AIBU to want to tell colleague’s wife about his workplace affair?

[Berrylipshade]

Name changed for this.
I’m watching an affair play out in work. Been going on for a long time. Everyone knows. Not at all discreet. Today it was bad, cuddling, neck stroking, hands in hair, in plain sight of a few of us, and leaving for “lunch” together.
He is a horrible arrogant man. His poor wife & young kids.
I hear him telling clients about his wife and comes across as so devoted. He’s a pig.
The one he’s shagging is single, but an obnoxious flirt. The whole thing just makes me so annoyed.
i wish I could not care.
but i keep plotting to leak this to his wife.
is that wrong?

As a teenager I saw this at work, went on for years. Some of our staff socialised regularly with the girlfriend , then wife. They attended the wedding knowing what he was up to.At the time all the office knew, I was very young and did nothing..Many years later I regret not telling her anonymously. It is something as a mature woman, that we all let her down

Have you spoken to anyone else at work about this? Do any of your other colleagues feel the same way? A complaint to HR about inappropriate behaviour might carry more weight if multiple people make it.

i don’t think it’s your responsibility to out his affair to his wife. I personally wouldn’t meddle in someone else’s relationship, especially not when I didn’t really know her. But some of your colleagues might feel differently, or know her better, and might be better people to talk it over with.

but whatever happens don’t send an anonymous message. That is a horrible way for anyone to find out something like this. If you decide to tell her she needs to be talked to like a decent human being and checked that she is ok and checked that she has somewhere safe to be. You don’t know anything about the dynamics of their relationship, there may be abuse which could be emotional or otherwise, and this could put her in an incredibly difficult or even dangerous position. I feel like some people want to punish the cheating husband, and yes he deserves it, but his wife doesn’t, she deserves care, respect and support (unless she’s also up to no good, in which case they deserve each other) not someone throwing a grenade into her life and then walking away.

Fair enough! The thing is, we don’t expect men to do that, it’s all part of the reductive thinking that women should be nice to everyone, regardless of their feelings.

I have been bullied by women in the workplace far more than men so I’m not minded to subscribe to the sisterhood.

Im autistic so if I care about someone I am fiercely loyal but outside of that I’m a bit meh with most people, 😬

I couldn’t morally care if it did…I’d rather let another woman know her husband was cheat

I’m sorry you went through this canisquaeso
it must have been devastating.

The trouble is, an anonymous note can have the same effect; I think the embarrassment and the sense that other people knew before you is hard to escape, whenever someone finds out.

Why would you do that if you don’t know her? Perhaps she’s an unpleasant person. Perhaps she won’t care. Perhaps it will send her into a mental health spiral. And yes I know it’s the husband’s doing but the OP knows little of the actual situation.

if someone sent me an anonymous note I would be really upset by that fact more than the content. I would be worrying who knew, had they been laughing at me behind my back etc.

As it is the OP who has an issue with the morality, she needs to decide whether she can continue working in that situation or not. She can only be responsible for her own reactions.

How? When she’s standing up and supporting a betrayed woman? If it did then she’d have an employment tribunal to win!

You’re not BU for wanting to tell his poor wife. But I think you would be if you decided to actually do it; you need to act professionally, as others have said.
Their behaviour at work is completely inappropriate, so I think that very discretely to HR is the correct route, and soon.
Would this be a whistleblowing act, given the disruption they are causing in the workplace and the morality deceit of clients where he is representing the business?

If I was the wife I would want to know. How humiliating for her.

Agreed.

@Berrylipshade

I'm always in the 'tell' gang BUT I think in this case you have to think of your job first.

It sounds to me as if this couple has been a hot topic of conversation at work. So if there is the least chance it could be traced back to you, then I'm afraid you have to put your job first. So if you've ever said anything at work, even the least hint that the wife should be told, then keep quiet and hope that somehow she finds out. You aren't required to set yourself on fire to keep this man's wife warm if it means you lose your job.

But if you haven't said anything about the wife needing to be told, haven't been extremely 'vocal' in your disapproval, and if you can keep it completely anonymous, then I'd probably tell her. But you need to be sure you're a good enough liar if it gets back to the office that 'someone' told. You may decide that even that risk is too much to take. Oh, and if you do tell, keep your mouth shut about it!!

And OP admits she loathes both of them so a previous poster questioning her motives was reasonable to do so. Don’t get me wrong, when I don’t like someone, I’m tempted to take some kind of revenge but it’s not worth it

I would, but not sure how.

Who would like a pair of scumbag cheaters?

His wife should know. He is risking her health and the health of his family. Creep.

I wouldn't have thought so given how brazen they both are! Anyway, it's the husband who should feel the most shame.

I agree! It’s actually scary to see the comments from other posters. I can only assume they must be the sort capable of such affairs?

I would 10000% send an anonymous note to her home address just saying ‘he’s sleeping with ‘X’ . Then let her do what she wants with the info. I never get involved with other people’s drama but I think I’d make an exception for somebody this blatant and piggish. Makes me sick.

Well most people are more than one thing. A really good friend of mine many years ago cheated on his wife. The situation was complex, the relationship was messed up at the time and she was a shitty person (she did some horrible things to a lot of people). It didn’t make him public enemy number one.

I have never cheated or been the other woman.

I am not inclined to act as moral arbiter and make someone else’s affairs my business. I would be especially disinclined to do so if it could potentially cost me my job and/or career.

I presume you know how it feels to have someone send you an anonymous note like that? Because I do. I have seen someone completely broken by it. She leant on me a lot at the time but spiralled for months. She was so focussed on it that it made the fallout worse. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

Or the sort that don’t believe in getting involved in the relationships of other people just because they don’t like them

Because if both parties are well regarded, and connected, it wouldn’t be difficult for either to poison the proverbial well for OP.

Winning a tribunal would require her to have evidence that this is what had happened, which is far easier said than done.

Of course not this isn’t anything to do with you

it it’s impacting your work you go and see hr

if she was a friend and you could support her that is different

It has nothing to do with respecting women it’s so do with you can’t go around acting like the morality police

If it’s untenable to the OP, presumably job hunting would be a good plan. Because whatever happens if she tells the wife, it’s not going to be any more pleasant afterward