Aibu to regret leaving it so long

[CandleDrop]

This might get some hate, but I honestly regret not dating when my kids were younger.

Long story short, I’ve been a single parent for years. At the time I focused entirely on the kids and just never dated. Now they’re quite a bit older and I’m starting to realise I might actually regret that decision.

Part of it is that I now have no idea how I’d even meet anyone. Another part is that my kids are so used to it just being us that I feel like it would seem really weird to them if I suddenly had a partner. When they were younger it probably would have felt more normal, but now I think they’d be quite shocked or uncomfortable with the idea of me having a boyfriend.

The other issue is that after being single for so long I’m very set in my ways. I genuinely don’t know how I’d even begin to let someone into my life again. It makes me feel like I’ve left it too late and will just end up alone.

All the other single mums I know in real life seemed to meet someone new within a year or so. I’m also in quite a few single parent groups and most of the mums there seem to have new partners within a year or two (and they often talk about that as if it’s a long wait).

So I keep thinking that maybe I should have tried to meet someone when the kids were younger. They spend more time away from you then and it probably would have been easier to introduce someone gradually. Now I feel like they’d be horrified at the thought of me having a boyfriend.

AIBU to feel like I’ve left it too late and missed my chance?
I know I will have people telling me they’ve been single for 30 years but that just isn’t reflective of anyone I’ve ever met irl.

Tbf ime it’s just when someone develops feelings in my experience just talking about what I’ve seen, it’s pretty much always the woman. I’ve seen multiple posts on here over the years from women confused by their “fwb” or asking if he wants more etc, I never ever read a post anywhere from any man asking the same. I think men are better at separating sex and feelings obviously there will be exceptions but in my majority of cases I’ve seen it’s not been beneficial for the woman. So I just want to be clear that’s not what I’m looking for. I want a relationship, yeah I want to have a life partner move in and get married (in the future of course) but the ship has sailed.

You are set in your ways but probably not in the way you think. You want to pick a man out of a catalogue, meet him, move in with your family and marry forever. It doesn't work like that. What if he likes you but can't move in because of his own kids, because of work or financial commitments. Because he wary of your kids teenage years looming.

Lots of people are making good suggestions but you are shutting them down. You can date IF YOU WANT to but it doesn't sound as if you want to or do the preliminary work. What about all these girlfriends who met great men within the year, can they introduce you to anyone. What about the single groups, anyone there? Dip your toe into online dating. Be open to going out, enjoying some male attention. Having some adult company. Park the husband hunting for the time being - it's so off putting and impersonal in both sexes.

Yes it would be online, I don’t like friends trying to introduce me the only times they have done that the man either was not my type in the slightest and it was just awkward or it was someone that they didn’t want and I don’t want a friends left overs. I wouldn’t date a man with young kids I waited until mine were older so won’t accept a man with small children now.

Well if you won't leave your children with sitters, you couldn't have dated anyway.
Many women who get into relationships quickly post divorce do so for reasons that aren't always true love. Of course there are happy second marriages, but there are also a lot of unhappy children with a blended family foisted on them.
If your ship has indeed sailed, I suggest you spend some time improving your life generally. Noone wants to date Eeyore.

My kids are teens now so I wouldn’t need a sitter but yes it’s too late now anyway.

But I don’t think anyone has suggested you find a casual relationship for sex, have they? This is a red herring. Or that you should date someone with young children, or that you need to date your friends’ ‘leftovers’. You seem to be trying to find reasons not to date. It is obviously fine if you don’t want to, or aren’t ready, but it sounds to me as if you’re protecting yourself from potential hurt and uncertainty by your belief that it’s not possible for you to find a life partner because you didn’t do it when your children were much younger.

Im not sure why you think your ship has sailed, now your kids are older it will be easier for you to go out on dates, find an activity to do etc. Do you work?

Because it would only be easier if I want something causal not if I want a life partner. I work from home.

But you have to date to find that partner!! New relationships don't start by sitting downstairs while the kids are upstairs. My dp and I got together when mine were young and I used the eow to see him. After a while he would come round and we'd work through box sets and things but not straightaway.

I actually think it’s easier to meet someone when kids are younger, they adapt quicker, it becomes more the norm, they grow up with them being part of their lives rather than just randomly being there one day, older kids are far more resistant to change, it’s harder to bond with older kids particularly teens, older teens usually have stronger opinions and less accepting of new partners. I mean this is just reasons off the top of my head why it’s easier when they are younger to meet a new partner.

Of course I know I need to date I am just making it clear I am dating to find a relationship I do not want causal sex or fwb at all so anyone I date it would be with the view of wanting more that’s why dating apps ask what you are looking for and mine would be long term.

The posts above literally said you’ve not left it too late though.

Maybe not impossible then but much harder now. Which is why I regret not doing it when they were little. I think far too many people expect women to be alone forever and raise their kids alone but then they will grow up and you will end up alone.

I don't think you've necessarily 'missed your chance' OP. People meet a new partner at all ages and stages of life. But I do think it's strange that some people make a concerted effort NOT to meet anyone for years after they split up with their DC's father - after all fathers very rarely wait to meet someone new.

