Aibu to regret leaving it so long

[CandleDrop]

This might get some hate, but I honestly regret not dating when my kids were younger.

Long story short, I’ve been a single parent for years. At the time I focused entirely on the kids and just never dated. Now they’re quite a bit older and I’m starting to realise I might actually regret that decision.

Part of it is that I now have no idea how I’d even meet anyone. Another part is that my kids are so used to it just being us that I feel like it would seem really weird to them if I suddenly had a partner. When they were younger it probably would have felt more normal, but now I think they’d be quite shocked or uncomfortable with the idea of me having a boyfriend.

The other issue is that after being single for so long I’m very set in my ways. I genuinely don’t know how I’d even begin to let someone into my life again. It makes me feel like I’ve left it too late and will just end up alone.

All the other single mums I know in real life seemed to meet someone new within a year or so. I’m also in quite a few single parent groups and most of the mums there seem to have new partners within a year or two (and they often talk about that as if it’s a long wait).

So I keep thinking that maybe I should have tried to meet someone when the kids were younger. They spend more time away from you then and it probably would have been easier to introduce someone gradually. Now I feel like they’d be horrified at the thought of me having a boyfriend.

AIBU to feel like I’ve left it too late and missed my chance?
I know I will have people telling me they’ve been single for 30 years but that just isn’t reflective of anyone I’ve ever met irl.

OP I'm in similar boat. I did date one guy but never introduced him to DC. I don't honestly see how other single parents find the time! If it helps I know several amazing single mothers of teens who are all still single....

I would say that online dating is not always the cesspit people say it is. I've found a surprisingly large number of decent men on there. you just need to filter well (choose the right app platform - ie Hinge not Tinder!) And most of the men I've met on there are similarly divorced and out of practice - quite a lot of men in my age bracket got married in early 20s, now divorcing and have not been on a date for 20 years...... The first couple of dates you will be awkward and cringey but it honestly get easier. If you want to find a life partner I would not discount it. Also agree with PP that adding activities as an organic way to meet men is good too

Op I thought that. When I started seeing dp I assumed we would eventually progress to living together but as time went on I realised it suited me to maintain our own places, finances etc but we are absolutely committed to each other.

My relationship is very serious. And I see myself growing old with my partner but keeping our own places. This is very important to both of us.

But ‘most people’s views’ are totally irrelevant to your choices. You choose what works for you.

You talk to them in exactly the same way you talk to women. We're not some other species or a foreign nation that you need to learn a new language for, we're just people, with a lot of the same experiences, worries etc.

You seem to be looking for excuses not to start dating. It's as if you want us all to tell you that you've left it too late, that you'll be forever single. Well we're not going to say that, because it's entirely possible for you to find someone to happily spend the rest of your life with.

You just need to stop making excuses and actually start looking.

You know what I mean like I wouldn’t know how to date again, it’s not the same at all. Going on dates fills me with massive anxiety as I feel rusty and like I’ve been out of the game for so long. You might not think it happens but women absolutely do bring their kids on dates I’ve just seen it asked again on my single parents group if it’s ok to bring kids on dates trust me this is how other single mums are dating! Most women don’t want to stay alone and lonely.

When love comes your way always take a chance on it.

When love comes your way always take a chance on it.

And as you've been told repeatedly, its possible to date minus kids, especially with older ones. And living alone doesn't equal lonely. If you have family, friends, hobbies, colleagues and older kids who are actually good company, loneliness is not an issue. Throw in a spectacular partner who whisks me off for frequent weekends in lovely places with great sea thrown in and it's all good 👍

Sex not sea..though sometimes sea !

I’ve been on my own for over a decade as didn’t want to have the work of blending families etc. I’m quite happy alone except financially but now my youngest is 16 I am starting to think about me again. I don’t regret not meeting someone yet though. Hopefully if and when I do it will be about us and not the complication of a step family. I know it can work well but with four children it seemed like hard work when they were younger.

There’s a lot of condemnation on this thread for single parents who introduce a man to their kids. I dated a man when my DC were in primary school. At the same time, I had a close female friend we did a lot with. We did the same things with my boyfriend that we did with my female friend, day trips, meals out etc. My DC grew no more “attached” to him than they were my female friend. It didn’t work out for some very boring reasons but I hadn’t moved him or anything. DC were fine with it and I can say that for a fact as they’re in their 30s now and remember him in the same way they do that female friend that I also lost touch with. Just someone we knew and had fun with back then. If he came round, I was always with him, there would have been no opportunity for him to harm the DC in any way, which seems to be the big worry for people.

