Aibu to regret leaving it so long

[CandleDrop]

This might get some hate, but I honestly regret not dating when my kids were younger.

Long story short, I’ve been a single parent for years. At the time I focused entirely on the kids and just never dated. Now they’re quite a bit older and I’m starting to realise I might actually regret that decision.

Part of it is that I now have no idea how I’d even meet anyone. Another part is that my kids are so used to it just being us that I feel like it would seem really weird to them if I suddenly had a partner. When they were younger it probably would have felt more normal, but now I think they’d be quite shocked or uncomfortable with the idea of me having a boyfriend.

The other issue is that after being single for so long I’m very set in my ways. I genuinely don’t know how I’d even begin to let someone into my life again. It makes me feel like I’ve left it too late and will just end up alone.

All the other single mums I know in real life seemed to meet someone new within a year or so. I’m also in quite a few single parent groups and most of the mums there seem to have new partners within a year or two (and they often talk about that as if it’s a long wait).

So I keep thinking that maybe I should have tried to meet someone when the kids were younger. They spend more time away from you then and it probably would have been easier to introduce someone gradually. Now I feel like they’d be horrified at the thought of me having a boyfriend.

AIBU to feel like I’ve left it too late and missed my chance?
I know I will have people telling me they’ve been single for 30 years but that just isn’t reflective of anyone I’ve ever met irl.

I agree with this, you're being very negative op. You can't change the past, you are where you are now. You did the right thing by putting your DC first. Even if you'd found someone else there's nothing to say it would have lasted. Also as a pp said you haven't met anyone in all this time so even if you were looking you might not have found someone right anyway. If you want to meet someone now then put yourself out there!

They are all working very well and are all in happy relationships.

So what, though? I mean, I don’t think that makes moving a new partner into a household of young children ok.

It would be the only way for me to meet someone as I don’t have much of a social life outside of parenting

Perhaps that's the first thing you need to work on? It will be easier for your children to accept a new relationship if they see you as a person with interests other than them. Also opens up avenues of meeting someone naturally. As I said I was single for over 10 years and then met someone randomly at a sports club we both attended.

All my friends are mums and only want to do things with the children so it was difficult having a social life especially as their father isn’t involved so I didn’t get free time away from being a parent.

But it’s going to take time to date and find someone, realistically months.

You’re then going to take many months keeping it a secret and just dating to see if you’re compatible.

So realistically you’re looking at a good 2 years and then you’d introduce them slowly as your friend but you’d keep them pretty separate for a while anyway.

I think you are over thinking things.

Do you have friends that you go out with?
If so this is no different, it will just be a male friend and you’ll gradually start seeing and mentioning him more and then you can say how you’ve started dating etc and how you’ve decided to be in a relationship.

If you do it slowly then it won’t be weird.
I think you also have too high expectations and it’s likely going to take a lot longer to find someone than you think.

How old are your kids?

No I don’t go out with friends without my kids I never had help with them which is why I didn’t date and waited though that didn’t seem to stop any of the other single mums I know.

How old are you and the the kids.

So make new friends? Make friends who are childfree, or who have older children they're not so tied to. As your children get older, you will have more ability to get out and develop a social life.

My MIL never dated the whole time my DH was living at home. She divorced young and was a single mum throughout (DH father cheated and ran off with his secretary - after defaulting on the mortgage, emptying the bank accounts and pocketing the money)

She is also fiercely independent - she got a partner, just after DH moved out to live with me, and they have been together 20 years now. They do not live together, but live close to each other. They spend a few nights a week together, alternating houses and at least one day of the weekend. (He was a single dad who didn't date while his daughter lived at home)

So they both have independence, they both mingle in each other's family groups - it's nice. MIL is Nonna to his daughter's little children.

My kids are older now they are 14 12 and 10. I was just explaining why I didn’t meet anyone when they were younger as life revolved around them.

Realistically it takes time to know whether someone is right for you, whether their values align with yours and there’s something there beyond initial chemistry. During that time the relationship is your private business, it’s not about keeping secrets, it’s that your kids don’t need to be involved in the early stages of your relationship.

I admire parents (male and female) who prioritise their kids over relationships - not saying don’t be involved with someone but don’t expect your kids to deal with a new adult and don’t expect them to adjust to a new parental figure until you’re both very sure of the impact on kids. As your kids get older you’ll have more time for dating and can just enjoy the relationship for what it is, and see where it goes without the pressure of how to navigate blended families etc.

