AIBU to want to tell colleague’s wife about his workplace affair?

[Berrylipshade]

Name changed for this.
I’m watching an affair play out in work. Been going on for a long time. Everyone knows. Not at all discreet. Today it was bad, cuddling, neck stroking, hands in hair, in plain sight of a few of us, and leaving for “lunch” together.
He is a horrible arrogant man. His poor wife & young kids.
I hear him telling clients about his wife and comes across as so devoted. He’s a pig.
The one he’s shagging is single, but an obnoxious flirt. The whole thing just makes me so annoyed.
i wish I could not care.
but i keep plotting to leak this to his wife.
is that wrong?

My husband has just left me for a woman he met at work. I caught him messaging her on New Year's Eve.
I would want to know. Especially as it's obvious he's seeing her and work colleagues know. I mean it's up to you, it will come out eventually. These things always do.

I think that it’s never a good position to tell someone their OH is having an affair. It almost always backfires and they almost always stay.

But I’ve been on this position OP when I worked in a school where affairs aren’t absolutely rife. I complained to the Head who told me there was nothing he could do as affairs aren’t illegal or a safeguarding issue! But the staff room flirting and cuddling was horrific and I hated it, I just didn’t go in anymore.

^This. Jesus.
Where the hell is your HR dept?

You should absolutely 100% tell her, even if anonymously.
If I were the wife I would want to know.
If he us being this blatant at work then he may also be messaging a lot whilst at home, being secretive with his phone/ ‘working late’ and she possibly already has an inkling that something is going on, you only have to look at some of the threads on here to see how much that destroys a person.
She deserves to know, she’ll be at risk of stds too.

It’s gross but if it blows up from you telling her, that’s not going to help you work wise.

The PDA sound grim - perhaps mention to HR if it makes you uncomfortable.

The PP who suggested mentioning his family in front of the other woman - that’s ridiculous. She clearly knows he’s married so why would she feel the shame?

Anonymously tell the wife.

do you have an address? If so post her a letter.

the worst bit is that no one’s ever told her before, poor lady.

If you do decide to tell her, don’t tell her anonymously. She will either be freaked out or she won’t believe it. Have the guts to own what you want to do.

Well if this ''sisterhood'' nonsense was real the only people having affairs would be gay men

If you feel you have to, tell his wife. Or tell him and the gf you are going to tell his wife, anonymously. And are you sure, it can be a huge can of worms if you are wrong.

So, the company is already kind of toxic. These two people are senior, are very valued by the owner, and seem to be matey with the (only) HR person we have!

If he’s done it before you may find she allows it. Anyway I’d still find a way of anonymously telling her!

You should tell her, my ex did this, everyone at work knew, I felt so humiliated.
He is now married to the woman he was having the affair with.
I really hope this is him and the poor wife isn’t some innocent women.

Take a discreet photo of them the next chance you get. Print it out.
Send it to his wife filling her in.
She deserves to know.
Don't say a word to anyone that your have done this.
Not a word.

Wow I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Can I ask…did you not have a clue if his personality to do this sort of thing?

I don’t agree with it either but I wouldn’t get involved

I like this

Bear in mind if you let her know anonymously she has choices and can start planning.

she may already know , she may be worrying somethings changed and so on or she may have no idea.

when I was a teenager my father had an affair and had children. All of my work colleagues knew and no one told me a thing, they thought they were protecting me I expect. It’s been the worst part of the betrayal for me to deal with, it has been going on over 6 years before we knew so I feel like my entire childhood was a lie. I’m in my 50s I still don’t trust people.

This. I wouldn’t raise it to his wife but to HR. It’s inappropriate conduct and if it’s well managed he’ll be in a process. If he continues his behaviour he will likely get in to a disciplinary and that’ll probably somehow get back to his wife. Play him at the professional game.

And then OP could end up unemployed?

That just demonstrates the utter selfishness of these people who cheat.
im truly sorry that happened to you x

when I see these two in work I can only describe it like watching two people delighting in “getting away with it” in front of others. For example, the neck stroking today…she ran her finger up his neck and “tickled” his ear to get his attention. When they leave the office for lunch they go out 5 mins apart, but then get spotted getting in her car!

If they knock off the PDA, their relationship is nothing to do with you, unless you feel it affects your work, in which case report to HR. I know you say they are friendly with HR, but there isn’t much you can do.

I had started to realise he was a massive bullshitter, but for some silly reason I didn’t think he would cheat.
We were engaged not married thank god.
I had been suspecting for a few weeks before I found out, checked his phone, saw a couple of messages and chucked him straight out.
He moved in with her 4 days later they had been looking at rentals together.
I was blindsided.
I know they were all over each other at work because i looked at the website and there was a customer review about staff having their hands in each others hair or some such.
His wife must know what he’s like, I wouldn’t wish it on her because they have 2 young kids but if it has to happen to someone it should be her over an innocent woman.

Is he my ex husband?! Seriously, I was this sort of man’s wife until a couple of years ago. 100% she needs to know.

Then that’s up to her. Our decisions have consequences unfortunately. Some anonymous note is likely to be more stressful for the wife as she won’t know who sent it and she may not even believe it.

Just don’t. If it blows back on you, as such things often do, you’ll be the one to pay for it.

It can ruin not just your current job, but your career in an industry too.