There is no way I would have potentially wanted to fall in love with someone and then realise he had no interest in my DC or that they didn’t like him. I got a new neighbour once and it turned out he was good friends with an ex of mine from before I had DC. This ex asked me out for a drink, I went, we had a good time. Then I had him round one evening for a takeaway/movie. Then he made a negative comment about one of the DC, I think maybe that they were still up, something like that, and that was it for me. I didn’t take it any further. Because I could see then it would never work. Good, I found out very early on before it went any further. That DC who was still awake has no memory of him or the incident because it was so brief.

Are single mums not allowed male friends either? I’ve also had male friends who’ve come round for coffee, dinner or whatever, no romance involved. Or is that wrong too? If it’s not then what’s the difference if it is a boyfriend? It’s not like you’re going to start making out in front of the DC or anything!

I don’t agree with moving a succession of men in, of course not. But equally I find it weird that some women are having this secret life their DC know nothing about. I can say for a fact, my DC would have been quite put out for me to introduce them to someone and then them find out I’d been dating him secretly for 2 years or whatever! That would have blindsided them and they wouldn’t have been happy that I’d been effectIvely lying to them.

I don't think anyone is advocating a secret life, just that its possible to keep a romantic relationship mostly separate from a family set up if thats what you prefer. My kids have always known about dp, he's done loads of DIY and tech support for them over the years, but we don't generally socialise all together. That's absolutely fine.

this is true, someone said waiting a year to introduce them but i dont actually know anyone that’s waited that long irl then what if they don’t get on? you’ve just wasted a year of your life

Well no, because depending on the age and engagement level.you want, they may not need to get on in any more than a polite and civil way. If you aim to blend and step family then yes sure, but that's not obligatory

Bluntly, @CandleDrop, your attitude to this seems totally deformed by your social group who, frankly, have incredibly poor judgement on this — taking their young children on dates, introducing new boyfriends immediately etc. These behaviours put children at risk.

The depressing thing is that you seem to feel you’ve misjudged in prioritising your children!

its the norm in real life, you can pretend the norm is mumsnet and not being with a man for 20 years but that just isn’t the norm irl most separated people move on within a couple of years. its not the norm for mums to stay single for 20 years. most women want a life as well as just being a boring mum

Mn is RL. Also, you’re getting cross about a straw man. Literally no one has advocated ‘not being with a man for 20 years’, only not taking your young children on dates, introducing brand new boyfriends to them, and blending families, moving someone in and/or having a baby too fast when young children are still coming to terms with their parents’ split.

I have one like this, and feel very lucky.
it helps he also has a DS so gets it.

OP I think you shouldn’t have regrets. You put your kids first and I’m sure they’re grateful. But it’s absolutely not too late.

honestly the things i read on here in general just don’t reflect anyone i know in real life and i dont just mean this thread.

Well, I certainly don’t know in RL people who regard the school run as some kind of torture, see “cliques’ and ‘exclusions’ everywhere, never answer the doorbell, and struggle with the most basic elements of friendships and work relationships — but I don’t assume they’re trolls, or some kind of person who only exists on Mn, I assume they’re perfectly real, but exist in disproportionate numbers on an anonymous internet forum which has a lot of people who don’t find relationships with other easy.

But it does depress me terribly that you’re so down on yourself for having made good decisions about your children when they were young, when I think it’s something you should feel good about as you enter a new stage in your life. I also don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t find a life partner if you want one.

That’s appalling. You need better friends.

I don’t think anybody would condemn what you are describing. As far as your children were concerned this was just a male friend? Most people have friends of the opposite sex.

The “condemnation” has been of people inflicting their love life on their children i.e. introducing multiple people as their parent’s boyfriend/ girlfriend, having them stay over in the house or move in, forcing them into the child’s daily life or home in an invasive manner that causes huge disruption to the child and changes their home and family dynamic (children who have already had to live through a family separation) or puts the children at risk (which per your description, you did not). Nobody has posted to say single parents shouldn’t date or have any relationships as far as I have seen.

should have been clearer it was a single parents group on facebook that this was posted on last night. not someone i know personally but i have known of people to do this. although one of the comments did say it was a good idea and there should be a single parents dating event where you can meet other single parents and your kids can come along if you have no one to look after them 🫣

Your youngest is 10? You've hardly been single for decades then. How old are you OP?