Yes I understand that but I don’t want to lead separate lives I want a life partner. Seems to be the assumption by a lot of people that as I’m a single mum I only want casual relationships. I want someone to build a life with and share life with, I left it too late.

But a life partner doesn’t start off as a life partner - you meet them and get to know them, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. It’s not like buying a car, where any one that meets your specifications will do. It takes time for a real to develop and during that time, I think, it’s a part of your private life.

Being happy is also important and if that means dating then so be it. I've never understood this self imposed chastity that single mums are meant to endure

No one's assuming that. But as @Jellycatspyjamas says, life partners start off with a coffee or a drink or a dinner, the same as casual partners. No one starts off as a life partner from the beginning.

Sure, you can make it clear you're not interested in something casual, and rule out some people that way, but you're still dating to see if someone's right for you to build a life with. You're still experimenting with people.

It's still not clear why you are so certain you left it too late. Friends have become single in their late 40s and 50s and remarried with every appearance of happiness. I'm sure as I get older I'll know more people who get married or remarried far older than that.

I’m a single mum with primary aged daughter and permanently singie. I think you are right that most meet a new partner in sub 2 years:

My primary reasons for not dating were time (complete lack of - no other parent) and also safeguarding. I have a total fear of making the wrong choice and exposing my daughter to any kind of harm.

I worry I will regret it when I am even older and she leaves home, but she is my no 1 and I don’t see how I could give her what she needs if there was a man in my life. I would never forgive myself if I exposed her to anyone bad. But I feel sad that I might miss out on a caring man who could make a great father figure / male role model.

I probably need therapy 🤣

Well I can only give you my opinion but I wish more people wouldn't bed hop whilst their children were pre GCSE age. I'm not suggesting you would have wanted to be anything like my neighbour but she's now on her 6th child to four different dads. All of her children are going to be incredibly affected by her inability to stay out of relationships.

I grew up with a step parent and his three kids so I went from being in a family of 3 to a family of 7.

I know if my DM could change anything it would be to never have moved in with anyone after her marriage broke down with my DF. It badly affected us all.

By all means people should date if they want but use good contraception and don't move in with the other person, particularly if they have kids until the kids are much older. It's selfish to do otherwise.

JMO

YABU in the sense that you can meet someone at any age, I have coworkers who got married in their 50s and they’re very happy.

Saying that, I changed my mind on this subject. I stayed single until DD was 18 and didn’t date at all. While I’m very happy with my boyfriend, I have found it very challenging with a grown DD, far more than I anticipated. I wrongly assumed DD would go on to uni etc like she always said she would, but she’s 22 and still at home and almost overprotective to a worrying extent, like a bit of a regression.

We’ve been delaying living together because of it, in fact. She has recently found a new job that she’s absolutely loving so I’m hoping that will prompt her into making more concrete plans for her future.

But you will have to lead separate lives at first, just like anyone would but you have kids and so you can’t be as care free as others.

I think you have an idea in your head and it’s not realistic.
You would probably hate meeting someone and moving them in too soon as you are so used to your space and independence.

You are ready to focus more on yourself and not just focus on your kids, which is amazing.
I would firstly try and socialise to make new friends and you’ll find this is good way to meet a new man too.

If that doesn’t work then try OLD.

Obviously as a single parent you’re going to have to pay for a babysitter and as a single parent myself I have always resented paying a babysitter to meet a man who turns out to be in a relationship or just a dick.
I’d much rather pay a babysitter and meet up with my female friends and then try and meet a man more that way.

As your kids get older it will get so much easier and I wouldn’t worry about moving too fast as your time is not running out.

My kids are older now my son is 15 soon so I’d be able to date when he watches the younger kids, thats another reason why I didn’t date as I didn’t want to leave them with sitters. I just meant I don’t want a fwb i am someone that gets feelings for people id never be good at anything like that, I actually think they are mainly beneficial for men tbh!

But again, you keep shutting down anyone who suggests thats there's a middle ground between casual and life partner and you kind of have to go through it to get to life partner stage anyway. You just find the place that works for you both in terms of level of life intertwining. Its important to make peace with the idea that the simple traditional route isn't the only one. Being 'set in your ways' just means you know what you like. Any future partner will be likewise. You don't have to be in each other's pockets to be committed life partners.

Oh and I disagree about FWB...I know several women, me included who have enjoyed such an arrangement. Its absolutely fine if its not for you but they aren't just a men thing.