introduce someone gradually. Now I feel like they’d be horrified at the thought of me having a boyfriend.

AIBU to feel like I’ve left it too late and missed my chance?
I know I will have people telling me they’ve been single for 30 years but that just isn’t reflective of anyone I’ve ever met irl.

no i was just using the exaggerations you see on mumsnet people claiming to be single for 20/30 years! i’ve been single 10 years and that’s completely single and celibate. which i do think is long even if you don’t. i dont think there’s many people that can say they’ve been celibate for 10 years. i wont say my age as people will claim that there’s still time but there isn’t.

Op what do you want from this thread? You've had 5 pages of people telling you different ways to make it happen and trying to help you see there is more than one way to be in a relationship and you just seem dead set on your starting opinion so what's the point?

A message to other women, don’t wait like I did. You may just end up regretting it. I’m sure most people will assume they won’t but I am here to let people know it could be a big mistake. Get out there, don’t waste your life and younger years away like I did. Life is for living. Date and find a partner please don’t put your life on hold like I did you won’t get those years back.

If you feel like you want to date then go for it. No need to regret/ worry about it. Are you worried about being alone when kids have left?
I word with older people and the majority are widowed women who have built their own community/family around them.

Yet many others have told you they’ve done exactly what you did then found happy relationships, so there is nothing stopping you from doing the same. It’s not like you’ve tried to find a partner and gradually build a long-term relationship for later in life when your children fly the nest, now that your children are at an age where this is possible to do without putting them at risk/ involving them in it; you’ve simply decided it can’t be done without even attempting it.

And many others on the thread have told the horror stories of being a child growing up in a house where the parents did the opposite of what you did and behaved like your friends/ aquaintances, which should confirm to you that the earlier decision you made was correct. Statistically validated studies bear this out.

You have come through the hardest years and can now devote more time to yourself, to friends and possibly finding a partner, without negatively impacting your children. Yet clearly you feel very negative about everything hence rejecting every positive suggestion from other posters. As I said in an earlier post this indicates to me that single parenting has worn you down and you have taken huge damage to your self-esteem and clearly developed some anxieties. I would suggest seeking some therapy to work through this and get your own mental health in a good place, start building a life for yourself separate to your home life now you will increasingly have more freedom to do so, and then you will be in a much more positive position to look at dating and finding the right kind of man to make you happy rather than a rebrobate who zooms in on women who show this kind of vulnerability and desperation to be in a relationship.

Nothing you have said indicates any reason why you can’t have a very happy life and find a good long-term partner in time but this will be highly unlikely to happen if you continue being so negative and defeatist about everything rather than take any positive steps to improve the situation. Your future is largely in your own hands.

I waited 7 years to start dating and introduced him after 9 months (although he was someone we already knew casually through family friends i still kept it separate). It was all great and lovely until I found out he was a secret paedophile abusing my daughter. I regret EVERY SINGLE DAY not staying single and for putting my child in the position to be abused. Kids are older now but I will NEVER date again. It was not worth the cost to my child.

It is a very fine balancing line . In some ways it is much easier to introduce younger children to a new partner and integrate them gradually into your family life with younger kids and even move them in .

However , that is when the children need more protection from an unrelated partner of the mother . I am not for a second saying that all men are abusive . But it is something that separated mothers need to be aware of i.e sadly a minority of men will target vulnerable mothers with children . Statistically also the really tragic cases of child abuse also highlight an increased risk factor for the children, by unrelated men . These are still thankfully a small percentage , but it is something that single mothers should be aware of and take steps to place their children’s needs first . Not to never have a new relationship , but to take their time and watch out for any red flags .

Again it is generally but not exclusively , women who are left looking after the children of a relationship on their own , or at least shared care with their former partner . So they will be the ones left juggling a lot of things , not least the increased cost of running a home on their own .

As the children become older it does become more difficult as teenagers / tweens may not be happy with another adult in the home or even other children / blended families .
So I can certainly see why some parents will keep their dating life separately .

There is no one fits all answer and will depend on so many factors . But yes I do judge those parents who rush to introduce new partners / move them in / blend families . They are putting their own needs above their children .

I can however fully appreciate as a single mother myself, that it is very lonely at times and that I can also appreciate that it is exciting in the first phase of a new relationship when people do get caught up in this .

I do think that we all deserve to be happy and OP I do hope that you find a lovely partner .

Similar happened to me as a child. That’s why I would never, ever bring an unrelated man into my children’s home life. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, and so sorry for your daughter. It must be hard to live with the regret. 😣They hide in plain sight and you couldn’t have known, but this is why relationships and children should be kept separate. 😔It’s such a common story.

@CandleDrop never regret what you have done for your children. It was absolutely the right decision to protect them and prioritise them and their childhood. I have been completely on my own, deliberately, for a similar amount of time to you and have zero regrets. If I want a relationship later then I will look for one.

Now that your children are getting older you will have increasingly more freedom to do things without them so I don’t see the barrier to you building more of a social life for yourself separate to your home life and potentially, in time, gradually building a relationship with someone new. Why do you feel that isn’t possible? Other than being anxious about meeting people (which a therapist can help you with) you haven’t explained why you believe it is impossible?

@TiggersTheOnlyOne so sorry to read this about you and your daughter . It cross posted with mine . You did everything you could and it sadly still had a traumatic outcome for your family .
I hope that you and your daughter have got / are getting some support .

I've done the same as you but I don't regret it for a second. I put my children first.

