AIBU to want to tell colleague’s wife about his workplace affair?

[Berrylipshade]

Name changed for this.
I’m watching an affair play out in work. Been going on for a long time. Everyone knows. Not at all discreet. Today it was bad, cuddling, neck stroking, hands in hair, in plain sight of a few of us, and leaving for “lunch” together.
He is a horrible arrogant man. His poor wife & young kids.
I hear him telling clients about his wife and comes across as so devoted. He’s a pig.
The one he’s shagging is single, but an obnoxious flirt. The whole thing just makes me so annoyed.
i wish I could not care.
but i keep plotting to leak this to his wife.
is that wrong?

What are you talking about? I never mentioned anonymous letters. I think it's the right thing to do to call someone out on bad behaviour. I think the people who are abhorrent are the ones standing by watching others being cheated on and lied to. Not one single person here would say they would not want to know if their partner was having an affair. Wouldn't you?

Calling someone abusive for calling out a cheater is ridiculous!

Sisterhood - all the way. Totally anonymously but boy your conscience will be alleviated. I will say though, almost seems he WANTS to be caught, being that brazen!

I had a male friend who was cheating on his recently married wife. I gave him a couple of months to sort his life out, but when it was obvious he never intended to stop, I told her. She stayed with him and went on to have kids.
I think I would always tell a woman. However I can't see how you'd manage that anonymously.

Omg that poor wife all I can say is... I would want to know..... anonymously is probably the best way to go... so sad that the honest people have to be anonymous because of the back lash but you need to protect yourself... I would tell her and hope no one knew it was me but I know if I was the wife I hope someone would tell me

She will be more freaked out the longer the affair goes on.
I Would have preferred to have received an anonymous tip off years before I actually found out that my husband had been having an affair at work for well over 4 years.
His wife will have already noticed changes with husband but not in a million years will she be suspecting an affair because her husband “definitely is not the type”
Nothing to do with OP having the guts to own it.
The wife deserves to know and then it’s up to her what she does with that information.
Affairs are devastating to the betrayed.
Im still haunted by the length of the affair.

An Anonymous note won’t be as stressful to the wife as finding out the affair went on for possibly years without anybody telling her.
Her main concern won’t be who sent it but in finding out what her husband is doing.
Its up to her if she believes the note, but I will guarantee you that the wife will have noticed changes in husbands behaviour and it will put her in a better position to either bring the affair to a stop or give her the choice to leave.

Essentially - put yourself in the wife’s shoes; would you want to know that your husband is having an affair with a woman at work? I think the answer would be a resounding yes.

This.

I like the sending evidence suggestion. More helpful to the wife too.

I’ve recently had the exact same situation, had no opportunity to tell the wife as don’t know her. It was reported to HR by a group of people and the fall out has been quite spectacular but not in the way that it should have. Neither party accepted any fault, HR spoke to them but did nothing despite one being significantly more senior than other and it definitely having more than a sniff of power imbalance. The atmosphere was utterly toxic afterwards but they did both find new jobs and have left now so we’ve all been able to breathe. The PDAs were embarrassing for everyone. I wanted to warn you that the HR route may not play out and could make the atmosphere worse so frankly I’d tell the wife.

I’m wondering this too. Is it a case of who are you loyal to? Would your job really be at risk, or may you also get some quiet respect?

Can someone else take it to HR and you find a way to make the wife aware somehow? Anonymously if you prefer?

This. All HR can do is ask them to stop the PDA.

Stay out of it. She’s not your friend, and it’s nothing to do with you anyway.

Agree, please do it and find all means to protect your identity. So the wife thinks it was a he who broke the news, not a she. Explain in what difficult position you are so she doesn’t even think of trying to find out who you are. Keep this completely secret. No one should know if you do it. Not a single friend, coworker or partner.

Can't believe that some here see - and would prosecute-cheating as a form of actual abuse.
It seems that people really do have a very, very narrow view of the world.
Like it's all about jack-the-lad men and their secretaries.

A lot of abused women cheat to escape an abusive man. OK it may be out of the fire into a not so hot fire but they do.
Let's make life even worse for them, eh?

You really don't want it to be actually illegal. Trust me on this.
Men cheat for extra fun. Not saying this is right but they may not dislike their wives, usually there's problems in a marriage when a woman cheats.

Imagine Britain being a country (know mn is worldwide but guessing most users are from UK) where an abusive man can actually have his wife thrown in prison.
We should be careful what we wish for.

Which I understand 100pc. But OP isn't this wife's friend or even acquaintance. She doesn't know much about her at all. If she did know the wife then I would agree but having a perfect stranger contact you out of the blue ? If this man is as blatant as it seems then surely the responsibility is for an actual friend to do this.

Exactly.

And no matter what anyone says here, if she reports it to her manager, they'll know it's her.
Do people think managers are dumb? They've got to know about their staff and what makes them tick.
Does the OP not realise that other people know besides her?
First real rule of being an underling is not give your manager any grief. Not la la land 'do what's right' nonsense about adultery.

The OP should keep out of it full stop.

Off course you should tell her! Do it anonymously though. Poor woman.

As someone who was the oblivious partner at home, I so wish someone would have told me before it dragged out for years and ended in a very traumatic break up 🥲 but if you do tell her, you need to make sure you have solid proof to back it up. Narcissistic cheating scummy men will deny deny deny and can be very convincing, so you need something the cretin can’t worm his way out of.

An abused women would not enter into an affair with a married man. She would know too keenly how that would feel for the wife and the family at home.

Nope. Not wrong at all. Tell the wife. He's a vile pig and she deserves better. Doing what he's doing in plain sight just makes it even more disrespectful. What a c*nt!

Absolutely this

She might enter into a relationship with a single man. It'll still be cheating.
And how can be so sure she wouldn't if were married, anyway?

The suggestions here get more and more silly. How on earth does she obtain proof?
Yes he will deny, deny, deny. So what should OP do, then? Hire a private investigator to take pictures of them in flagrante delicto? Like in some film? Obviously not.
Another reason to just keep the f*" out of it.

Ugh I hate those kinds of situations

If this is the case then ignore.
This is your job and focus on looking after you.