Aibu to regret leaving it so long

[CandleDrop]

This might get some hate, but I honestly regret not dating when my kids were younger.

Long story short, I’ve been a single parent for years. At the time I focused entirely on the kids and just never dated. Now they’re quite a bit older and I’m starting to realise I might actually regret that decision.

Part of it is that I now have no idea how I’d even meet anyone. Another part is that my kids are so used to it just being us that I feel like it would seem really weird to them if I suddenly had a partner. When they were younger it probably would have felt more normal, but now I think they’d be quite shocked or uncomfortable with the idea of me having a boyfriend.

The other issue is that after being single for so long I’m very set in my ways. I genuinely don’t know how I’d even begin to let someone into my life again. It makes me feel like I’ve left it too late and will just end up alone.

All the other single mums I know in real life seemed to meet someone new within a year or so. I’m also in quite a few single parent groups and most of the mums there seem to have new partners within a year or two (and they often talk about that as if it’s a long wait).

So I keep thinking that maybe I should have tried to meet someone when the kids were younger. They spend more time away from you then and it probably would have been easier to introduce someone gradually. Now I feel like they’d be horrified at the thought of me having a boyfriend.

AIBU to feel like I’ve left it too late and missed my chance?
I know I will have people telling me they’ve been single for 30 years but that just isn’t reflective of anyone I’ve ever met irl.

‘Fumble in a turret’😀

You know some shit mums. Everyone is entitled to a life, but this shows very poor judgement.

Well the one who did that her kids father died in an awful situation so I try not to judge. Maybe that affected her decisions. She’s in a very happy relationship now and they have 3 other children they’ve been together about 20 years now so it obviously worked for them.

As someone who was a child whose parents had lots of relationships post divorce, I think you did the right thing. I think your friends have pretty poor judgement and crudely, would put dick over kids.

Getting new boyfriends quickly is really unsettling at best when the parent is the primary custodial person. When you get a clown car parade of them, 🙄. That's is just not good for the kids involved. When it's not the custodial parent, it feels like they don't value time with you.

People lie to themselves to allow them to do things that may not be in their child's best interests.

My oldest sister was a single mother for 20yrs and then met her now husband online and has been happily married ever since. Think of it that now your kids are older you will have more attention for a new partner and you know yourself better so hopefully will make meeting someone easier as you know more what you are looking for and what are dealbreakers.

Wow so many what ifs. It sounds like if you had met someone and moved them in back then and it didn't work out you would be on here saying you regret trying to date so soon. When the kids were younger you didn't want to date, now you do. This is how your life is turning out according to who you are and that's ok. Stop looking at what everyone else is doing and stop having regrets - it's the way you are looking at things that is making you miserable not the things themselves. You have absolutely no idea what life would have been like if you started dating when they were younger. Just listen to what you want now - a life partner - and get on with finding one. IME when you are truly ready to find someone, you will. It's never ever too late.

It may appear that way, and I’m sure that’s what the adults involved tell themselves and others, but unfortunately there is very robust research demonstrating that step parents and blended families have a negative impact on children in the vast majority of cases. The children feel obliged to pretend they are ok with it but tell a very different story as adults. It’s also an established fact that the largest risk to a child is moving an adult stranger into their house: far more dangerous than letting them wander the streets alone, for example. I’ve never met a single person who grew up in blended family who is positive about the experience. I’m sure there are some but the research shows that the vast majority of children hate it and it has a negative impact on their mental health and life outcomes, as well as their relationships with their parents.

You did the right thing in providing them with a stable home where they felt safe and were not forced to live with an unrelated adult. You could have had a relationship without cohabiting (and this doesn’t mean it is “casual”) but this would have required babysitters etc and both accepting that you don’t see each other particularly frequently. But as others have stated, there is no reason why you can’t do this now and you are now at a better stage to do so where you can go out in the evenings to date without a sitter, and if you do eventually meet someone suitable and develop a committed relationship with them it will not be a hardship to wait until your youngest child is 18 before considering cohabiting (if that is what you want to do): it takes time to meet the right person, then several years to develop a solid long-term relationship before cohabiting would even be a sensible prospect, by which time you’d only be 3 or 4 years from your youngest child turning 18 anyway so not long to wait (not to mention that by the time you are at that point and your youngest is 14 you’d have the freedom to see a new partner as often as you like outside of the home so not cohabiting for a few more years really isn’t a big deal).