Op it sounds like you need to get a life first and the relationship stuff will come. You don’t seem to be able to get past being a mum and “old” lol. I’m 42, separated at 38, kids now 17 and 15. I am building a life through my own interests and hobbies now and meet nice guys all the time. My kids have had some mental health problems and their dad is a liability so I’ve not pursued anything yet, but I will soon and can see loads of ways I might meet someone through my social life. Use your spare time to do things you love and you’ll make natural connections that will open doors to potential relationships

I completely disagree that its easier. My kids fortunately got on well with my exes affair partner and then wife. They were too young too really question what was happening but actually now they are teens and understand what essentially happened and that he chose her over them (he is largely absent) it has affected their relationship. They get on ok with my dp but there is no step parenting going on. That's fine. It all works.

Well the mums I know everyone has good relationship step father and new kids. All say relationship is going well.

I’m going to tell you my point of view as someone in the same boat & have now met someone.
I was pregnant on my second when I became a single parent. I had no interest in meeting anyone else cos I felt so free & relieved on my own (exh was a narcissist) plus I also was terrified of introducing anyone to my kids.
I stayed single for 22 years. Very happily I might add. Fully intended being single forever.
I met my partner by chance when I joined the local swimming pool. We both got chatting & it went from there. We’re now together 15 mths.
my kids are now 23 & 28. They knew about him from day one & to be honest were a bit blindsided by it even though I’d been chatting about him before we ever got together. My eldest especially in her words “felt weird” about it. Not that she was against it but this just wasn’t in her realm of experience. I think she was worried too that things would change dramatically.
I reassured both kids that nothing would change but it was my time to enjoy myself & I was going to.
i introduced him to them & my parents at the same time, around 8mths in. It was just a casual cuppa in my parents house & was all very relaxed. It went really well.
my kids still live with me so I’ve always told them if he’s coming over which he has done for dinner & watching a movie. The kids have chatted to him & all is grand. He hasn’t stayed over yet but I’ve told the kids that he will be soon. They’re both adults so they need to get used to it. I won’t ever live with him or get married again so they don’t need to worry about that. He has an adult daughter & 2 grandsons and we both have our own lives separately too.
I’ve been very sensitive to them the whole way but also very firm that I’m not apologising for enjoying myself.

But you have said numerous times that you wouldn’t have left your young children with a babysitter, so that would have ruled out dating, anyway. That was a decision you made. I think it’s a good decision, personally, though you seem not to — but at any rate, it’s in the past. You are where you are now. If you want a life partner, you’re going to have to date. The only way to be absolutely sure you never find one is to decide it’s too late and just sit about saying that.

Lots of women introduce their kids to men straight away, I’m not saying it’s good or I agree with it but there are ways without using a sitter if you really want to, I’ve known of women to bring their children on dates, and introduce as a friend. I genuinely don’t know anyone that’s ever hired a sitter online.

I could have dated when they were in school then eventually have them round in the evening when they were asleep after a while but now they’re teens they never sleep. I’m falling asleep before they are.

You seem to be conflating taking things slow with a relationship being casual though.

Yes, with teenage kids you might not be able to rush into moving in together, and you probably won't want to introduce him to your kids for about a year, but that doesn't mean the relationship is casual. You can still be committed to each other.

Hell, my Mum married my Step Dad and still never lived with him, and that was the happiest relationship she ever had!

It's a 5 - 10 year waiting list so I'd put your name down now if you want someone to spend time with in retirement. You find all the good men have decided they are gay, (just found out the erudite, stylish, fun loving fifty year old curator I had a pash for, has a thirty year old partner... and all this time I thought it was his son! The resemblance between them is uncanny!)

Farmers are generally looking for good stock, young healthy with wide child-bearing hips. Ditto, the aristocracy. It's slim pickings as you get older. Don't bother with online dates unless you want to revisit Anais Nin and explore the world of Swinging.

But seriously, nothing to stop you starting right away. Allocate one night a week for some fun activity: wine tasting; salsa dancing; a book group, embalming workshop, National Trust volunteer if you are in your 70s and fancy a fumble in a turret; walking group, motor maintenance, etc - anywhere that might bring you together with fun likeminded people. Good luck!

I don't think you've done anything wrong. You chose to bring up your children in peace. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping your children and your love life completely separate. I think you can have a fulfilling life without being in a relationship. You can focus on you, your dreams and your hobbies

Respectfully, your ideas about ‘lots of women’, or what the women you know have done, are really concerning. Anyone who takes their children on dates with strangers or introduces their new boyfriend into the lives of their young children, whether as a ‘friend ’ or not, has incredibly poor judgement, is potentially putting their children at risk, and even in a best case scenario is encouraging their children to bond with someone who may not last.

You were absolutely right not to do this. You should be congratulating yourself on choosing your children’s safety and wellbeing.

I raised DS in another country to all my family, and was for much of that time in a rural area not covered by the big babysitting services even if I’d wanted to use them. On the very rare occasions I needed a babysitter, I asked my childminder or her late teenage daughter, or a TA at DS’s school who lived nearby, or arranged a swap with neighbours I knew well and liked, whose child was friends with DS. It’s not an online service or nothing.