Oh that’s awful, but it sounds like you did all the right things and that still happened Waiting 7 years then 9 months to introduce is usually what people would recommend so I guess it is never really safe. I’m sorry that that happened 😔

I don’t want a separate life I would like to eventually get married and live together (not straight away as I think people think I mean straight away, I don’t) but eventually I want to have a family, i had a step dad growing up and he was a good addition to our lives, he isn’t with my mum anymore but I don’t have a bad word to say about him.

It absolutely isn’t fair that women are left paying for most of children’s upbringing and doing the vast majority of child-rearing in most cases. The whole system of CMS and the way tax rates penalise single parent households needs a huge overhaul.

But it isn’t just about the abusive men. Having an unrelated adult move into your home makes most children very uncomfortable. It changes the whole family dynamic. Even having them there in the home a large amount of the time and them living elsewhere hugely changes things and disrupts things for them. This is forced on so many children and not in their best interests. Per the studies on the subject children’s experiences of step-parents are overwhelmingly negative (although of course there are exceptions, but there is no way to know in advance). Blended families even worse - vanishingly few adults who grew up in them report positive experiences, as a percentage, in the research on the matter.

People kid themselves that it’s ok but it isn’t. The children aren’t responsible for their parents separating and have already suffered for it. It’s exceptionally selfish to inflict yet more huge risks of harm on them when it isn’t necessary because the parents can pursue relationships without involving their children in it.

It’s incredibly sad that the OP thinks she’s done the wrong thing when she should be very proud of doing the right thing for her children and I am sure, once they are adults, they will be immensely grateful for this, once they realise how she has protected them. And now the hardest part is done, she can look to the future with the prospect of far more freedom to prioritise her own needs and wants without a detrimental impact on her children, so I don’t understand why she doesn’t think that she can pursue the future she wants.

But you must understand that’s not the majority experience. You were lucky that it worked out like that when you were a child. There is no way to know if it would if you had introduced a new man into your children’s lives when they were younger and the odds aren’t good.

Nobody is saying you should have a separate life from a new partner. Not living together and forcing the partner into your children’s lives doesn’t mean having a separate life. By the time you meet someone and have established a strong long-term relationship you’ll only be a few years from your youngest child becoming an adult anyway so there’s no reason you couldn’t move in together at that point if that’s what you wanted. In the meantime, you will have increasingly more freedom now your children are getting older to have a meaningful relationship and see someone regularly without imposing the new partner on your children’s home life. You are in a great position now to pursue what you say you want, but slowly and cautiously, over the next few years. You’ve done the hard work and now the future looks full of opportunity as far as I can see because you’ve not stated any barriers that would prevent you spending more time out of the house gradually to meet more people and date and in time find a potential partner for the kind of long-term relationship you want, and eventually move in together when your children are adults?

I hope you are having a nice Mother’s Day @CandleDrop and your children have made a fuss of you. You deserve it.

@CandleDrop, no one has suggested you're planning to move in a partner 'straight away' -- you keep arguing with stuff people haven't said, as if you're determined to be down on your own good choices and that you're doomed to die alone, eaten by your cats!

Wouldn't it be easier and nicer to applaud yourself for focusing on your young children, to stop ruminating over long-past decisions, and to recognise now that you're entering a new stage of your life where you can date and have relationships, if you want?

I do think that also the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to share your home with someone. It's fine if someone never wants to live with anyone again, that's a perfectly valid choice. But some people, like the OP do.

I was just this weekend creating some extra storage in my bedroom. I dont have room for a man's "stuff". Like not even a pair of pants 😂my room is also very "girly". In fact my whole house is decorated to my taste and filled with things I love. I dont want that to change now. Also I've spent a lot of time and money over the years making my house beautiful (to me). I think I'd actually somewhat resent a man now coming in and "enjoying" it all when he hasn't had to lift a finger. It was different when I was younger for sure.

OP isn't saying that she wanted to move 10 different men in and expose her kids to all kinds of trauma. Of course she isn't. She's reflecting on whether it might have been better, to seek out a long term relationship earlier. Its a valid question. I do not get the impression she would have rushed to move anyone in. She sounds sensible and reasonable to me.

Sadly abuse also happens with related men. Dad's, grandads, uncles. Statistically, is it less likely? Maybe, I dont know, I havent looked it up. But being blood relatives is no guarantee your kids won't be abused.

Also the kids being over 18 doesn't mean you can then move someone in easily. Maybe they'll still need to be living at home (as many do now). Even if they don't, if they're then not keen on your partner they might never come to see you. A friend of mine will only see her mum outside of her mum's house for this reason! (And its been like this for 20yrs now so won't change).

I'm not knocking people who want to wait, not at all. But I feel it's not as black and white as people think. And no, children won't "thank" their parents for not dating because it doesn't work like that. You dont feel gratitude for something that is the norm. Yes if you bring in the wrong person you can damage then but you dont thank your parents for damage they didnt cause! The truth of the matter is that if anything, they can be very critical as adults of anyone you date.

You could be anything from 30 to nearly 60. And women marry and enter long term relationships at all of those ages and older.

If you have decided that you will never go out, never do any activities, never try online dating or speed dating, that's your decision. But it's not your age making it impossible; it's you.

Yes, it is much less likely with relatives. It happens, but by FAR the biggest risk to a child in terms of abuse is having an unrelated adult living in their home. This is a well-established fact from statistically validated research.