AIBU to want to tell colleague’s wife about his workplace affair?

[Berrylipshade]

Name changed for this.
I’m watching an affair play out in work. Been going on for a long time. Everyone knows. Not at all discreet. Today it was bad, cuddling, neck stroking, hands in hair, in plain sight of a few of us, and leaving for “lunch” together.
He is a horrible arrogant man. His poor wife & young kids.
I hear him telling clients about his wife and comes across as so devoted. He’s a pig.
The one he’s shagging is single, but an obnoxious flirt. The whole thing just makes me so annoyed.
i wish I could not care.
but i keep plotting to leak this to his wife.
is that wrong?

I don't understand why you care @Berrylipshade It's giving an impression that you are interested in him yourself. If I didn't know his wife (and you say you don't know her,) then I couldn't bring myself to be interfering in their business.

Stay out of it!

It’s horrible to watch this kind of thing play out in the workplace , my old boss was having an affair with a colleague & I used to feel so bad for his wife who was a lovely lady . My colleague eventually ended it & left the workplace, it was then he tried it on with me , I was only 19 & he was in his late 40’s , very overweight , bald & obnoxious . I always remember having to quickly make my excuses & leave before I went home & told my dad . Needless to say my dad was absolutely fuming & he went with my 2 brothers to our office to “ have a word with him “ Luckily for my boss he had already left by then . My advice would be , as annoying as it is , it’s not your business so stay well out of it ( they could deny it & make things so difficult for u at your work 2 )

If someone feels that it’s their business enough to take the moral high ground to report back to the wife then they should have the courage of their convictions and face it. It’s too easy to hide behind anonymous notes and photos.

you see loads of posts on here from women stressed because they received an anonymous message about their husbands. Why add to the stress? At least if OP tells her, she has some support when she finds out,

Tell her anonymously.

I was cheated on in similar circumstances and frankly the fact everyone knew and said nothing hurt just as much, if not more. I felt like I had been walking around like an absolute full for months, I was so embarrassed I didn’t want to leave my home.

Plus there’s also the issue that he might be compromising her sexual health.

First ask yourself are you doing this to protect the wife or because you don’t like either of them.
Also prepare yourself for workplace consequences if he is senior and mates with the high ups, it won’t be him who gets the sack….

Do you know the wife? Just trying to work out why you are so angry, other than the PDAs

Unpleasant? Cheating can have devastating consequences, the sooner this poor woman knows the better. And if she already knows then no harm done.

Please do the right thing and let his wife decide what she wants to do about him.

Do not get involved. You know nothing about their marriage, and it's none of your business.
I am astonished at how many people on this website think it's acceptable to interfere in other people's private lives - it's just a huge "no".

I never understand why people say don’t tell the wife. I would want to know! Don’t do it if you can’t do it anonymously but if you can I feel there is a sisterly obligation for women to do this for each other

I wish someone had told me when my ex husband was at it with someone at work. Do it anonymously, but kindly. Poor woman.

And so can getting involved in the lives of others.

How do you do it anonymously and kindly? It’s ring and run basically. You get to stir things up without having to actually face the reaction of the person you have told.

Why are women expected to have a sisterly obligation? I would take a bullet for the women I am close to in my life but I OWE nothing to any other woman.

Exactly. I don't subscribe to the non-existent 'sisterhood' either. Women only support women when it suits them.

And why the OP thinks this is anything to do with her when she doesn't even know this man's wife just baffles me. Sounds to me like she either fancies him herself, or she hates him so much that she wants to tell his wife about the affair because her hatred of him makes her want to ruin his life.

Her fancying him - or hating him so much that she wants to upend his life - are far more likely scenarios, than altruism, or her being 'kind' to the wife.

No way is the OP doing this for the non-existent sisterhood. 🙄

.

If I were his wife, I would want to know. She will probably suspect something anyway but may not have actual proof. I have been there and I am even wondering if this thread is about exH cheating on wife no2.

The only kind of person who sends anonymous messages is someone who derives pleasure from inflicting harm on others.

No decent person sends anonymous messages, enjoys knowing they’re now not only doubting their marriage, but their family, their friends, wondering who knows and why that person hasn’t told them.

Someone who sends anonymous letters is just as bad as the person doing the cheating.

And before anyone says “it’s the messenger that gets shot,” so? If the messenger actually cares they’ll have the courage of their convictions. If they don’t, then they’re clearly a selfish bastard who thinks nothing of fucking up someone else’s life and mental health just as long as they’re not caught.

It’s sick, and has nothing to do with caring about the person they’re telling. It’s just a game to them. A bit of power play.

Yup! I agree

I think we might work at the same place 😂
it’s just so disrespectful to everyone else too is what angers me, the blatant unprofessional behaviour and imbalance it brings to the workplace. toxic as fuck
I was asked why I don’t really speak with them any more by the boss guy a while ago and I was honest and said because I don’t want to be associated with your twos behaviour, literally everyone sees what’s happening

Sisterhood <vom>

Next time they do it could you loudly ask him what his kids are getting his wife for mother's day?

You wouldn't get involved by telling the HR department?

genuinely - why? She presumably knows he’s married with kids, HE presumably knows he married with kids so all it achieves is making the commenter look unhinged

I had the same issue many years back. A “friend” really had a go about me when I suggested I let the wife know. Raised her voice at me and called me vindictive. I was shocked. (And no, she hadn’t gone through the same thing as the wife)

I agree that op should keep out of it and not say anything to the wife in this situation, but I think the fact that you can only think of nasty reasons why she would want to do so, says more about you BatchCookBabe than her.

Happily we are not all the same. I definitely try and support other women when it’s appropriate and when I can. In the past, I’ve been really grateful for support from older female mentors in my work place and I try and pass the favour on.