What you have done is the decent thing, putting your children first and not inflicting your love life onto them. They will be very grateful for it.

You seem to be very negative about everything. Single parenting is hard and relentless so you are probably quite worn down and for now I’d focus on self-care (now your children are a little less dependent so you have more time available) and improving your positivity and outlook on life, before considering dating. It’s not healthy to be looking for a partner thinking that they will plug a gap in your life and being desperate for a partner as an abstract idea rather than because a specific person you meet would be positive for your life; this makes you vulnerable as you’ll be trying to fit the people you meet into the concept you have formed in your head of what you want them to be and you’ll attract the wrong kind of people who sense this vulnerability.

You’re in a similar position to me. I had a very messy divorce and couldn’t face getting into another relationship when the dust settled. I concentrated on being a good mum (as well as working FT) and enjoyed living in a happy peaceful home. I didn’t want to risk bringing someone in who might sabotage my peace. I dated a bit but they never met my DC and I wasn’t bothered about finding a long term partner but I’m now in an empty nest and wonder if I should have tried harder to find someone. You have your freedom and can do anything you want, enjoy your life whatever that looks like. It is difficult trying to find a suitable partner at this age. Maybe try activities you like and try to meet someone through that. It’s never too late but be choosy and don’t end up a nurse with a purse !

Are you in perimenopause OP as well? I know it’s awful to reduce everything to that but the automatic kind of drive & urge to find a partner can get a lot less. I commend you for prioritising your children & from what you say just don’t think you’d have been able to juggle all the demands of trying to meet someone then.
I get the sense you’re saying you’re almost shocked by how much you feel stuck in your ways & almost not capable of what it would take to adapt & meet someone new, now. That sounds quite a common feeling when in peri. Remember though your feelings about it aren’t what you think your DC’s thoughts and feelings will be about it. As they get a bit older & start wanting to naturally meet people themselves, they often start realising that Mum hasn’t got anyone but that they’d like you to have. And can be quite for you meeting someone!

Ofc it will feel v unusual & a task for them to navigate someone entering your life. But don’t lose heart. It may happen a bit later on when they’re older if that’s your main worry. Like others have said the all or nothing thinking you’re doing about it, is making more hurdles & barriers there, than might really be the case OP. It’s also really advisable not to go all in, living together, full on very soon. I can understand how you may feel that your friends managed it but they in some way must have made compromises you weren’t prepared to make & that’s what was right for you at that time. It can be done.
Not easy but comparing your last relationship back then to any one in the future, might be skewing your perception. It might need updating to the time you’re in of your life now, who you are now. As it will be different to who you were then.

Are you doing anything for yourself OP?
Are you looking after your health, appearance and mental health?
Could you start with all three of those so that you are putting yourself in a really good place where you feel good about yourself.
Your voice in your head sounds negative which really isn't good for you, one way or the other.

People meet new partners at all ages and the best chance of doing that is to be in your best place yourself.

But the trouble is I don’t know how to talk to men now? I’ve been single so long i dont talk to any men and I wouldn’t know how to now. I wouldn’t know how to date now the whole prospect seems alien to me.

You seem to feel that the options are casual hook-ups or a live-in life partner with nothing in between. You can be in a committed relationship but not live with your partner. It may not be the norm but it’s perfectly possible and, arguably, desirable. The successful blending of families is very very hard work. People rarely talk about how hard it is, and they certainly don’t admit it when they don’t work.

Unless they are from overseas, you'll find that most men speak English.

They will understand things like, Hello, How Are You? Are you having fun tonight?

Often you can start a conversation with a question, which is an invitation for the other person to talk and then if they don't ask you one back, you can volunteer something like, 'I was curious to see this band as a friend had told me so much about them and I liked their song... blah, blah, blah.

There is really nothing to it. You'll find men are like women but they have a long dangly bit between their legs and obviously don't have the boobs... although some overweight ones do.

I’d like to eventually live with a partner, of course not straight away, I don’t like to lead separate lives forever

Sorry, reading it back, I didn't mean to sound so flippant!

