AIBU to want to tell colleague’s wife about his workplace affair?

[Berrylipshade]

Name changed for this.
I’m watching an affair play out in work. Been going on for a long time. Everyone knows. Not at all discreet. Today it was bad, cuddling, neck stroking, hands in hair, in plain sight of a few of us, and leaving for “lunch” together.
He is a horrible arrogant man. His poor wife & young kids.
I hear him telling clients about his wife and comes across as so devoted. He’s a pig.
The one he’s shagging is single, but an obnoxious flirt. The whole thing just makes me so annoyed.
i wish I could not care.
but i keep plotting to leak this to his wife.
is that wrong?

I wouldn't tell his wife. It would be far more effective if you confronted him about it and told him how unprofessional and embarrassing his behaviour is and how uncomfortable it is for everyone when you all know he is married. Someone needs to be brave enough to say this with everyone else present as support in case he gets overly defensive

I would tell HR anonymously, on the basis the public displays of affection are noticeable, uncomfortable to watch and unprofessional, but not his wife.

Yes, tell her secretly. He's a pig and you'd do her a massive favour to help her to make the decision to get out while she still has a shot at rebuilding her life rather than wasting 20 years on a sleazeball.

So don't get involved.

Maybe tell her anonomously. Let her know their lunch plans so she can see for herself or hire an investigator if she wants to. Giving her some detail affirms that it's not just a malicious lie.

Iv been the wife in this situation, my ex was cheating on me with a girl he worked with and no one told me I only found out because his friend ended up telling me when he found out months into it. Apparently the whole restaurant they worked in knew and also knew I was at home with two small children one a few weeks old when it started, I wish I’d been told sooner. Make a fake facebook account and message her or something like that what she does with the information then is up to her

Please tell her anonymously! Ok imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and noone told you! Sounds like he's having his cake and eating it and he is due some humble pie!

I was going to suggest this. Then she can turn up and see for herself.

Yes, tell her, but be anonymous to protect your own job. Even if you plan to leave - stay anonymous.

But give her enough detail so she can check it out herself and gather evidence.

Secretly video the shenanigans at work on your phone and send anonymously to his poor wife. I would want you know if I was being cheated on, and evidently after I left my ex I was told by another gent that the ex had had it on with a friend of ours.....he even told me her name so had yo be true.

I have to agree, you don't know his wife, as in she's not your friend & inevitably he will smarm his way out

"sisterhood" whatever that means extends to friends, colleagues is way more grey murky

Do it anonymously. I would definitely tell her.

I’ve been the wife. I knew he was having van affair but he denied and denied and made me feel I was going mad.

Someone from his office sent me an anonymous message to tell me. I am glad they did, although it was awful. Although I’m still plagued ten years on by who it was, and I’d normally say don’t do it anonymously but I see why in your case.

Tell her @Berrylipshade

it will come out eventually. These things always do.

We don't know that though. We only know about the ones that do come out.

So sorry about your cheating fucker. I've been cheated on (not married) and it's such a sucker punch.

Onwards @Nando123 and in time, upwards 💐

I personally would just stay well out of it if it was my boss. Yes it’s morally wrong, but not my circus and I wouldn’t want my career impacted from getting involved.

I think his wife may know or suspect. He sounds grim! I would keep out of it though.Especially if he's senior in any way

I would personally stay out of it.

If you put yourself in the wife's position, do you feel like you'd want to be told?

I think I would.

Yet another reason to stay out of it.

My DSIS got a phonecall from her husband's colleague, asking to meet her as she wanted to tell her something. DSIS was very grateful, he'd been having an affair with a colleague openly in the workplace and felt DSIS should know. He blamed it on a mental elf episode and they got back together a few months later after going to counselling and him "finding God". The 'informer' got sacked, BIL had another workplace affair a year later and they have been married for years now. My point is, the messenger often gets shot here, so tell her anonymously if you have to, giving enough details so that she will know it's not some random letter/email.

I'd have to tell his partner. I'm a wimp so I'd do it anonymously but I'd name and shame both of them including her name to the wife. And I'd also add that everyone at his workplace knows about it and is disgusted.

What she then does with this info is up to her.

I would find a way to tell the wife op. She may at risk of STIs and won’t know about it.

Also it gives her a chance to get her ducks in a row before he finds out she knows.

Definitely tell the wife. He will wriggle out of it but at least she’ll be looking for things, and he will know people know.

I’ve woken up and read all the comments.
I actually now feel telling her isn’t right. But telling my own manager might be a way of putting it on someone else to do something about it, even if it’s just a way of saying : we ALL know- stop the touching.
I will dread this conversation, but it’s the right thing.
I know they will blow his life up themselves at some point. Also my friend did say, maybe they aren’t actually in the affair, this is just them “wanting” to be - how do I know for sure?? That’s a fair point.

Plus I’m sure these two users are more than happy to enjoy the rights that other women fought for.