I wouldn't go dating first. Maybe one night out a week to a social activity and get into the habit of just talking to people. Once you break the ice, most people socially are out to talk and meet other people, so don't ever feel bad or shy speaking to someone.

Maybe draw up a list of things you'd think you'd like to do?

I don't know how old you are (don't think you have said, unless I missed it) but when I was last on OLD, late 40s, it was full of men looking to rush into a serious relationship, so I don't think you will have any problems finding someone if that's what you want.

(Personally I found it off-putting, but we all want different things).

And your children being older is better because they will be able to understand your need to have a life of your own, and your new partner won't need to take on a fake parenting relationship with them (which is often where a lot of the trouble starts, I think) as they are presumably more independent now and less in need of constant input from the adults around them

I would just add tho that it's very possible to be in love and have a committed relationship without blending families. I love my partner but I don't live with him, and only see him when my daughter is at her dad's. Works for us, and I don't feel any less supported/fulfilled because of it. In fact, if anything I think it keeps the romance alive more as we aren't constantly together - it's hard to excitedly look forward to seeing someone who is there constantly!

Not living with someone does not mean “living separate lives”.

You’re going to have to get past this. Separate homes do not mean separate lives.

Ask most people and they will consider a relationship less serious if you don’t live together thats not to say I’d rush it but it would be the long term aim.

You made the right call for your children's safety.
No need for regrets.

You've plenty of time left to find someone - the challenge will be finding someone who adds value to your life rather than adding stress.

And you’d be in a position to live with a partner in approximately eight years, ie in the long term.

I really hope you don’t mean to insult the people on this thread who have told you about their committed, non-cohabiting relationships by suggesting that their relationships aren’t ‘serious’.

I said less serious completely different thing and that isnt my view alone it’s the general consensus I even see it on mumsnet

You seem to have a very fixed mindset, OP. I hope you can find a way forward that works for you 🤷🏻‍♀️

A lot of people think a lot of stupid things. It doesn’t mean they are right.

Many cohabiting/ married couples are utterly miserable and staying in that situation purely for financial reasons or because they fear being single or are concerned for the impact on their children of separating.

There has been a growing trend for many years of people being in committed long-term relationships but living separately, particularly amongst those who already have children or who are older and have spent enough time being single to realise that they like their own space and financial independence. Often these relationships are much healthier because the time spent together is quality time rather than drudge and entanglements about the division of housework or finances, and both parties remain in the relationship simply because they want to be, rather than because they feel they have to do so for other reasons. Only someone very ignorant would assume that the relationship was less committed simply because a couple chose not to live together.

Of course, you personally may prefer to live with a long-term partner, which is obviously fine. But there’s absolutely no need to rush into that, and it certainly does not indicate that the relationship is less serious if you take things slowly in this regard. Anybody rushing to move in with someone else (particularly if they have children) is showing poor judgement and that they are most likely motivated by either some nefarious motivations that shouldn’t come into it (like money, or worse, access to small children) or simply not caring about the impact on children and prioritising their own preferences over the needs of the children involved which is also not indicative that you’ve found a good one (!), so actually taking it slowly will weed out many of the bad apples.

But clearly in any case you don’t just wake up one day and find you have a serious and committed relationship. You need to meet people and find the person and build that relationship over time. And obviously you need to ensure that you are seeking a relationship for the right reasons before you even start dating, do some self-reflection about WHY you want this and what you are looking for, and build your own life that you’re happy with before you even think of sharing it with someone else. You’re now in a position where you can start this process, which will take time, so I don’t really understand what the problem is?

From reading your replies you seem to have quite rigid views on what a relationship should look like. I don’t think you’ll easily meet someone unless you modify & flex to the demands & nature of your life now. If you did meet the right person over time your relationship may develop enough so that in time you live together, along with your children. But without it impacting on your current family dynamics no ofc you won’t be able to have someone living with you. I don’t think you’re prepared to revise some of your preconceived notions. I think you’re using reasons why you can’t meet someone to self sabotage. I think that’s because it’s understandably terrifying & the words you use it’s almost an “alien” concept. Do you want to try to meet someone or are you actually saying you don’t think your can?